Managing Expectations

My therapist from 5 years ago told me that as an individual I'm hyper-independent. That was my first and last therapy session honestly. Some great insights during those sessions and to some extent it helps me manage my emotions better even today.

There's childhood trauma and there's adulthood trauma. The combination of one or two of these incidents, is what makes us a functioning adult. 

I've learnt slowly and painfully over time that most people cannot be trusted. Idolising them, fantasising about them or putting them on a pedestal is simply our own doing. Therefore, it's best to not have any expectations from anyone.

Be the good person that you are and give without expectations. The right crowd will stay and the wrong ones will automatically filter themselves out from your life. No one is good or bad as people. We all have our shades of grey.

Treat each person who slips away as a lesson and reflect on what you could or could not have done better and just let it go. All you can do is try and give it your best shot. 

It's not hard to give without expectations as long as you understand well that it may or may not be reciprocated. If it's not reciprocated, simply move on. Don't feel sorry for yourself or blame them or the situation. 

I think I've definitely come a long way emotionally as a person over the years. Instead of wailing and wasting my energy crying buckets of tears, I simply move on. What else can you do? Peace of mind is important at all times as opposed to a fantasy that may or may not come true.

Most of all, time truly is the best healer. Time combined with patience works absolute wonders. In the end, everything will turn out alright. If not, to quote my favourite Shahrukh Khan dialogue, "Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost."

The Positive Force That is Shina

I've lost track of the number of blogs I've written about Shina in the past 4.5 years. She's seen my newly-widowed, depressed phase. She's seen me having self doubts and jolted me out of it. She's seen me meeting "interesting people" over the years and her slippers are already out, waiting to whack me on the head.

She has propelled me to live and laugh. She has reminded me constantly that I have a long life ahead of me and it should be lived meaningfully. 

There are no dull moments with Shina, starting with her infectious laughter to her no-nonsense attitude. Your tears will instantly dry up around her and your dark thoughts turn from existential crisis to measurable long-term goals.

For me, Shina is a force of nature. Riaan is a big fan as well. All my video and audio calls with her via Teams and WhatsApp have been intercepted by him. 

Having one Shina in your life is better than having an army of friends who blip in and out of your life. It's not like we talk everyday or hangout every weekend. But the once a month check-ins are enough to pick up from where we left off.

Movie dates, play dates and an impromptu out of station trip plan, everything happens in a jiffy with those monthly check-ins. 

Shina has empowered me personally, professionally and is not shy to say things as they are. She's the reality check that everyone needs in their life. 

Looking 20 at 40

I've had this unreasonable fantasy ever since I hit my mid 20s, that I must look 20 by the time I hit 40. The landmark birthday is 8 months away and it's safe to say, I definitely do not look 20 and I'm surprisingly not sad about it.

What my one white hair and Buddha like patience (I'm a single mum to a very verbose 7 year old, so yes I do have Buddha like patience) has taught me is that it's great to be almost 40.

I'm more confident in my skin, I take myself out on solo dates, I eat and buy whatever I want without thinking twice. Almost 40, never looked better. 

Perhaps I need to have a little more of a life beyond work and raising a child. All in due time though. There's a time for play and there's a time for work. My 70 year old parents are case in point. They're a classic example of a hardworking middle class couple, who slowly made their way up the the socio-economic ladder and now they only have time for holidays and partying.

Each time I talk about taking an early retirement with my father, he scrunches up his nose in disgust, like I'm still in the pits of poverty. I chuckle and re-assure him, that I'm his stubborn offspring afterall, so I'll do exactly what I want and not what he has envisioned for my life. 

To be almost 40 and to have parents who still say "no", for every life decision of mine, starting with my choice of hair colour, is definitely a blessing. To have people who nit-pick and nag is a gift. We must treasure it for as long as it lasts.

While I may not have Korean glass skin, instead I'm naturally gifted with a nice double-chin, thanks to my wonderful genetics, it's still safe to say, life has never looked better at almost 40.

Here's to another couple of decades of ageing gracefully. Bring on the grey-hairs and a more pronounced double-chin, I'm absolutely ready for it!

