Big Tears, Broken Jets, and Cooum-Scented Breath

Yesterday was both a mini and a gigantic bummer of a day for Riaan and me. His favourite Tamil and Hindi tuition teacher had to discontinue his classes, my fitness trainer is probably about to quit on me, and Riaan’s brand-new toy jet—which he only started flying a week ago—abruptly stopped working. All sorts of heartache set in by nightfall, accompanied by big, fat tears.

"Why is my life so broken, Mumma, just like my jet?" my seven-year-old asked, his cheeks stained with tears.

I sighed and replied, "Sometimes toys and people abruptly exit our lives when we least expect it. That’s life. We just have to accept it and move on."

He continued his tragic monologue anyway: "First my father died, then my jet died, and now my teacher is gone." If drama had a middle name, it would be Riaan Drama Bhattacharya. I just hugged him tightly and let him sob it out for about half an hour. Big, fat tears flooded my shoulder, accompanied by occasional wafts of smelly cheese breath directly in my face.

I patiently waited for twenty minutes before finally telling him, "I'm sorry to break it to you, and perhaps this is terrible timing, but your breath smells like the Cooum River. The stench is so bad that even a crocodile wouldn't enter your mouth if I stuffed a giant dead duck inside."

He cracked up in the middle of all that crying—hysterical laughter cutting through the tears. "But I don't want to brush my teeth tonight!" he protested.

I sighed again, enduring another five minutes of his "That jet meant something to me, Mumma!" wailing. My little boy and his life's big problems. Welcome to yet another day in our life.

The Anchor of My Soul: How Motherhood Rewrote My Story

I had yet another meaningful conversation with my personal trainer of close to a year, and today's topic was babies and marriage. She is getting married in January and once again strongly urged me to settle down. I nodded, smiled, and heard her out on how I must go about finding the right man. As always, I didn't disagree with anything she said and remained neutral. I listened to her post-marriage plans and everything she wants to achieve personally and professionally.

Somewhere in the middle of that therapeutic chat, I admitted that I have healed a fair amount, all thanks to my child's antics. While it is wonderful to have a loving partner, having a child is what truly increased my sense of drive. Suddenly, I threw myself with immense passion into everything I was doing—professionally, personally, artistically, through extra-curricular activities, and exercising. It felt as though I was on steroids, and at the center of it all was my son. I suddenly discovered a newfound zest for life and everything that goes with it.

This morning, for example, I woke up with very bad vertigo and felt my head spinning each time I put my foot outside the bed. Watching my clumsy movements, my child immediately mimicked the way I was walking (which was hilarious, obviously) and said, "Please don't die on me and make me an orphan." It brought a bittersweet laughter, quite frankly. As he said that, I realized this is why I am alive and why I throw myself into everything with such aggression. I didn't know this perfectionist side of me ever existed, and it has truly come to the fore ever since the birth of my child.

I live for him, and in him, I have found my healing—a very unfair responsibility to lay upon an almost three-year-old, but it is what it is. My son will always be my "sonshine," in this lifetime and hopefully the next. I am simply elated that he chose me to be his mother in this world.

Becoming a Fan, Decades Late: My Confession to Michael Jackson

I saw the brilliant masterpiece that was Michael yesterday and was simply blown away by his talent and his kind-hearted soul. For some reason, I was never a fan growing up because I didn’t bother listening to his music. But upon closely watching the movie yesterday, I realized I have, in fact, heard all his hit songs and liked them. 

For some reason, I was simply more fascinated by rock and metal music as a teenager. Still, I absolutely loved his sense of dressing—the shiny gloves, the iconic red jacket, and the button-detailed blue informal blazer—all clothes that I would love to wear right now. He also had long hair and almost always wore kohl on his eyes, so how I was not a fan during my formative years will remain a mystery to me.

Nevertheless, better late than never. I have been listening to MJ's greatest hits all morning, from the shower up to my workstation at home. What a brilliant voice! He wrote his own music and lyrics—something that the pop boy bands I grew up listening to didn't have the ability or talent to do. 

My heart went out to the little boy who constantly got whipped by his father's belt for refusing a rehearsal after a tiring night of performing. I also respected him deeply when he told his manager very emphatically that all the compensation he received for the onset accident—where his hair caught fire—must go to the burn victims of the same hospital where he was admitted. 

My heart once again went out to the lonely little boy who had zero friends and strange animals, starting with a llama, a giraffe, and a chimp, as companions. His entire childhood was stolen from him because he attained stardom and superstardom so early in life. 

Rest in peace, wherever you are, Michael. The world has definitely not forgotten you, I can assure you of that. Tales of your talent will live on for generations.

Image sourced from https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Michael_Jackson_in_1983.jpg

The "Gayu Going Nuts" Show: Act 2026

I’ve clearly needed therapy for a while now—specifically since five years ago, because when my husband passed away in late 2021, some sane parts of my brain obviously passed away along with him. I call this final quarter of the year, from September to December, the "Gayu Going Nuts" period. It’s tattoos and hair colours galore for me because October is Durga Puja—a festival he dearly loved—November is his birthday month, and December is his death anniversary.

