The Guilt of Not Being There

I saw a Filipino advertisement this morning while scrolling through Instagram about a single mum who is a nurse and her son, Mikey. The little boy is left to his own devices to get ready for school, do a school project and even rehearse his lines for a fancy-dress competition, without his mother because she keeps getting called in for ad hoc duties due to the nature of her job.

Other mums who actually pick up and accompany their children to school keep passing remarks at him, calling him "poor boy", "Where is your mother?", "Your shirt buttons aren't done properly. How can you go to school like this?" and so on.

By the end of his fancy-dress competition, his overworked mother actually makes it to school to pick him up, and they are seen embracing each other in a tight hug after an entire day of absence, starting from his breakfast onwards.

It hit me so hard because I realised that when my boy was just a little over three years old, I had to rejoin work, and he had to fend for himself emotionally, without a mother who was truly present.

Of course, my parents really stepped in during that time to raise him, while I was just a corporate slave drowning myself in work, simply to distract myself from the grief of losing my husband.

I wasn't there for my boy emotionally when he needed me the most because I wasn't there for myself. I wallowed in so much self-pity that I couldn't see beyond my own nose. I couldn't even function as a whole human being. How could I possibly be a mother?

I was pretty useless for a good year. Maybe two.

The guilt of being emotionally absent from my three-year-old is something that kills me even now. Which is probably why I go out of my way today to entertain him, because I see the years I lost with him.

I hope he forgives me.

Or, better yet, I hope he doesn't remember those mad, grief-filled days of mine when I would wake up screaming from an afternoon nap.

To Staying Young and Wild, With or Without a Partner

Everyone and their grandmothers advised me to try dating apps the moment my husband passed away. And guess what? Everyone and their grandmothers are exactly who and what I found.

There are the scammers who claim they'll come and visit you in a week. Then there are the enthu cutlets who actually do fly down to see you in a week. There are the endless texters who "want to go with the flow" at 40+, and there's everything in between as well.

I'm sure there are wonderful, honest-to-God lovely people out there too, whom I've met and with whom I've either remained friends or mostly lost touch. Because, let's face it, this is a dating app, not "let's build a collection of random friends" like a Barbie doll set where the entire collection is complete.

A job, a man, a house and a baby will all find you when you're ready and when it's absolutely the right time. Until then, I'm off the apps for good. Swiping right and left is just not for me.

For those who have found love using these impossible apps, good for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. As for the rest of us, let us also remain happy, because the skies and the oceans are still a lovely blue and the whole world remains within our reach to explore.

All we have to do is pack our bags and get out.

On that note, such lovely gyaan I give day in and day out while I hardly practise any of it myself. But it's on my bucket list, starting this year, to go back to doing wild and youthful things — such as standing in the middle of a 1,000-person concert and singing along with the band on stage, maybe getting on a bike again and hopefully not needing pinhole surgery for a busted shoulder, and many more demented things such as these.

Here's to staying young and wild forever, with or without a partner!

The Great Tutor Hunt: Raising a Seven-Year-Old in the Age of Academic Anxiety

It's so heartwarming and an absolute delight to listen to my half-Bengali, fully-fraud Mallu child speak almost fluent Tamil. “Ay, chinna paiyya, unakku Tamil pesa theriyuma?”, “Podum”, “Venda” and so on.

However, the flip side of this language knowledge is a never-ending flow of tuition masters and ma'ams who just keep quitting as he settles into learning with them. Home tutors are a dying trade, unlike when I was in school and college.

My life's greatest dilemma is no longer weight loss, perimenopause, going to the office and so on. It is finding the right tutors for my son.

Schools are aggressively competitive now, at such a tender age of six and upwards. Children compare marks, teachers pass remarks and, altogether, it's a daily circus that both parent and child have to deal with every single day for the next decade. It's a nightmare beyond the worst nightmares.

At this point, I'm half willing to listen to him and pull him out of school, or let him be an electronics teacher, as he says he wants to be. Plumbers and electricians in the US are paid as much as corporate workers in India. I'm tempted to let him drop out of school, but the good little Indian mommy in me disagrees. Sigh!

In the battle of brain versus heart, the brain wins this round hands down. So, while I'm filled with joy listening to my boy sing “Thalapathi Kacheri”, I'm also anxious that he continues to learn languages with the same energy and gusto, regardless of the cacophony of tutors who walk in and out of his life.

Each time a good one quits, his little heart breaks, and mine breaks along with his. 

Life indeed is hard for a seven-year-old today.

Things You Should—and Shouldn’t—Say to a Widow

Things not to say to a 34-year-old widow with a two-year-old:

“Be strong.”

“No choice now but to move forward bravely.”

“Get re-married ASAP!”

“He’s your angel in heaven, watching over you for life.”

Things you can actually say:

“Find a good therapist. You need it.”

“Take all the time in the world to mourn this loss.”

“I don’t understand what you’re going through, but you will come out of this. I promise.”