Empower Yourself

My 7 year old wants to be an electronics teacher when he grows up. I looked him straight in the face and told him, he can grow up to be absolutely anything he has wants, as long as he empowers himself.

To walk away from rooms and tables that disrespect you, is something that you have to earn. And that comes with nothing but hardwork. Put your head down and keep working. Be the best electronics teacher the world has seen.

He nodded his head and blinked at me twice with his googly eyes and said, "Okay mumma." To walk away from gossip mongers and rooms that drain you of your energy is something that must come to everyone like second skin.

Learn, upskill and keep an open mind. Progress is quiet. It's not found in rooms filled with loud music and 100 people grinding next to each other. 

The occasional noise and hysteria is perfectly fine to break some steam. However, if it's a lifestyle and you live from one party to the next, that's a problem.

You're born alone and you die alone. And when the endgame happens, ensure that you leave behind a legacy for your children and the next generation.

Inspire them so much that they feel like getting a tatoo dedicated to you, when they're lost. My late grandfather's anchor tattoo on my arm is case in point. He was a quiet man with a handful of friends. I'm so proud of the legacy he has left behind. A 10 minute conversation involving him, with any new person I meet, happens automatically. 

Lead, not follow. Inspire, don't waste your time gossiping and comparing your life to others. Each one is on their own path. Let them be and keep your focus on. 

To quote Robert Frost, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

Laryngitis Inflicted Peace

Two days since I lost my voice to laryngitis and life has never felt more peaceful. 48 hours of not uttering a single word out of my mouth. That's when you truly evolve into a good communicator. You're forced to listen and simply blink in response. 

Two days of vegetating in my parental home and I understand the restlessness of retired folks. It's peaceful yet boring. No deadlines to meet, no documents to work on and definitely no 7 year old boy to fight with. Complete and total silence, almost blissful.

I say almost blissful because how much OTT content can a human being watch in a day? After a point that becomes monotonous and dull too.

Hats off to stay at home mums, retired folks and anyone else who chooses to voluntarily stay at home. It's harder than it looks.

I can probably pull off one more day of silence and sleep, after that my fingers and brain will definitely begin to twitch again.

Strange how we feel guilty for taking a day off even when when we fall sick, it's probably the conditioning of the great Indian rat race that we've been told to keep running in, until the day we die. 

Hardly A Victim

Definitely not a victim to circumstances,

Strong my stance,

After a period of spiralling out,

It's crucial to let it all out,

Than to have those negative emotions fester,

And incessantly pester,

It's good to be a drama queen,

Let all your feelings be felt and seen,

Speak out your worst fears,

Maybe let out a few tears,

And then take charge of your life,

Get down to sorting out yet another strife,

Drown out the white noise,

Work towards the solution calmly and rejoice. 

Trust Yourself

Trust yourself,

Even if life or people make you feel like a helpless elf,

Trust yourself,

Even if the circumstances make you want to run away and vegetate on the shelf,

Trust yourself,

To overcome any challenge however big or small to resolve itself,

Trust yourself,

With all of your flaws, to withstand any storm all by yourself,

Trust yourself,

To rise up above all that white noise, showing up is a feat in itself,

Trust yourself,

To make every hard day, easy, keep your sorrows to yourself,

Trust yourself,

To resolve every hardship, as you always have, all by yourself.

The Importance of Stretching

I got ghosted by my lower back this morning, along with some other muscles that I didn't know existed. This is what happens when you pretend to be a flexible 20 year old at almost 40.

I indulged in a gorgeous hour long circuit training workout with my enthusiastic Gen-z personal trainer last morning. The more she said "good job", the more I pushed myself like wonder woman. 

Wonderful things, circuit training exercises. You feel light as a feather, almost like you're floating on a cloud for hours, at the end of the workout of course. During the routine, you'll find yourself panting like a Labrador who hasn't had enough water.

It's crazy how we take our bodies for granted and just push ourselves to try and look younger and skinnier, even if our entire system protests.

I suppose this is my mid-life crisis - to workout until I can't move. I'm definitely broken on the inside today - literally speaking. 

Never take for granted stretches post a workout and resting. Give yourself grace on the days your back hurts and maybe pop a few extra sugar-free goodies, so that your ego doens't feel so battered. 

