No Fairy Tale Endings In Real Life

 

Death changes you. When one person dies, another is re-born.. the bereaved. There's another version that emerges that surprises even them. 

Let me just talk about myself. It was in that exact moment when I was saw my 35 year old husband's dead body lying in an impersonal corner of a dirty hospital, that something snapped inside me.

My first instinct was to shake the life out of him and scream, "Wake up, wake up", until I realised, he couldn't. He hardly looked dead to me. Not in that moment and not even the next day, when I rubbed ghee all over him and pushed him into the fire. He looked alive. So alive. His skin was shining, his face was radiant.. only his hands felt stiff and risen thanks to the rigour mortis that had kicked in.

I was hardly alive in those early months. I was dangerously flirting with the land of the dead. I couldn't let go of the love of my life whom I had met at 21, married at 27 and started a family with at 32. 

He was a good man, who was obsessed with his job. He died on the job. Infact, he was still clothed in his formal green chequered office shirt and grey pants, when I found him on the hospital stretcher.

I knew then, I had to die riding a bike or doing something much cooler than being a corporate slave! I will go out with a bang, whenever that happens, after I witness my only son married off with 100 fat babies. 

Until then, I'm here, I'm loud and I don't cry. Nah, just kidding, I howl! To think, that I had to turn into the sole bread-winner of my family is surreal. I always thought I'd have a fairy tale love story. I've read every single Mills and Boons novel in the world since I was ten years old. I've watched Beauty and the Beast 25 times as a four year old. My only ambition in life since I was 12, was to have a beach wedding, with the waves lapping on my wedding dress as I kissed the man of my dreams on the sea shore.

In real life, my late husband hated the beach and I don't see any prince charmings coming to rescue me. I am my own prince charming and my own knight in shining armour. 

There are no happy endings and there are no real love stories anywhere. My generation wants a good time over real commitment and runs away when you drop the "M" word.

So be it. I'm off to find the perfect BMW race-bike, perfect the art of riding and crash it once my son is old enough and doesn't need me anymore, so that he can light up a very stylish biker's dead body. 

Image source - https://images.app.goo.gl/bPnFYPwDD4YZ55i27

Memories

 

Memories from another day,

Fills my mind with disarray,

I question the laughter,

And everything that happened after,

Was any of it real,

The long drives behind the wheel,

The jokes that made you squeal,

Now I have to deal,

With a broken heart,

But i won't fall apart,

Instead, I'll create some art,

And force restart,

Why cry over you,

While you've already passed through,

Long ago and quite happily,

Almost like there's no heart inside your cavity.

Scattered Thoughts

 

It's been a while since I opened up my heart and just wrote. It's raining right now in Chennai and I figured, if the skies can open up and let it all out, it's time I did the same.. with my words.

Last year was all about survival and overcoming a terrible loss. This year i dedicate to living and to opening up my heart to new experiences.

I pray everyday. I visit the local temple once a month, every month and I accept people just as they are. Breathe in peace and breathe out anxiety.

The worst that had to happen, did. And I've made my peace with it. Raising a toddler, a street away from my parents is not too bad. Making my own meals every morning, is not too bad either.

Feelings are like water, you have to let it flow, or else you'll end up in the hospital, with a broken lung or two (I'm speaking just for myself of course).

I'm not sure if I'm still a grieving widow. Probably not. But I am scared, most of the time. I wonder if everyone I care about will just disappear or die abruptly. 

While my toddler has developed an extreme seperation anxiety, i have trust issues. I keep wondering what a person's true intent is. 

And I know not everyone is the same and not every situation is the same, nevertheless, my defence reflexes have gone up. I'm always ready for the worst case scenario and I'm always ready to eject myself out of a situation, however good or bad things are.

I'm trying, I'm really trying to let my guards down. I'm trying my best to be patient. Some days are filled with self doubt and anxiety and the others are filled with hope and a tiny voice in my head that says, "Just live, there's no better time than the present to throw yourself into raising a child and building a beautiful home"