My 40th Birthday Wish: An Item Girl Moment, Please

My wish for my 40th birthday is to perform a fully choreographed song, shuffling between “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max and “Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast”, complete with multiple costume changes.

Basically, I want to live out my item girl dreams in reality because I’m just not finding the time to actually go down and audition or meet casting agents during the week, thanks to mum and work duties.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Here’s the truth: I’m already cutting myself up into different parts — there’s the mum bit, the corporate slave bit, the 10,000-things-that-catch-my-fancy bit…

That being said, seeing myself on the big screen (my living room television will also do; I’ll be equally elated) has always been an unfulfilled dream. There’s a handful of people who don’t look at me like I’m completely delusional when I say this out loud.

So, that’s my birthday wish.

I want to break a leg and create a high-energy, high-octane, full-of-beans, high-on-sugar dance video that I can watch on repeat until the day I die — and be ridiculously proud of myself.

There is, however, one rather important point to note here.

I have two left feet.

And on the rare, once-in-a-blue-moon occasion that I go dancing at a club, I can barely get out of bed the next day because my knees hurt, along with my back.

On one such occasion, I got stepped on pretty hard on the dance floor. I turned around, ready to scream at the chap who had inflicted this grievous injury upon me, only to realise he was absolutely pissed drunk and had no idea what was happening around him.

So I hobbled back to the humble couch of that well-lit, spacious restobar — Macaw in Sholinganallur — lifted my broken foot onto the couch, admired my Tinker Bell tattoo for a good two minutes and proceeded to stuff my face with some lovely deep-fried chicken starters.

And yet, here I am.

While my item girl dreams may have long sailed out the window, how feasible is this choreographed dance video for my 40th?

Please drop words of encouragement only in the comments section below.

The Monday After a Long Weekend

The Monday that follows immediately after a long weekend really is a drag. It’s equivalent to eating a sizzling brownie without ice cream, gajar halwa minus a generous dousing of ghee, or idli without chutney — you get the drift. It truly sucks all our souls dry — this particular Monday has us scratching our heads mournfully, wondering what the meaning of life is.

Mini and I shuffled our feet back into a whole week of work and school — me pretending to be happy and him being grouchy (but nothing new there when it comes to his emotions regarding school and working days, with or without a lovely long weekend).

I’ve decided to dive deep into it and count the hours down to 6 pm, because the only way through pain is the pain itself. Let’s survive this Monday and stare at our holiday calendars with hope and desire for the next bunch of long weekends and holidays that are fast approaching us over the coming weeks.

We’ve got this, ladies and gents — with and without sugar. I’m still off sugar, by the way, only on the weekdays. Weekend sugars don’t count.

Apparently, We Need Another Baby

I've perhaps reached yet another parenting milestone, similar to the path my mother took over 48 years ago, when her firstborn kept insisting that he wanted another sibling.

My child has been having his second-sibling talk for over a year now, and the questions and requests are quite persistent, ranging from, "Can you grow another baby in your tummy for me?" to, "So what if we don't have a father? Can't you make a little baby brother for me?"

And let me tell you, most of these very intimate questions are asked in the middle of very public spaces — at a play zone, inside a cab, in a restaurant. I'm pretty sure we're scandalising other children, parents, cab drivers, waiters and entire families.

"What will happen if the father dies one day after the baby comes out of the Mumma's tummy?"

"I think I want a father too."

When the questions and requests get more and more complex, I offer to take him to my gynaecologist, who can explain our situation to him in much more graphic detail.

I mentioned this conversation to my good friend of over a decade, and she said, "Yes, Gayatri, we've had this conversation before, remember? We both wanted baby #2."

The yearning for baby #2 started about a year and a half after I had my first. My late husband looked petrified at the mere mention of it, and before I could blink an eyelid, he was gone. So perhaps that yearning will only remain a yearning — in this lifetime, at least.

My urge to be a mother was always greater than my urge to be a wife or a corporate slave. I'm happy to give it all up and stay at home like a golden goose, hatching one little baby after another and cooking elaborate meals for them.

Here's the catch, though: I still haven't mastered the art of cooking for the existing fruit of my loins. He calls my cooking "a piece of poop", "garbage" and "rotten".

So while the mother in me probably cries herself to sleep a little every night, somewhere between the yearning and the guilt of not being able to produce baby #2, I'm grateful for baby #1, at least, who is quite a handful.

As always, I choose the path of counting all my existing blessings and keep moving forward — for that's the only logical course of action: to always keep moving forward.

In the meantime, if anyone wants babysitting duties, I'm always around, along with my mini-me, who is obsessed with all babies and little children.

A Saturday of Puppets, Butter Chicken, Lego and Tesla Dreams

Riaan and I have had one of those crazy-busy yet extremely fun days with our favourite girls, Shina and Samara.