Strange this Demon called Parenting

Strange this demon called parenting, where you want space from your little minions. And when you get that space, you wonder what they're upto. Your days are suddenly filled with no purpose, when they no longer live with you.

The free time brings both relief and loneliness. How do I explain this strange thing called parenting? You want them to find their own voice and personality and yet you fear whether you're doing enough to equip them with the right skills for them to fly away.

You want them to fly away and yet you fear what you'll do with all that free time. You want them to be carefree and wild, yet you worry whether they're keeping up with the rest of the class.

So you push them a little harder to study better and instantly feel guilty watching their tiny face filled with stress. It's a tight rope act, this journey called parenting. You can never slip-up, because tiny beings are watching you closely, following in your footsteps. 

You want them to grow up, yet your heart aches listening to their baby voices disappear along with their baby features. 

You want them to run wild in the world, yet fear what would happen if they take bad decisions. You have to let go even if you don't want to. And you have to accept that they will do and say things that don't align with you.

I think that answers my question. Acceptance and keeping an open mind is what parenting is all about. Expect them to shock you, scare you and scandalise you and all you can do is accept them and love them even harder on difficult days. Especially on the difficult days.

Rat Attack

It all began a week ago, in the middle of a busy working day. I heard the distinct pitter-pattering of tiny feet above my head. Since Chota Chetan and Chathanmar exist only in the movies, I was sure it wasn't anything supernatural. 

I shuddered concluding it's most likely a sly little rat. My doubts were confirmed this morning at 5am by the distinct scrambling of tiny footsteps right next to my bed. I quickly turned on my phone torch and saw a big fat tail sliding back into my air conditioner. 

I screamed so loudly, that another glass window on the sunken Titanic most likely shattered despite the weight of the cold ocean around it. Next, I called home and left multiple voice notes.

I couldn't sleep. The next attack was at 6am. And this time I saw it's face, the tiny predator trying to invade my home. My scream was even louder this time and I switched on all the bedroom lights and played nasty Bollywood songs on the telly, hoping to scare it away with modern  music.

The bold little thing, kept dancing over my head though, almost daring me to catch him or her. Finally, both my parents arrived by 6.30am and told me to grow up. 

Next, my father climbed up the step ladder and stuffed the hole under the a/c with some thick cardboard. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, all I could do was get to work by 7.30am with a stick in one hand and my laptop in the other. Every half an hour, I stood up and poked my a/c twice just to check if the tiny nuisance had bolted.

Finally, the a/c technician or in this case my knight in shining armour, troddled in with his big belly and disinterested facial expression. He heard me ramble for a good two minutes with a semi-yawn and proceeded to close the hole with white cement.

The exhaustion of the day finally caught up with me by 3pm and I had a good 40 minute nap. What a day and night! 

In the battle between man v/s nature, nature won today and how! That small being had me petrified for over a week. I'm hoping to not hear any more scrambling feet tonight.

Every noise at home scares me now and my Spidey senses are tingling more than ever. Never take for granted tiny holes all around your house. Unexpected guests can arrive at any minute. Keep your guard up and your throat in good order. I'm convinced my screams did half the job this morning. 

Stranger Things

Half way through the latest season of Stranger Things and it got me teary eyed for all sorts of reasons. To begin with, the kids have all grown up. And they're still trying to save the world in their unique, unintentionally hilarious way. 

Stranger Things was the only series, my late husband and I watched in competition with each other. These are probably the only children in the world, that he ever truly loved after his own son. 

I felt like a proud mother, a grieving widow and like I'd taken a capsule back in time as I binge watched episode after episode. In the midst of all that, I abruptly burst into tears and my 6 year old quickly took 5 steps back. 

"Why are you crying?", he asked, to which I replied, "This series reminds me a lot of your late father." 

"Then stop thinking about him", he replied without blinking an eyelid. Still crying, I wondered where I'd gone wrong as a parent. My Demogorgan mode of screaming and disciplining, he had made peace with. But he couldn't handle tears of love. I stared at the little robot I had created and wondered why he couldn't process grief or anything remotely complex, that was running in my mind. 

