Home Sweet Home

I hate to admit this, but some of the best decisions of my life have been taken for me by my parents. The terrible ones which had me stuffing my face with too much food and bawling my eyes out, were all mine.

This house was another such decision they took for me, when I came back home abruptly when my marriage of close to 8 years ended. My parents were quick to invest in a home for me.

"Who am I going to build that house with? My dead husband?", was the question I asked them. "You need your own space and therefore you must move out", was their reply.

So I clung on to them and the house that I grew up in even harder, but I could slowly see the practicality of live apart, yet close. My family is loud and opinionated, everyone brings their unique thinking on board which sometimes can cause friction. And that's the most diplomatic way in which I can describe Indian families and silly squabbles.

I eventually moved out with my 4 year old in toe, but close enough to still be around my parents. My kitchen is just for show, because all my meals come from mom's house. My son hates living with me and prefers spending all his free time with his grandparents while I work.

They've gone to Ooty for the summer and I've been home alone for the past 2 weeks. And the bachelorette life is absolutely bliss. No screechy little child to feed every 2 hours, no toys to trip and fall over and a routine that doens't involve shutting between two houses and listening to my now 6 year old son, accuse me of "taking the worst decision of our lives" by moving homes. 

A home is not just a monetary investment, it's a slice of peace, your safe haven and a little bit of your crazy personality up on display.

It's been a little over 2 years since I've been living solo and what a great experience it has been. It's empowering, it's peaceful and I highly recommend it. 

Superheroes

There hasn't been a single superhero movie made,

That hasn't changed my life or made me wonder why I'm so afraid,

Superheroes are larger than life,

And full of life,

They're strong yet vulnerable,

They make mistakes, yet are more than capable,

They have family who kick their ass,

Some whose partners die alas,

They're human, despite being heroes,

Sometimes they too feel like zeros,

The same insecurity which we humans have,

Yet they create history and carve,

Their names, 

They're truly one of a kind, they save the world because it's right and not for fame,

Every superhero leaves a lasting impact on me,

They inspire me to break free,

From the shackles I've created inside me,

I should just be,

Because there's only one me,

And there's only one you, so let us just be.

Friday

Friday, 

Is no ordinary day,

It brings with it a breath of fresh air,

You can finally let down your hair,

The finish line,

Just a few gorgeous hours away, so hold on to your whines,

Instead, open a bottle of wine,

Or thulp down some Bailey's, whatever makes you feel on cloud nine,

My weekend is already packed,

My brains no longer feel racked,

I'm already looking forward,

And onwards,

To my cheat meal Sunday,

And swim sessions today and Saturday,

A whole lot of me time,

Makes my heart sing a joyous chime.

Hyperactive Energy

Someone called me Harley Quinn last week,

And this morning my mother called my son a hyperactive little cheek,

He was climbing over sofas and walls,

Swinging between everything, almost like he was about to free-fall,

I looked at him and realized,

Without feeling surprised,

Of course he's hyper, I'm hyper in my head,

He will obviously be one step ahead,

While I take out my hyperactiveness with words,

He does the same, with action and words,

Hyperactive is the best way to be,

Who wants to be pleasant like ghee,

We're not people pleasers,

And never will be,

It's always great to have a sharp tongue,

And actions that match those words that  spontaneously sprung,

Best to vent out all that energy,

So that the heart and mind are always in synergy.

ZNMD

When I saw this movie as a student,

I was convinced I'd be cool guy Imran, writing poetry that was simply brilliant,

Who knew, I'd turn out to be workaholic Arjun,

Turning down family holidays and feeling like a champion,

Waiting for my Laila now,

To turn up somehow,

On a cool motorbike, 

Advising me to let work take a hike,

Maybe I do need saving,

A hot male version of Laila on a bike, I'm definitely craving,

In the interim, let me just get back to work,

And hope the divine force up above, fulfills all my whimsical desires and quirks. 