We started off with a children's show called "The Room of Memories", a sweet, magical theatre production put together by Andrea Fedi, also known as Katastrofa Clown. We spent a little over an hour watching puppetry, huge dancing soap bubbles, magic and a spectacular dancing balloon, all brought together with an incredible amount of energy by the artist.

Next, we headed to Punjab Grill and stuffed our faces silly with some authentic Punjabi food, starting with creamy butter chicken, melt-in-your-mouth paneer tikka cubes and flavourful garlic naans. We washed it all down with a refreshing fresh lime soda called Shikanji, mixed with some delectable street-style spices that cleansed our palates just in time for some sinful Anjeer Rabdi, which transported us straight to seventh heaven.

Next, we got completely lost trying to find the Tesla Experience Centre, because apparently there is a future Elon Musk in our little circle. My son. Yes, there is a very overly ambitious middle-class Indian mother in the house. He asked me if I would get him a Tesla by the end of the day, to which Shina promptly informed him that he must buy one Tesla each for all of us as well.

Once the Tesla purchasing debate was over, we continued being hopelessly lost inside the mall and decided to head to the Lego Store, as Samara desired. The kids loitered around, and so did we. After a selfie or two and a few unnecessary purchases later, we finally discovered where the Tesla Experience Centre was.

My son shot towards the store like his bum had caught fire. He immediately began explaining all about the different car models and their mechanics, much to the amusement of the receptionist at the store. We finally managed to squeeze inside one of the cars and click another picture or two.

Shina and I warned both our tiny humans to touch absolutely nothing, because we are both at that stage of our lives where we can probably only afford to fill the tyres of a Tesla with air. So any damage to the car would have dire consequences for our already burdened wallets.

And alas, all good things must come to an end.

After more than half a day of eating, wandering, shopping, getting lost, talking and laughing together, we finally decided to part ways and catch up again soon.

That was my Saturday morning, afternoon and almost evening for you.

How did you spend your weekend? Let me know in the comments section below.

Bethlehem Kudumba Unit: A Small Story with a Ginormous Heart

A tried-and-tested formula of an age-gap romance portrayed beautifully is how I can best describe "Bethlehem Kudumba Unit" in one sentence.

I turned it on at 7 a.m. this morning and couldn't stop watching until the very last scene — zero pee and water breaks. That's how sweet this movie was.

Nivin Pauly's role as Justin, the older, gruff brother who gets involved in everyone's life issues and somehow finds a way to solve them, has been performed with such ease by the veteran actor. Mamitha Baiju, as Ashley, Justin's smitten, much younger yet ballsy secret girlfriend, has enacted her role superbly.

What a beautiful start to my long weekend.

My mood is light, my mind is inspired to write simple yet wholesome scripts like this, with just the right dash of family, drama and comedy thrown in together. Something like a comforting bowl of poha that you know can't hurt you on a weekend morning — or any morning, for that matter.

I could understand Justin's yearning as a grieving boyfriend who lost his fiancée many years ago. Like many people dealing with grief, he buried himself in work and built his local catering business quite successfully.

When the family opposes their relationship, he holds Ashley's hands and bids her farewell as she leaves for Ireland to pursue her higher studies.

Their reunion two years later, at Justin's younger brother's wedding, is shown so naturally that your heart can't help but experience a warm little tingle.

Yet another small story with a ginormous heart — that's another way to describe "Bethlehem Kudumba Unit".

I also couldn't help noticing how the men in the film pursue the women they love. In its own subtle way, the movie seems to say something rather lovely to women: you don't always have to chase. Leave some of that chasing to the man who truly loves you and wants to build a life with you. The right person will move heaven and earth to be with you, while also being secure enough to step aside and let you flourish.

Now that's true love. Not the other nonsensical song-and-dance involving a transparent saree under the rain. 

I highly recommend watching "Bethlehem Kudumba Unit" for an instant mood lift.

It was as sweet as the moong dal halwa I eat once a week without a shred of guilt.

(Image sourced from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bethlehem_Kudumba_Unit)

Happiness Is a Choice

From waking up screaming over lucid dreams about my late husband five years ago, to waking up disoriented and wondering what the dream was all about in the first place, I've come a long way. There's a calm in my dreams now when he's around. Two days ago, I dreamt of him laughing, smiling and mingling with people at a social gathering.

The thrower of house parties — he simply loved them. Friends would come and stay all night, and sometimes even the morning after. Legendary house parties is how I can best describe them now. Do I have the bandwidth, energy or interest to throw any of those now? Absolutely not, because I'm not in my late 20s anymore.

The point is, his dimples are still there and he's happy, which means I'm probably as happy as I can be as well, at this particular stage of my life — with and without dramatic conversations with my 7-year-old.

Talking about that 7-year-old, he told me very plainly two nights ago, "Most of my body has been given to me by my father — my blood group, my face, my ears — but from the inside, Maamaa, my insides are all you."

So, for the sake of my child, whose insides I've apparently created, I choose calm and collected over the grief-ridden, disoriented, heartbroken widow I once was. Phone calls with me five years ago would break people's hearts because I would talk utter rubbish. There was no method to my madness; it was just madness.