And then I realised I had never really cried in front of him until that point. In his mind, he had just moved two cities, moved to two different schools in 4 years and could no longer physically see the nice man who played with him every weekend.

He had no idea what he'd lost and in that moment all I could feel for him was more heartbreak. How could I ever make him understand marriage and love and what a father really is. 

Will could control Demogorgens now and only I witnessed it. Time and story lines keep moving cruelly forward, as if my son and my world never collapsed around us. 

While I definitely don't miss staying up beyond 10pm or eating chicken wings until midnight, I definitely do miss the man who made me do all those questionable things. 

Slave To The Grind

A slave to the grind,

And a slave to my baby's mind,

The hours fly by,

In the blink of an eye,

Take today for example, the promise of a peaceful weekend,

Yet from the crack of dawn, the chores seem to have no end,

Multiple snacks,

Each one fresh and attractive looking, that my brain has to hack,

For my picky eater,

Who talks a mile a meter,

Squeezed in a little workout and some clothes to be washed,

I'm already feeling squashed,

Is it time for my afternoon siesta yet?

This weekend it seems to be under threat,

With my hyperactive mini,

Whose unending requests are making my head giddy.

Closure

Perhaps the questions in my head towards people, life situations and work grew by the million after the abrupt passing away of my young husband. It's true that no one owes you anything. But clarity at times needs to be repeated more than once. It's just a humane way to end things. 

Try and try your very best to not give out mixed signals. Be clear in your intentions and your communication, however direct, brutal and honest. 

An old friend I recently met told me, "You were much more stupid in your 20s, than you are now. So always keep your guard up and continue to take well informed decisions". 

The thing with feeling sad now as an adult is that you can no longer bawl your guts out and eat all the icecream in the world. Instead, you bandage up and keep moving forward, pretending everything is peachy. This is right and wrong.

It's right because as an adult you have work, children, family and your own health to take care of. It's wrong because you can always feel the hurt around the corners of your brain and one day it will all blow up on your face.

Accept shitty situations and people as they are. If your questions remain unanswered, that's your answer. 

Move on and keep the faith that everything will turn out A-OK in the end because, "picture abhi baaki hai mere dost", as quoted by Om Prakash Makhija in Om Shanti Om.

Of course, I had to end with a soppy hindi movie dialogue because life is soppy and messy. Let's accept that too! 

Pancakes

Made awesome pancakes last night,

And devoured every bite,

If it's Gaajar Halwa season,

Why is it that the weighing scale goes up for no reason,

It's cruel that's it's winter,

Chennai's pleasant winter,

And we still don't get to eat,

A mountain of sweet treats,

Minus the fear of piling on the pounds,

Yet those delightful thoughts, 

Never seem to end,

Sugary delights always make my heart and mind bend,

Sugar, the white drug of this generation,

It certainly has me in a fixation,

Made awesome pancakes last night,

Perhaps I may make them every alternate night. 

Flat Abs

Flat abs are a beautiful thing to have,

But it's no fun to eat a double chocolate chip cookie in half,

Have you tried two bowls of spicy Sri Krishna Sweets chips,

And you don't need dips,

Because that flavour bomb really hits you,

As your brain tries to construe,

What Srikant Tiwari is going to do next,

In the Family Man, that will have you feeling hexed,

So perhaps I'll never lose the last 3 kilos,

Or is it 5 kilos,

I've lost track,

And the last few kilos, I just haven't been able to hack,

I accept defeat,

In the face of deep fried goodies and sugary treats,

I'll always be just a little round,

Because bowlfuls of comfort food, I'll always hound. 

Online Homework

Online homework, the biggest man-made catastrophe,

My 6 year old and I failed disastrously,

Trying to complete one that came in last afternoon,

The words on screen made him swoon,

A shaky lip,

And a twist to his baby hips,

Yet, the homework remained undone,

Repeating each letter and word 100 times together, was far from fun,

Who knew a language could perplex my boy this much,

The laptop he attempted to clutch,

Letters and words pronounced all wrong,

We kept at it for very, very long,

The first homework in his life,

That caused him so much strife,

Conquer we will, this language,

We will surely unpack this baggage,

Online homework, the biggest man-made catastrophe,

My 6 year old and I will try our best to not fail so disastrously.