Bye Bye Summers

Woke up this morning to a bright shiny day,

Black skies similar to an alien attack, fully gone away,

So are the summers back,

Are we under another heat attack,

As my mind wandered with these thoughts, the colours of the skies changed,

Almost like the moods of the clouds rearranged,

Humans must learn from nature,

There is nothing greater,

Than quietly accepting the right now,

Without questioning how,

Accept change,

Always be ready to rearrange,

Your habits, your perceptions and your beliefs,

Change brings relief,

So accept the now,

Without questioning how,

It's the only way you can move along,

Be quick to say, so long,

And embrace the new,

Even if you're lost and have no clue.

Breathwork

Mind over matter,

It's the only way to quieten the brain's chatter,

Slow, deep breaths,

And all negative thoughts die a slow, painful death,

Believe that good things are on the way,

Have the conviction that you can convert hay,

To pure gold, 

With having to sell your soul,

To evil Rumpelstiltskin,

Your confident skin,

Is all you need,

To hold yourself up in good stead,

Throw away all negativity,

At the same time, there's no need for toxic positivity,

Breathe, that's all you need to do,

To change your world view.

Empuraan

As I rewatch Empuraan,

I remembered how my mind ran,

Inside that big dark movie hall,

Where I kept eating Shina's brain, telling her that I want to do it all,

Be in a drug cartel, become a politician,

You please handle your current position,

Which is of being a corporate slave,

Where only you misbehave,

This much drama is enough in your life woman,

She told me, far from being wooden,

We chuckled hysterically, 

And commented maniacally,

That's what happens when two mallus watch Lalettan,

What took over us, was a sense of giddy headedness,

All those punch dialogues and costume changes,

And location changes,

Had us in awe,

Lalettan movies must release every 6 months by law,

A nice morning was had,

Watching Lalettan made us feel happy and glad. 

Solo Dates

I took myself out on a solo shopping spree followed by a lunch and coffee date. It surprisingly didn't feel awkward or strange. The mall was buzzing with enough chatter and noise. I felt like an insignificant goldfish inside a large bowl full of people. 

I blew up some of my hard earned money on way too many cosmetics, all impulsive buys of course. "I'll just have a look at one purple kajal please", was my opening line to the salesperson at Lifestyle. She took one look at me and knew I was the perfect bait. Before I knew it, I walked out of the store with one too many foundations and kajal sticks. There is no such thing as too much make-up in this world.

Summers in Chennai have me looking like melted caramel icecream, with my foundation just flowing off my face. Picture Shobhana in the middle of her Nagavalli dance, that's me, on any given day that I decide to throw on some gold bronzer on my face.

Now back to my solo date, I walked into my favourite Italian joint, to be greeted warmly by the server who recognised me instantly. I gobbled up way too many carbs in one single meal. Next, I decided to end that decadent binge with more decadence by walking into a newly opened coffee shop. 

I ordered an Americano and a double chocolate chip cookie. By now my pounding migraine (thanks to my super early morning swim), was picking up some shape and form around the corners of my skull.

I knew it was time to go home now. Indians are loud, and for that I'm grateful. I didn't feel lonely or bored during my entire morning and afternoon out.

To more solo shopping and food sprees! 

The Smells of Chennai

The aroma of Saambar in the mornings,

Ghee fried tiffins by evening,

Kurma and saadams in the afternoon,

Freshly brewed filter coffee all through June,

Just kidding, 

There's no ridding,

Of fliter coffee,

It's one beverage that everyone meets eye to eye,

Then comes the fresh sea breeze,

To put our minds at ease,

These familiar smells,

Are what make Chennai feel like home, our brain cells,

Immediately perk up,

Our moods instantly brighten up,

All thanks to these typical Chennai smells,

Our hearts swell,

With sheer joy,

Work is immediately put aside as our heart goes "oh boy, oh boy",

For me, food always comes first,

Most evenings I give in to a delectable urge,

It's either bondas or vadas,

Without it, my mood is nada, 

Chennai and it's smells,

It definitely rings my heart's bells.

