Thursday, October 31, 2024

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Three years since you've been gone, but the mind-numbing pain and the intensity of that pain remains just the same. There's this deep, endless black pit that you left behind and I'm unable to fill it up.

The loneliness is intense, the grief is loud and my anger issues have probably hit through the ceiling and have gone all the way up, into the milky way galaxy.

I'm empty. The heaviness gets more profound on certain days. It sucks that you're not around on your birthday or mine. It sucks that I can't tell you important life changing decisions I've taken. 

I have people to laugh with and eat with and work with, but none of them are you. And I remember you, every single day. 

Tears do no justice to your absence. Instead, I want to break things and scream people down. Maybe I'll feel a little better then. I don't know. 

If I could go back in time and re-do everything, I know you'd probably still die, because you never listened to me anyway. 

Why? That's all I ask, even today. Why did you have to kill yourself with work? 

Monday, October 28, 2024

Blinding Lights


Riaan hugged the television screen last night,
And twirled on his toes, like he was about to take flight,

Can Baba be undead?
No, the dead remain dead,

Do you miss him?
No, I hated him,

He teased me too much,
So, I just wanted to give him a punch,

We quickly turned our sadness,
Into happiness,

By watching the rest of the song,
And we quietly sang along,

To The Weeknd,
Our favourite song, any given day of the week, especially the weekends,

As the music filled out cozy living room,
We quietly pulled ourselves out of our gloom.

Saturday, October 26, 2024

Night and Day


Old my soul,
With one too many holes,

The noises in my head,
Won't stop even when it hits the bed,

Take me to a loud crowded place,
And I'm still in a daze,

The sadness in my heart worsens,
The tears I hold back begin to get fierce,

Noisy nights,
Remind me of all the flights,

You took straight to me,
The only spouse in the midst of an office party spree,

I was secretly embarrassed and proud,
That you made your presence loud,

You won over everyone's heart,
Just by being you, funny and smart,

You are missed, night and day,
Even your absence fills my life in every way,

Unsure how I even get out of bed, with you gone,
I see only darkness whether it's night or dawn. 

Friday, October 25, 2024

Venom


Eddie Brock and Venom share a bond,
That can't be explained in words to a generation that wants to don,

This role of commitment phobia,
Something long term and real bring them claustrophobia,

To you Venom would say, be a man,
And I would chime in, be a woman,

When a human and a symbiote,
Can stay afloat,

In an impossible relationship,
Dont give me this trip,

Of non-vulnerability, you can take a hike,
Someplace far far away with your nonsensical mic,

I'm all in or nothing, just like Eddie and Venom,
I've experienced crazy love, with zero space for soulless and numb,

I'm rooting for you Eddie and Venom,
Your bond is warm and cosy, just like my favourite pair of denims. 

Monday, October 21, 2024

Hi and Bye



To the man who loved me in life and death,
Long after there were no more breaths,

Thank you,
For being you,

Grumpy and difficult,
But never indifferent,

To showering me with brownies,
And attempting to wipe away my frownies,

We didn't get to say goodbye,
And I've become this person who flings around her byes,

Like loose change,
I'm able to sense when people turn strange,

And to them I say goodbye,
I was married to a great guy once, he's probably in the skies,

Be great,
I don't like to wait,

I have things to do,
Other than trying to fix your internal screws,

After abruptly losing the love of my life, 
My tolerance to strife,

Has gone to zero,
So be a hero,

Or step aside, 
And watch me walk away with pride.

Mad Mondays


Just one of those days,
When there's just too much haze,

The brain is exploding,
The stomach is ticking,

Should have eaten more,
To stop my heads' pounding roar,

Calls to catch,
Baby's swimming class to match,

A call coincidences with his class today,
I have to be in two places at the same time, today,

Miss the class, the boss at home is annoyed,
Miss the call and I'll not be met with joy,

The juggling is endless,
The tasks far from mindless,

There's always icecream,
For everything else, I'll let out an occasional scream.

Saturday, October 19, 2024

Not Really Alone

Another year around the sun,
With my little bun,

No longer saying our,
For the finality of death solidifies with every passing hour,

What a pointless way to die,
We could never meet eye to eye,

When it came to conversations on your work,
I understand hard work,

It's all I've ever seen,
But you were always in a maniacal state of being,

Sleeping with your laptop,
The typing and the calls, non-stop,

I wondered why you worked that way,
What was the point of it all, anyway,

I'm three years older than you today,
While you continue to remain young with every passing day,

Strange this life, without you,
But I've grown accustomed to walking in both our shoes,

I'm a dad and a mom today,
And I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way,

Happy birthday in advance, my love,
I hope God throws you a fantastic bash up above.