I’m a mixture of Harley Quinn and the Joker now, leaning heavily toward the Joker at this time of the year. I’m full of jokes and beans while dying a slow death on the inside. I read somewhere that it’s the saddest people who crack jokes all the time. Sounds like a familiar person who lives inside my head. I’m not diabolically sad like Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs—no. I’m more like Deadpool sad. I’m the "so funny, look at me and laugh at my jokes so you don’t think about my shitty love life" kind of sad. Big difference!

Yesterday, my mother called his death "unfortunate." I vehemently opposed her, reminding her that luck and fortune had nothing to do with him dying. He wrote his own time and day of death by choosing a laptop over human beings—that is on him for the rest of his afterlife. Let’s not burden ourselves with the stupid decisions taken by power-hungry people. When people talk about choosing their careers over human life and feelings today, I lose respect for them in less than a blink of an eye.

Circling back to the point of this piece: it’s the "Gayu Going Nuts" period. Everyone, get your popcorn out. I’m ready to put up another show for you this year. Watch and learn!

*mic drop*

The Sweet, Slow Flu

I've had to cancel my entire weekend;

What a way for the week to end!

I've eaten so much sweet pongal,

That I closely resemble a pongal.

A wretched flu,

Contracted from my co-worker, has left me feeling blue.

Two days of lying flat in bed,

It has really gotten to my head.

No gorgeous workout,

Or reasons for having to step out.

Yet, the inactivity is surprisingly peaceful,

After rescheduling my weekend from full to zero.

I've had to cancel my entire weekend;

What a way for the week to end.

Till All Are One: A Tribute to Optimus Prime and Peter Cullen

I grew up watching those gentle giants called the Transformers, and I have always been amazed by these Autonomous Robotic Organisms (often shortened to Cybertronians). I have always wondered why this marvelous species of living, sentient robots took a shining to such a selfish race on Earth. Humans often do not seem to feel as deeply as they do with their gorgeous "Spark"—the Cybertronian equivalent of a human heart or soul. 

The Autobots are always ready to fight all our battles against the Decepticons (Megatron and his second-in-command Starscream) just to save the human race. Meanwhile, we are the types of beings who cannot even open up emotionally on dating apps, instead making an infinite number of excuses to avoid human connection. It is absolutely pathetic. Of course, one could argue we don't deserve saving when we cannot even save ourselves to begin with.

I have loved every single Autobot: Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, Ratchet, Jazz, and Grimlock. It is my dream to own a Peterbilt 379 or a Chevrolet Camaro one day. I am fully set on importing one from international shores in the future so I can take it out to E.C.R. on late-night drives.

When I stumbled upon the news of Peter Cullen’s passing yesterday, I sighed deeply, realizing it marks the end of yet another beautiful era from my childhood. It is something the next generation, including my son, will never fully understand. What a pity it is that he is growing up in a day and age where people think robots do not have feelings, because I knew some of the best. I am an Autobot in spirit, and I am always ready to roll out. Optimus taught us that freedom is the right of all sentient beings. One shall stand, and one shall fall.

I will always look to the stars for you, Optimus. Rest in peace, Peter.

The Bouncy Castle of Motherhood

My maternal instincts kicked in the minute my nephew was born 15 years ago. He was the cutest little baby, with a head full of curls and a finger always stuck in his mouth. He was the apple of my eye. I didn't know that a love like this could exist inside me. I bathed him, rocked him to sleep, and spent all my time with him whenever he visited Chennai. 

I knew immediately that I wanted to make a baby just like him—and lo and behold, I did. However, mine is a more devilish, naughtier version of him who drives me up the wall! Still, I think I was always meant to be a boy mom, or just a mom to begin with, because I love little girls too. 

My ovaries cry each time I take my son to the pediatrician and we watch a newborn baby boy or girl stumbling in front of us. My son immediately goes, "Aww! Can you grow another baby, Mama?" I sigh and reply, "Sure. We don't have a father anymore though, remember?" And we sit in that hospital waiting area hugging each other, yearning for another pair of little feet to join our family—a dream that will probably remain just a dream in this lifetime. 

Coming back to the point of this piece, perhaps I was always destined to be a boy mom and have a tiny human use me as his bouncy castle, fart on my face, and occasionally hug me super tight from the waist down saying, "Mama! You're home!" Tiny humans are those necessary evils in our lives that keep us sane and in check at all times. I am grateful for mine every single day. No complaints—except maybe five a day, six if he's particularly tantrum-prone after a hard day at school.

The Myth of the Corporate Godfather and Why Work Dating is a Hard No

I have never dated anyone at work—not my colleagues, not members of other teams, and definitely not any of my bosses. So when people say, "I didn’t have a godfather in the industry," I ask you: "Who actually does?" Every corporate employee is a one-person army, figuring things out over the course of their career. 