This Song

My go to workout song,

Absolutely not a single lyric and melody wrong,

It pumped me to jog,

My brain just accepted this beautiful tune like a hog,

Poopie always told me,

That it reminded him of me,

I wonder who that girl was, whom he met,

I remember always having a brain that fret,

It's lively and loud, just like you,

This song is you,

He convinced me,

So I just let it be,

When I give it a listen now,

I simple allow,

Those wonderful memories to wash over me,

Maybe I am as a bright as a bee. 

Guilty Pleasures

I strolled into Shri Krishna Sweets today after my 40 minute walk, scanned their snack shelves from top to bottom and then asked the sales person, "Aren't there baked snacks here?" She looked at me, controlled a snigger and said, "Illa madam." I gave her an all knowing smile back.

She and I both knew, I was definitely not looking for healthy food options inside one of Chennai's oldest sweet shops.

I quickly walked up to the billing counter, grabbed two individual Kaju Katlis and one Chandrakala. As she was billing the items, my eyes fell upon a very tempting poster of golden fried samosas. "Samosa irruka?", I asked her with drool practically dripping down the sides of my mouth now.

"Irruku madam. Ellame gaali." I now had access to ghee fried Samosas and puffs barely five minutes away from home. My heart skipped a beat. My tongue quickly took a delicious trip down nostalgia lane remembering those aromatic ghee-fried samosas stuffed with raisins, cashews and potatoes.

I've had a good day. I gobbled down two Kaju Katlis and one Chandrakala faster than a lizard  flicking it's tongue in and out to catch bugs.

I've had a very good day indeed. Burp! 

Shit Storm Survivor

I'm not sure whether it was my army upbringing and constantly hearing stories of war. Or whether I was raised by an anxious grandmother. Or the fact that my 35 year old seemingly healthy spouse decided to climb the stairway to heaven over 3 years ago, the point is I've become an efficient shit storm survivor.

I anticipate it, with my unnecessary overthinking, i concort scenarios in my head that may or may not happen. Long story short, I always have a plan B and I'm ready to lock and load, whenever required.

I remember the initial couple of months after my husband passed away, I just couldn't bring myself to being happy. I had gone for an offsite and had bagged an award within 6 months of joining the organisation and I was elated. Through all that laughter and hysteria, I felt extremely guilty for being so happy. I was a new widow afterall.

That feeling persists till date. When seemingly happy or exciting things happen around me, I anticipate in my head, "but where's the shit storm?" 

My moments of sheer bliss and joy come from eating a good meal. Anything other than food, I simply do not trust. My guards are always up, I'm ready to disconnect, move on, keep walking and so on.

I'm not unhappy per se, I'm just suspicious of happiness. I'm happy averse, if there is such a term. I believe all good things end quickly, therefore it's better not to get too attached to the illusion.

Finally, I realise my story is not unique. Everyone is fighting a silent battle, we know nothing about. So the least we can do, is be kind. Let people down gently, if you must. There really is no room for violence, because everything is over in the blink of an eye. 

Work Breaks

Breaks between work,

Are super important to keep your brain in check and not twerk,

Crazy thoughts like, being a comic writer for Marvel,

Should be thrown away, lest it solidify like marble,

It is what it is,

Real jobs don't give you bliss,

It pays your bills,

And will someday let you write a handsome will,

So keep those crazy thoughts aside,

Order some butter chicken side by side,

And get back to work, 

After a substantial break, 

So that you don't break,

You can always hit the brakes,

When things start to fly over your head,

So that you can come back feeling refreshed and keep going ahead. 

Chennai's Scorching Summer

Both my laptop and I are giving up,

We're shutting down,

Electronically and mentally,

The air conditioning is turned on periodically,

Once, every half hour,

My nose turns a bright shade of red by the end of every hour,

I closely resemble Rudolph,

With my brains chewed-off,

There's work and there's work calls,

How I have to attend them all,

In this scorching heat,

Has me feeling beat,

Functioning on will power,

And brain power,

The body has clearly given up,

With the temperatures constantly soaring up,

A rain would do us good,

It would instanantly cool down our hood. 