Spirit communication and wondering why I was left to live while my heart was ripped away from my soul were the only two things that occupied my mind. And then work happened, and my grief took a more focused direction. I was crying only over weekends now and occasionally felt heavy boulders in my chest, each time I saw a management consultant in the office.

As I was saying, happiness — it truly is a choice. It's all about how you set the tone for your mood and your day at 5 AM.

For example, today I've woken up feeling like I could have slept some more, and I'm still vaguely recalling that all-night dream I had about my late husband sometime over the course of this week. But I choose happiness today, and for this entire weekend.

Rasa Gulla: The Song I Can't Decide Whether to Love or Hate

This annoyingly catchy song has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it last weekend — "Rasgulla" from the movie "Hi". Pronounced as “Rasa” “Gulla”.

Honestly, one half of me wants to catch hold of whoever wrote this song and say, “How dare you compare a woman to a rasgulla, you buffoon?” The other half wishes, “Why can’t someone write a song like this for me?”

I’m so confused about whether I love or hate this song, but the fact of the matter is, I cannot stop listening to it for the life of me.

The song glorifies the boy’s unrequited love for the girl. He considers her to be a gift sent straight from heaven, and he sings, “Nandri Arogaraa, for my Nayantharaa!”

At this point, I’m not sure whether to tear out my exactly two strands of hair or rewind the song and listen to it again — audio and video intact, mind you.

So, listen to "Rasa Gulla" today and let me know whether you’re equally annoyed and amused by it, or whether you simply love it and want to sing it for your crush.

The Quiet Power of Being Neutral

Sometimes, it's good to be neutral — like algae on water, a frog that decides not to croak in the rains, and pumpkin seeds — tasteless but essential for hair growth.

I'm feeling neutral today. Not happy, not sad, not calm, not crazy — just neutral. Perhaps my neutrality is owing to the fact that a month of rigorous work has somewhat come to a close, I'm looking forward to a glorious long weekend, and it's the start of the last quarter of the year. So, neutral is how I choose to feel today.

To look everything in the eye with a steely calm has its own power. And people who have the ability to do that every day, and not just once in a while, have all my respect.

Neutrality is honestly the best state of mind. There's a calm, a quiet and a lull. Sometimes, it's good to accept the lull and enjoy the silence.

Staying busy 24*7 can get exhausting. I hope I feel this way every second day instead of once in ten.

On that note, wishing all of you a calm and relaxing last quarter of the year.

When My Almost-8-Year-Old Suddenly Becomes Tiny Again

Not sure what stage of parenting I’m in right now because my almost-8-year-old is behaving like a toddler again.

The clinginess is at its peak, and keeping up with school and work schedules is getting harder.

He’s suddenly scared of everything — a wasp, the geyser that may burst while he’s bathing, and a dark room without me (okay, I’ll let him have the last one).

When I point out this bizarre behaviour, he replies, “But Maamaa, I’m still so tiny. You are so big.”

It’s fascinating how many times they can grow big and tiny in a single day, depending on their choice of activity at that particular moment.

Fiddling around on the phone — big person.

Having to use the bathroom — small person.

Keeping dirty utensils in the sink after eating from them — small person.

And so on.

Most mornings, my internal voice tells him, *“Come on, little dude. Today is the day you cut me some slack and let me eat breakfast in peace.”*

Externally, though, I’m transformed into a T-Rex, roaring at him to get out of the house by 8:05 a.m. because school starts at 8:25.

I’m still off sugar, so I’m not quite sure how I’m going to survive all of the above.

Send sugar-free treats ASAP! Babysitting duties are also welcome.

Not sure who the baby is anymore, though.

Once a Rebel, Always a Rebel

With all due respect, it's all the “reformed rebels” in the world who get the job done — on all fronts. It's a side of our personalities that doesn't simply go away with time, age or added responsibilities. Once a rebel, always a rebel.

Case in point: my 7-year-old.

He indulges in the naughtiest of acts and then promptly tells my mother, “But my mumma told me I can do it.” At this point, I step in and give him some solid, 24-carat rebel advice:

“That's right, I did. But do it intelligently — without getting caught, noticed or making a ruckus about it.”

The thing about being a rebel without a cause is that we feel deeply. Our EQs are up there on Mount Kailash, alongside Lord Shiva, as he occasionally smokes up and chills with Nandi and Parvati.

Like Shiva, we rebels lose our shit occasionally and then calm down at the same speed at which we lost our shit. The mood swings really swing. But trust me blindly when I say this: our hearts truly are gold.

So here's to always being a rebel without a cause, while keeping our focus on the greater cause intact.

It's okay to indulge in a little Rudra Tandav once in a while and let all that steam out.

Rage, if you know how to control it, is actually not a bad thing. It can heal and bring you back to normalcy. So go ahead and rage — as long as you know how to cool down, collect yourself and find your way back to normalcy.