Monday, October 14, 2024

The Rains


The rains, heavy and hard,
Similar to your feelings, cut up and charred,

The fat raindrops,
Remind you to wipe away your teardrops,

The invisible ones,
That you hold back for the world, but slips out in front of loved ones,

This gloomy weather,
Makes you realise you can storm any weather,

But there's a world of pain,
Similar to this heavy rain,

It will stop, both the rain,
And the pain,

The water always dries up,
There's always a reason to look up,

Chin up, stare at the skies,
Admire the clouds, misty and high,

Rains are only temporary,
The sun will soon be out, to dry away all your worries.

Friday, October 11, 2024

Travellers

The world is not a place you understand anymore,
People come, only to go,

Everything is temporary,
Less than ordinary,

Expect nothing,
Expectations only bring,

Disappointment and heartburn,
But I suppose this is how you learn,

About the ways of this empty world,
And it's empty people, count your blessings for you belong to a different world,

One where you've seen peace and love,
Anything less you must push away and shove,

It's not for you,
This world and it's empty people, it's not for you.

Monday, October 07, 2024

The Void


There is a void,
People want to avoid,

Getting in touch with their emotions,
They just want to go through the motions,

Without feeling or thought,
It's a nightmare to be caught,

In a situation void of love,
Just disallow,

And step back,
If you feel taken aback,

That's not you,
Never will be, you understand what the other person wants through and through,

Cut off, walk away,
It's alright if your mind feels disarray,

You want the once in a lifetime stuff,
Finding that today is tough,

But find it, you will,
Slowly and steadily, if you have the will.

Sunday, October 06, 2024

Tired


You know that moment, when you're soul is tired,
Yet you're wired,

To step out there,
And portray to the world, that there's no wear and tear,

There's always chilli chicken,
Fat free icecream and Riaan, to make you feel brazen,

So you plough along,
With your tired soul and play along,

To the madness of the world,
While all you want to do is lock yourself up in a room and be unheard,

But this mouth of mine,
Makes people feel they're not on cloud nine,

Blunt, loud,
Politically incorrect and uncouth,

Unfortunately, this is me,
I'm caged yet free,

Please note, it's a Monday,
And I'm wishing it's a Sunday,

All my demons are out to play,
I'm not going to stop their play. 

Saturday, October 05, 2024

Forgotten

Riaan no longer remembers you,
He swiped across a photo of you,

And asked who you were, 
My mind went into a blur,

I decided to let it slip,
As he continued to flip,

Across the photographs on my phone,
He looked at pictures and videos of his own,

Chuckling and giggling,
Calling himself cute, as he continued wriggling,

Next to me on bed,
I kissed him on his head,

With a sadness in my chest,
Your son has finally laid you to rest,

It's almost like you never existed for him,
He's pampered beyond recognition, all his whims,

Fulfilled, 
His life is filled,

With love and play,
His mind, a mouldable clay,

Forgetting you, 
Was perhaps his way of healing himself of you,

He's alright, our boy,
More mine now, than yours, he has a strong voice,

Opinionated and stubborn,
There are moments he gives me heartburn,

But he is alright, our boy,
Correction, my boy. 

Wednesday, October 02, 2024

Devyani

This woman gets me,
The gruesome, deep, dark, unhappy me,

I would've married her,
And had all her,

Three babies,
Riaan, Agasthya and Adithi, but our relationship is not a maybe,

There's love, 
There's a desire to plough,

Through every challenge,
Together we try and punch,

Each other's problems out,
We root for each other and shout,

My sister from another mother,
There's no bother,

That your sense of humor,
Doesn't pluck out and burn, like a nasty tumour,

You sort out my personal and professional life,
Like a loyal wife,

I love you,
My darling boo,

Let's get married in the next life.

My Darling Girl


It was on a Wednesday that I got you, 
Twenty two years in the making and I finally have you,

I'll limp for a week,
My right leg seems weak,

This burning on my skin,
Makes my heart spin,

Welcome home my darling girl,
You're a pearl,

On my skin,
We'll soon be twins,

Correction, two bodies with one soul,
I look to you to heal all the gaping holes,

In my life,
With love, luck, peace and a renewed zest for life,

I know you can do it,
Sort out everything, bit by bit,

With your Pixie dust,
Compassion and trust,

My little fairy on skin,
Let's get out into the world, conquer and grin. 

Tuesday, October 01, 2024

Morning Air


The crispness of the morning air,
Ruffles through your hair,

Church bells ring,
M.S Subbulakshmi sings,

The mosque prayers on the loud speakers,
Finally wakes up all the sleepers,

I'm awake, 
Wide awake,

The crisp air,
Is perfect for the skin and hair,

I'm tempted to step out for a walk,
Around my building block,

As the night gives way to dawn,
I stiffle my yawns,

Big day today,
I'm sure it's going to change my life in every way.