Scattered Thoughts

 

It's been a while since I opened up my heart and just wrote. It's raining right now in Chennai and I figured, if the skies can open up and let it all out, it's time I did the same.. with my words.

Last year was all about survival and overcoming a terrible loss. This year i dedicate to living and to opening up my heart to new experiences.

I pray everyday. I visit the local temple once a month, every month and I accept people just as they are. Breathe in peace and breathe out anxiety.

The worst that had to happen, did. And I've made my peace with it. Raising a toddler, a street away from my parents is not too bad. Making my own meals every morning, is not too bad either.

Feelings are like water, you have to let it flow, or else you'll end up in the hospital, with a broken lung or two (I'm speaking just for myself of course).

I'm not sure if I'm still a grieving widow. Probably not. But I am scared, most of the time. I wonder if everyone I care about will just disappear or die abruptly. 

While my toddler has developed an extreme seperation anxiety, i have trust issues. I keep wondering what a person's true intent is. 

And I know not everyone is the same and not every situation is the same, nevertheless, my defence reflexes have gone up. I'm always ready for the worst case scenario and I'm always ready to eject myself out of a situation, however good or bad things are.

I'm trying, I'm really trying to let my guards down. I'm trying my best to be patient. Some days are filled with self doubt and anxiety and the others are filled with hope and a tiny voice in my head that says, "Just live, there's no better time than the present to throw yourself into raising a child and building a beautiful home"