My Dearest Poopie in Heaven

What a privilege to have known you,

And to be loved by you,

As I narrate our 13 year old saga,

From start to finish, my mind still goes gaga,

Over the crazy memories we created,

We hardly ever waited,

To action one impulsive decision to the next,

Everything felt like a test,

That we aced with flying colours,

Of course there were moments I hated you, but we always found cover,

In each other's comforting presence,

You were the calm to my storm, my vanilla essence,

As I look back on the life we led,

I can proudly raise my head,

And confirm, I'm not hard to be loved,

I was once somebody's beloved,

Sadly, all good things come to an end,

In death, we found our bend,

But I'll always hold on to you,

During the moments I feel blue.

My Mum, the Badass

My mother is my biggest critic and cheerleader. She is the epitome of the phrase "getting your ass handed to you". 

A typical conversation between her and me, goes like this -

"Maa, what tattoo should I get this year?", I ask.

Pat comes the reply, "Stop being such a wannabe Gayu."

"Oh gosh, I'm drunk", I announce after one shot of sweet liquor

"Who told you to drink so fast? Such a mallu you are.", she declares.

I think the only time I've ever seen my mother crumble, was when I lost the love of my life and for the first time ever, she wasn't able to help.

As I spiralled out, she let me be and when I drowned myself at work, she once again let me be. 

She's mostly just let me be, a wild child in control of my life. She's trusted me with everything except feeding her grandson. That's where she draws the line and yanks the plate out of my hand, to stuff his face with food.

A tough cookie on the outside and soft as gelato on the inside, that's my mum. My voice of reason, when I want to listen to reason. 

My mother gets me like no one else in the world. I'll always be Mumma's girl, firstly and lastly. 

Mothers

Amma has many names,

Ammumma, kunjamma, chechi, each one of these women have claim,

To the tiny human beings at home,

These ladies feel like home,

Disagreements are aplenty,

But they're the voice of reason in your head, way before you're twenty,

So all your thoughts, however old or new,

They dinned into you, way before you flew,

Out of your cosy nest,

They only want what's best,

For you and the tiny humans you made,

They played,

An active role in making you a great mom too,

How else did you manage to put two and two,

When bones were crushed,

And a tiny human you flushed,

Mothers, they know only how to love,

Their warmth and affection, snug as a glove.

Theobroma Brownies

Theobroma brownies, will always be a slice of home,

It was the one thing that poopie picked up for me, everytime my mouth had foam,

I can't remember the number of relationship disputes,

And marital disputes,

This sugary wonder has helped pacify,

So everytime I bite into one now, I sigh,

Those wonderful memories,

Come flashing to my mind, like well preserved documentaries,

Of course sugar and romance, go hand in hand,

Fowl tempers instantly jammed,

Every argument forgotten,

Bitter feelings quickly trodden,

Perhaps Theobroma brownies represent poopie,

Or they remind me of Bombay, either way, I instantly feel less droopie,

What a story that was,

It still makes me pause,

Greatful for the love and the brownies,

It makes me forget all my frownies. 

Migraine Headaches

I truly want to believe age is just a number,

But my head stands out like a sore member,

A three day long migraine,

That's grinding my brain,

To total pulp,

All i can do is yelp,

There's only so much shut eye, I can pull,

In the middle of a working day, when there's hardly a lull,

I blame my overthinking,

My thoughts have thoughts, some have me soaring, some sinking,

My head is a dark place,

There's simply no space,

For light,

My thoughts swifty boarding flight after flight,

There's no slowing down the voices,

Or drowning them with white noises,

Day #4 of of the migraine is underway,

I wish there was a way,

To ease the throbbing,

My peace of mind, it's officially robbing.