Widowed

I don't want to remember you anymore, but our son keeps asking me, if your death can be reversed and if you will jump into our house from the stars.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but friendly colleagues want to know, if I'm married and what my husband does for a living. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but social media and Google photos throw up a new memory of us everyday. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but the weekends are eerily quiet now, with no bizzare music blaring in the house, long drives and nitpicking on which restaurant to eat from.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but the prospect of having no one to take retirement holidays with, is depressing.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but each day I step into work, I wonder how you would have done things differently.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but your dimply smile and crazy laughter, have permanently etched itself into my brain.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but you've abandoned me as usual, now of all times, when i most needed you. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but I'm still alive and breathing, living under the weight of your foolish decisions. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but I find myself wondering if our roles were reversed, how you would have grieved my death or if you would have grieved my death at all, considering your very busy work schedule.

I don't want to remember you anymore, but Love, Death and Robots just released a new season on Netflix. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but the sensation of rubbing ghee all over your body and pushing you into the fire still pricks my hands. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, but the smell of your ashes are still fresh in my head.

I don't want to remember you anymore, because remembering you is remembering a happier version of me, a me that smiled genuinely and laughed heartily. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, because I have a son to raise, single-handedly, no thanks to you. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, because remembering you, makes me realise what a fool in love I was. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, because my head hurts with all the unanswered questions I am left with.

I don't want to remember you anymore, because I never want to give anyone that much power in my life, ever again. 

I don't want to remember you anymore, because thinking of the life we built together, kills me bit by bit everyday.

I don't want to remember you anymore, because I am exhausted. And I don't want to be exhausted anymore.