“You’re a singha ponnu — you can raise a child, you can step out to work, you can move mountains. Go ahead and do whatever you want. We’re with you every step of the way.”

Now, coming to the idiotic things that you must not say to a young widow, an old widow, a middle-aged widow — or a widower, for that matter.

The strength came from the partner they just lost. So please don’t ever ask them to “be strong”.

Not in that moment.

And definitely not ten years later.

Remarriage is a deeply personal choice. Please proceed with your matchmaking with people whose hearts didn’t break into a zillion tiny pieces.

And then there is grief.

Grief is not linear.

You’ll find yourself crying in the middle of eating a baked New York cheesecake from a Starbucks takeaway box, on a sunny Sunday, sitting at your kitchen counter.

You’ll also burst into tears when you see a band setting up a stage in the middle of a busy mall.

There will be days when you think you are doing absolutely fine, only to be blindsided by something completely ordinary.

A song.

A smell.

A place.

A random conversation.

A photograph.

And suddenly, you are right back there.

But the good news is that, with the passage of time, these triggers become less violent.

They become calmer, almost as though they have always existed somewhere inside your brain.

You feel the sadness and choose to flow with it.

Sometimes it feels like a heaviness in your chest.

Sometimes it comes as silent tears.

Sometimes you don't even know why you're crying.

And that's okay.

Simply accept those feelings of unforgotten love, and eventually, you find your own version of healing.

Maybe you'll wake up one day feeling absolutely calm about the tsunami of destruction that is your love life.

Or maybe you won't.

Guess what, though?

Both feelings are completely acceptable.

There is no correct timeline for grief.

There is no rulebook for how a widow or widower is supposed to feel, behave, heal, date, remarry, work, parent, laugh, cry or move on.

All you have to do is accept what comes.

And go with the flow.

The Clarity of Grief: What Losing My Partner Taught Me About Friendship

The people who leave you or misunderstand you when you need them the most—when you are in absolute turmoil—belong to a special category of vermin (oops, people) whom you never forget for the rest of your life. It is strange how people you have grown up with and known for decades can suddenly just flip off your radar.

For me, it all happened exactly five years ago. That terrible moment in my life brought immense clarity about who my real friends were, and who never truly were to begin with. Death, especially at a morbidly young age, is distressing enough on its own. It becomes even more overwhelming when accompanied by the sudden, lifelong responsibility of fending for another human being.

It is funny how people choose to come and speak utter rubbish to you at such a heartbreaking time. The comments thrown my way ranged from, "Oh, you shouldn't have kept rubbing the fluids that came out of the body while it was placed in the crematorium." To this, I promptly replied, "That was not a dead body or a piece of meat. That was my partner and the father of my child, and he looked like he was in discomfort." This absolute "gem" came from someone my late husband deeply adored.

His death brought to the fore the terrible decisions we had both made as a couple when it came to befriending people. He definitely had a few select, lousy characters around him, and apparently, so did I. Those relationships and friendships ended the moment he passed, and I haven't looked back since.As a good friend of over two decades always tells me: "You're an empath, Gayatri. That means people will always come to you with their life issues and drain you; they are called energy vampires. Pick your circles very carefully and stick to them. You can't solve everybody's life problems, and you shouldn't—it's not your job. You have plenty on your plate."

Perhaps he is right. I have always felt for people more than they have ever felt for me. I have had girlfriends cry on my shoulder over one-night stands that didn't turn out well, yet none of them were anywhere in sight when I lost my partner of 13 years. They were clearly questionable friendship choices. I never reached out to those folks after my husband passed, because I see their personalities with so much more understanding and clarity now.

Terrible life experiences are important for character building, but ultimately, it is your battle to fight alone. Dumping it on friends and family is not the solution—not now, not ever. In my late husband's words: "Figure it out." That is exactly what I have been doing ever since my life changed five years ago.

Coming back to the main point of this piece: always remember the ones who chose to leave when you needed them the most, and make wiser decisions when it comes to your social circles.

The Ball Pit Chronicles: Welcome to the Next Level

Riaan dragged me to one of his favourite playzones bright and early this morning. As usual, we were the first customers, meaning he got to sweep the entire play area with his socks alongside the cleaning staff. The thing is, it was much more crowded than usual this morning because another Riaan was celebrating his birthday in the same area.

Bunches of mothers stood together, discussing baby milestones. Hearing snippets of their conversation, I was super tempted to butt in. The place was flooded with nannies, mothers, fathers, and an assortment of fluffy-looking children—honestly, fluffier than the balls in the ball pit. I definitely wanted to kidnap one or two of them... okay, three, not going to lie.

Going back to the group of mommies, they were clearly all first-time mothers. Their chatter went something like, "They're no longer babies; they've entered their toddler phases. It's so exhausting." I had to stifle many chuckles at that point and resist the urge to interrupt with, "Welcome to motherhood, sisters, where every level gets more exhausting than the last and you never get to sleep for the rest of your lives."