My Not So Little Bean

A cross between a grandfather and a baby,

My little bean grew up in the midst of all things crazy,

Life and death,

He's seen them all in one breath,

His humour is dark,

His chatter is always on mark,

A hug can solve anything,

Is his motto for everything,

He cuddles and squishes heads with his bare hands,

His love and his anger, all grand,

There's no balance to his actions,

Once he's made up his mind, he doens't give in to distractions,

Stubborn and playful,

His emotions are as wide as his toys, that you can find in trayfuls,

A cross between a grandfather and a baby,

My little bean grew up in the midst of all things crazy.

Forgiveness

I've seen quite a bit of the world at almost 39. I've experienced strange opinions, people and situations. The commonality I draw in all three, is to forget and forgive. Life is really fragile and unexpected. One moment I was walking up a hill in Raheja Vihar, Mumbai and the next I was rushing to Bombay Hospital to bring my dead 35 year old husband's body back home.

A lot has changed in these 4 years. Cities, people and my life. I'm still kept on many people's speed dials the moment a young spouse, sibling, nephew or niece pass away. I'm that girl now, the one who is an expert on death. Not really though. You learn how to handle your grief and mood better, with time. 

In the same light, people also suddenly assume they can advice you on everything and nothing. Honestly, the only thing you can do is ignore it and walk away for your own peace of mind. I no longer cut people out, because one minute you're alive and the next you're dead. So there's no point holding onto grudges 

Stay calm in the face of unsolicited advice. Whether it's career or personal advice. You know your skills best, you know your family and close friends best. And the ones who run, were never meant to stay in the first place.

There are numerous faces that come to mind now, when I was exploding my widow brains out of proportion. And the good news is, they all chose to stay.

So that's all you can do. Be authentic, not a people pleaser. Be vocal, yet polite. And those who are triggered by you, will anyway step aside. 

Coming back to opinions now and unsolicited advice. Treat it like a fart or a stray dog barking endlessly. Take what's relevant and flush out the rest. And forgive those who natter, just for the sake of nattering. It's simply a childhood trauma or an adulthood insecurity that they are projecting onto you. Let it go and move on. 

It's time to give a Ted talk or write another book. I can feel either one of these happening now. 

The moral of this very true life story is, don't allow a trigger to trigger you, unless you're super duper triggered. And even then, take 20 steps back, take a deep breath and ponder about how this will really make a difference to your life in the first place. You'll realise nothing is truly worth it, except your own peace of mind. So safeguard it, inside an airtight vault. And you're good to go. Forever! 

Boundless Energy

Boundless his energy,

From one game to the next, he plays endlessly,

Minutes turn into hours, 

His energy keeps gaining special powers,

Endless the chatter,

You can't beat his natter,

As I recover from one crazy game,

He's already onto the next, like a growing flame,

He's happiest at home,

Or inside large play zones, where he loves to roam,

The crazy almost seven,

They say these years are heaven,

I wonder which heaven has endless games,

Loud baby chatter, mad running and boarddgames,

I'm beyond exhausted by the end of the day,

Hopefully these crazy years are not here to stay.

Toxic Positivity

Recently someone called me pessimistic and told me that I must look forward to the new year. That's the thing about toxic positively. We don't have to celebrate the shit show our life displays at times and keep taking it in our stride.

On the contrary, it's good to grieve and see the mess that it is. Acknowledge the situation, accept it and move on. When a person vents, allow him or her to vent.

It's not sensitive or appropriate, to look him or her in face and say, "Oh! But a 100 people would want to be in your shoes." Really? Who wants a dead husband at 34? Any winners? No? That's what I thought.

Of course I'm pessimistic and wary. Life has challenged me and challenged me, until the point I've wanted to give up. I wake up every morning and keep at it, not because of courage or strength. Because I simply have to. And that is that. 

So anyone who tells you to be toxically positive, the next time you vent, simply hang up or politely smile and nod. No one understands your struggles except you. 

Perhaps this is yet another lesson for me, to not vent with all and sundry. It's a waste of time and effort. It makes you feel even more misunderstood.

Peace! ☮️