Swaroop Chettan

I'm a widow, a single mom and an obsessive communications professional for the whole world. But for Swaroop chettan, I'll always be a five year old. I could see the pain in his eyes as I described my illogical love for work, the rituals i did over my husband's dead body and his murderous company and how they easily washed their hands off him, the minute he died.

I've loved this man, ever since I was a baby. He would make me sit on the steps of his three storey house and run away from me, because I would cling onto him for dear life, all day, everyday. And no child likes a cling on baby sister.

When his sister got married, I wanted to play a game of cards and he looked me straight in the face and said, "But this game is only for grown-ups. Kindly sit back and observe. You are not welcome." I was 23 years old at the time. 

When his wife met me in Calcutta nine years ago, along with their first born child, she told my late husband, "I always thought Gayatri was a seven year old, the way Swaroop described her. Then i saw Gayatri in-person and realised she's a fully grown adult woman." Then she laughed along with my late husband, who happily confirmed, "Yes. She's till a child in an adult's body."

I'm not sure whether I like being infantilized or I hate it. I'm conflicted. I have a 4.5 year old now, who I gave birth to, yet my siblings don't take me seriously. I'll always be "Gayu" and "Gaayti" for them. 

Ever since I was a teenager I've handed Swaroop chettan a big invisible basket, which I've been filling up with scandalous secret after secret, and I've told him to shut up about it. I'm not sure if I've given him BP and pressure over the years, with my antics. But i know he always has my back.

He has passed on his obsessive love for superheros to me and I have passed it onto my son. If there's a funny bone in me and if I'm even slightly cool as a person, it's all thanks to Swaroop chettan and Arjun chettan.

I love these boys obsessively. They've been my first loves, after appuppan and achan of course and Ive always sought their characterics in my life partner. Solid, reliable and always standing up for their partners. (Now I don't want to speak to their partners to confirm all this - they might beat me with slippers or just smile and nod)

Brothers, what can you do without them really? I'm blessed to have these two. 

Crash And Burn

14 months, since I stepped out into the workforce fulltime and decided to drown my sorrows with work. I wanted to fill the gaping hole left behind by my late husband with unending work. And i loved my work, every bit of it. So much so, that I didn't take a single day off in 14 months.

My parents took me to Ooty for two weeks and I worked throughout the stay. Work became an addiction. I was checking emails at 6am and 11pm. I wanted to be the absolute best at what I did.

Then came a rainy Monday morning, where I found myself coughing endlessly. I ignored it and kept working, until my body decided to shut down. Suddenly my head began to hurt, my shoulders began to feel limp and I felt nauseous. I rushed home and just lay in bed for the rest of the day.

I took some antibiotics, prescribed by a local doctor in our colony. I turned on my laptop the next day and began my 9am-6pm work day as usual.

Sometime between shooting out an email and strategizing the social media calender for the upcoming week, i began to feel breathless and felt a distinct catch in the middle of my chest - like a heart attack. I ignored it for about an hour, until my face started getting blue.

My father rushed me to the hospital, where the duty doctor gave me a nice shelling and quickly got me admitted into the hospital. The next 2.5 days were spent with drips, heavy medication and multiple injections.

I'm back home now, still wobbly and drowsy. I'm not sure what happened. Was it work stress? Was it the change in weather? Was it the fact that I hadn't taken a single day off in 14 months?

I'll never know. All i know is, health is everything. Prioritise it today, before it's too late. After blaming my late husband so much for working and overworking, and not spending time at home with the child and me, I realised, I've horrifyingly turned exactly into him.

I've taken a week off to recoup and to just take a breather. That's one entire week off, after 14 months of endless work. 

Also, hot chocolate, i need some hot chocolate now. The thick, decadent Moddy's (Ooty) and San Churro's (Bombay) kind. 

My Morning Coffee

My first sip of morning coffee, made by me, for me every single morning, especially over the weekends is my way of saying, "I love me". Before the madness of the day begins and before my maniacal toddler screeches his way out of bed, with his 10,000 unreasonable demands, this is my time. 

A moment to gather my thoughts, a moment to go through all my tasks for the day and a moment to forget and forgive all those who've rubbed me on the wrong side. My morning coffee makes me patient, kind and a complete joy to talk to.

It's fuel for my soul and for my brain. Whoever invented this liquid brown gold, God bless your soul abundantly! You're literally saving lives, one sip at a time, everyday. 

My morning coffee, is my calm before the storm. I really get to enjoy it, especially over the weekends, taking pleasure in the fact that, I don't have a toddler to pack off to school before 8am. My morning coffee over the weekdays is rushed and barely enjoyed. Still, I need it to function and survive.

My next cup of coffee is had at work, post lunch, to stay awake and continue the good fight, of being a communications professional. Without it, I'm a sleepy, grumpy mess.

Coffee is everything. It's my pick me up, my ninja sword and at the very core of my Gayu survival kit.

Oh coffee! You blessed, blessed brown liquid. What would I do without you? 

My Rocks

The rock-solid rocks in my life. Nope, not Dwayne Johnson. My brother and his better half. Not sure what state I would have been in today, if they hadn't stood by me, when I was completely broken.

I was living among the land of the dead from 6th December 2021 and these two just yanked me out of that rabbit hole, with every molecule of energy inside them.

They knew what to say, they knew how to behave and they knew when to shut up, when I sounded delusional. Loosing a partner at 34, happens to one in ten married couples. I was the unfortunate "one" in that statistic.

I can't say that the past 1.5 years have been completely shitty. I figured something out, thanks to my toddler who needed a parent, now more than ever. He had already lost one, i couldn't let him lose the other. 

Rejoining the land of the living was one of the wisest decisions I took since my husband passed away. And i couldn't have done it without the forceful nudging my sibling, his better half and my parents gave me.

The land of the living is fragile and full of egos. I don't take it for granted anymore. If you like something, grab it, with all your might. Your life is finite, you don't really have that much time, as you imagine.

My generation is in the worst-shape, health wise. We're obsessed with promotions and appraisals more than anything else. It is the epicentre of our lives and rightfully so. We have responsibilities and piling expenses. Why should we not chase our careers?

To my fellow widows and widowers; the worst has already happened. So get out there and be your most authentic self. Be fearless, be brave and don't back down. Stick to your beliefs, do whatever you want to do, it's your life. You make the rules. And smile, occassionally. It's a beautiful world filled with action-packed superhero movies, luscious chocolate ice-cream and piping-hot chole bhature.