I come from a defense background, raised in a family of Army, Merchant Navy, and Air Force professionals. None of them understand what I do; they scratch their heads whenever I talk about Corporate Communications, Public Relations, or Content Marketing. The same goes for software engineers, advertising professionals, and almost every other current career path. Most likely, our parents and ancestors never even dreamed of the fields their children work in today. 

When it comes to not having a "godfather," the reality is that no one does. We are all truly self-made and deserve a pat on the back every now and then. That being said, it is crucial to keep your head out of the clouds and stay firmly grounded. The higher you rise, the kinder you must become. It is that simple. Otherwise, you will just be remembered as a terrible human being rather than a Vice President or a CEO. 

Circling back to the topic of workplace dating, I have mostly worked with older, balding men and the occasional attractive woman, so I never really had the opportunity to live out those fantasies. More importantly, I am not sure anyone should indulge in romantic relationships with the very person responsible for their performance appraisals and promotion discussions. For me, that is a hard no today, and it will remain a hard no for as long as I am part of the workforce.

Wishing for Ardhanareeswarar: Mothering Through a Father's Absence

My late husband wasn't a hands-on dad. He didn't change diapers, he didn't burp the baby, and he didn't ever attempt to clean or bathe him. While I spent a hazy six months of sleeplessness nursing my newborn, his life went on as always with work and travel. So, when I meet fellow moms who tell me their husbands were—and still are—hands-on with their children, there's obviously a pang I feel in my heart. 

By the time my son, Riaan, was nearing three, my husband was gone, and they had barely any playtime together. I have only one or two random videos of his late father and him playing on the swings and see-saw in our old apartment's park. For the longest time, my child's face would fall when I took him to play gyms and he watched fathers playing with their kids. He would immediately turn around with a heartbroken look on his face and say, "Let's go, maama." 

In those moments, I always wished I could be both sexes at the same time, like Ardhanareeswarar. Whenever I mention that I'm both of his parents now, he says very vehemently, "No, you're not. My father is dead and you don't look like a boy to me." All valid arguments, of course, which is why I attempt to break my back every weekend in play zones doing bumper car rides with him—something I assume his father may have enjoyed indulging him in. 

The guilt that I married a man who died exactly when my child needed him is something that eats me alive every single day. I can never be Riaan's father, however hard I try, and I just hope he doesn't feel the vacuum too much.

The Espresso Tonic Epiphany

As I sipped on a vile, medicinal-tasting, bitter cold coffee beverage named "Espresso Tonic"—which was apparently Instagram-influencer approved—my mind raced down memory lane to when I was a broke student. Back then, I would borrow a few hundred rupees from my parents every week just to blow it at Café Coffee Day and Qwikys, the "it" places for young, cool people to hang out in the early 2000s. 

Those outings were always met with immense parental remorse and infinite lectures, ranging from "Let me just make coffee for you at home" and "Money doesn't grow on trees" to "How can you spend 300 rupees on coffee?!" 

Fast forward to this afternoon. I was sipping an expensive, subpar caffeinated beverage at a young, vibrant coffee pub with one hand, while holding my phone firmly to my ear with the other, listening to my mother complain about my seven-year-old. I cut into the conversation to break the news to her: I am still spending over 300 rupees on terrible-tasting coffee. 

The only difference now is that I have my own spending power but zero friends around, since I was just taking a mid-day office lunch break. 

She chuckled upon hearing this, and I chuckled back. Life truly comes full circle every now and then. Guess what? Mom was right. She—and now I—can indeed make better coffee at home. It is officially time to blow that money on more useless things instead, like Lego blocks and remote-controlled cars. What joy! 

I suddenly realized how many similarities my son and I share. We both never listened to our parents; we are rebels without a cause. I am really hoping he has his own Eureka moment before he hits 40 and realizes that "mom indeed knows best." 

Ah, the beautiful circle of life and parenthood—it simply amazes me.

Shadows at 2 AM

Strange how the torrential rain of pain,

Envelops and reigns

Over my trauma brains. 

At 2 AM dot,

I wake up like I'm shot. 

No bullets to the chest,

Yet I cannot rest. 

The discomfort is unbearable,

My life suddenly unrepairable. 

Rest I must,

For I don't want to turn to dust. 

I must simply accept

All those who've left, and not allow myself to feel so swept. 

For promises without action

Are just that—empty and hollow. I must not have a reaction. 

Strange how the torrential rain of pain,

Envelops and reigns

Over my trauma brains.

The Longest Five Minutes

The most excruciating minutes,

Those last five at work, are what crush your spirit.

Firstly, I don't understand the 9-6 grind;

It's something that will always boggle my mind.

The last time I did this jive,

I was still a little bee coming out of the hive.

Perhaps I'm not a queen yet,

Still, all this A/C-induced sweat

Makes me fret.

I realize I'm not built for the 9-6 grind;

I seek timings that are more kind.

The most excruciating minutes,

Those last five at work, are what crush your spirit.