I had walked into the mall very grumpily this morning after a poor night's sleep, complaining heavily to my own mother: "I haven't shopped in a mall for months now. Suddenly, malls only mean playzones and a child who keeps screaming for me. I didn't sign up for this for the rest of my life. When will this end?" And lo and behold, I immediately bumped into toddler moms talking about exhaustion. Cue so many more giggles.

Sigh. Children—those necessary evils we voluntarily signed up to care for, for the rest of our lives (or hopefully less, I'll let you know).

Vietnamese Cheesecake Insomnia

A gigantic Vietnamese cheesecake has been had,

While in the moment I felt glad,

The insomnia that has kicked in is mad.

Gigantic desserts, bigger than your face,

That can't keep up with your metabolic pace,

Must be avoided at best,

So that you can rest.

The caramel ice cream that accompanied it,

Was also a hit.

I'm still dreaming of those creamy textures,

The perfect symphony of biscuit, cream cheese, and butter mixtures.

A gigantic Vietnamese cheesecake has been had,

While in the moment I felt glad,

The insomnia that has kicked in is mad.

The Trauma Brain: Powered by an Automatic, Unstoppable Engine

Trauma brains and overwork—my absolute favourite topic to write about because I've lived through it. Sometimes, I continue to live through it, thanks to immediate work or life issues, or lingering grief from my late husband. The point is, whatever the trauma, I wake up the next morning with a smile so bright that even a high-voltage Surya bulb would be terrified of me.

Ex-colleagues from my previous organisation were bowled over to learn that I had lost my husband just four months prior to joining the company. It was during that period I realised I have Deadpool inside me, and I was doing a far better job than Ryan Reynolds in real life—no disrespect to Mr. Reynolds, of course! My personality suddenly got amplified from funny to funnier, and loud to louder, and I had absolutely no control over it. I remember calling myself "the wild widow"—in my own head, of course. If I had said it out loud at that moment, I might have been taken straight to an asylum.

The point is, my trauma brain erases pain so quickly that I could put ISRO and NASA's space rockets to shame. Even before those wonderful machines can reach their destinations, a smile wider than a lunar crater is already plastered across my face. This ability came to me naturally five years ago, and now there is no going back. I call it the "trauma brain"—an automatic switch that flips on and off, an engine that is always running and ignites all on its own.

How wonderful is the human brain, honestly? The way it helps us adapt to any and every life situation is simply amazing.

The Rambo Circus of Working Parenthood

Aah, Friday—the smell of freedom after a murderous five-day week of office and school. It is murder every single day with a variety of files and strange (and not-so-strange) homework to close before the end of every working day. Sometimes, work and school are both in crisis, with notebooks running out of pages or five different photographs of transportation needing to be taken to school before the new week starts.

The list of tasks is never-ending. As I always say, someone is always crying somewhere, and mummy always has to come to the rescue—both mommies: the mommy at work and the mommy representing the school. The work has to be finished quickly with a "there, there" maternal tap on the back to encourage good behaviour from all stakeholders involved. Children, the whole lot of them—the one at home and otherwise!

It's a lot to absorb and conquer before 9 PM every night. But what is life without juggling and overwork? I didn't sign up to be a little potato waiting to be boiled in a pressure cooker, ready to be mashed inside the bhaji and presented on a plate with pav. No, I'm happy to be the maker of the bhaji who presents the plate of pav bhaji to a customer. I've always loved to be in charge—however chaotic.

On that note, welcome to the crazy life of every single working parent in the world. We are jugglers of work and life. At this point, someone needs to pay us to be the circus clowns at Rambo Circus because we throw so many multicoloured balls into the air and catch every single one of them without dropping. At least the clowns get clapped for and applauded by a wonderful audience, while we undergo quiet labour without so much as a whistle, let alone clapping. Sigh! 

Anyway, thank God it's Friday, and I'm grateful to close yet another murderous week of school and work drama.

Why a Culture of Professionalism Matters

Self-respect and choosing not to be a doormat are entirely within your hands. When an individual, an organization, or both treat you poorly and fail to value your story or the difficulties you face just to function for their sake, that is when you quietly move on. It is very simple. 

Of course, everyone wants financial freedom and independence, but it certainly must not come at the cost of your peace of mind. Being a victim of the system is absolutely not my style. It is a pity that organizations and people simply assume we will stay indefinitely, listening to their nonsensical outbursts without reacting.

What is even more pitiful is a complete lack of professionalism. Keep your personal problems at home and do not vent them onto your team. It takes less than a second for someone to realize you are having a bad day. I have worked through the anniversary of my husband's death every single year for the past five years without blinking an eye. You can call that either toxic positivity or the ability to separate emotions from work. 

Work requires you to be a professional, not an agitated individual projecting life problems—no one cares, and honestly, no one should except you. It shocks and surprises me to witness emotional outbursts every now and then, which only push me to exit quietly. 

As I mentioned before, an organization or an individual that does not value you as a human being will definitely not value your deliverables.