The Ultimate Break-up

"Death is the ultimate break-up", said Carrie Bradshaw in the latest SATC series. Her husband died too. The love of her life for many, many years. So is she still Mrs Preston? Why had he willed 1 million dollars to his ex wife? Why does he have a picture of a dog inside his wallet? So many questions and zero answers. This was someone you knew intimately, or you thought you did. Suddenly your whole life seems like a lie. 

It's easy to say "move on", but the reality of grief is, you never do. You learn to live around the loss of your soulmate. You will never be the same again, but you can't mope around forever. That's not fair to you or the people around you.

People judge you for being happy and people judge you for being sad. So the best thing to do is, do whatever the hell you want. Go on vacations, get a job, go for an intensive cardio workout session, whatever it takes to clear the fuzz inside your brain. Everything and everybody else is white noise, because the worst thing in the world, just happened to you and no one gets that, unless they've personally had a similar loss.

Death is life changing, personality changing and just plain sad. So if you have no words of solace to offer, don't say anything. 

If my toddler who is all of three can understand that I am his Baba and Maamaa now, I expect the same from the rest of the world. And I know, I'm not asking for the moon here. 

Do More Than Just Breathe

Do you know what comes after death? Life. Unending life, filled with rollercoaster adventures and mysterious possibilities. Throw a crazy, rebellious little toddler into that mix and you have your hands, eternally full. 

I lost the love of my life to cardiac arrest on 6th December 2021. I could only introduce myself to people as "widow" and "single mom". There was nothing more to me. I was wrong. So, so wrong!

One joyful vacation later, I've learnt that tomatoes for dinner are acidic, baboons with shiny red bums are actually just waiting to mate and have babies, saffron tea outside India is hands down the best explosion of dairy and sugar on your palate. And family, however painful or naggy they get, just want you to heal. 

So I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for my child, the one I struggled to co-create with my late husband, (God bless his soul!).

But now I'm done. I'm done with the pityful stares and the "how are yous". In my dear poopie's words, "it's time to snap some bandages on and toughen up". Of course, I've substantially toned down his quote, he just had a way with swear words. He was truly gifted, with the most hideous potty mouth! It's a wonder how no one ever smacked him, even a tiny little bit. 

He still appears in my dreams, chuckling and looking happier than ever. So I don't think he's truly gone. I hear his message to me loud and clear though, "Quit moping and start hustling". I hear you poopie. I'll always hear you. 

Batman

 

Saw the new Batman movie,

You may have found it groovy,

 

You never liked superhero flicks,

Science fiction movies, gave you kicks, 

Munched on your favorite caramel popcorn,

That you loved to purchase in bulk without a forewarn,

The movie hall faced a Starbucks,

I couldn't stand the sight of it, so I waddled away like a speedy duck,

When Batman said, "I am vengeance",

I nodded along and wanted to say, "Me too. I also have dark intentions",

A man in pain,

And perennially brooding, understands my brain,

Who else but an orphan with nothing to lose,

Can understand my point of view,

I'd like to believe we are the same, Batman and I,

We live with a constant pain and have tears that have gone dry.

Dubai

Once again, you're everywhere,

In the aircraft to Dubai and the man wearing a black t-shirt, sitting on a chair,

Inside Sahara mall's food court, 

The baby began to call out to him, despite my best efforts to thwart,

Him and divert his attention elsewhere,

It's funny, how he hasn't noticed three massive photos of you, hanging just above his chair,

On my sister in law and brother's wall at home,

Perhaps, in his little heart, he didn't want you to perennially roam,

So did I,

As I sat on that 4 hour flight to Dubai,

I wondered why you spent so much time away from us, 

Catching flight after flight, without a fuss,

You looked like a dead man on Fridays,

While the baby and I spent, countless days,

Filled with loneliness and anticipation,

But we did it, without hesitation, 

For the man we both loved,

We still do, despite feeling unloved,

In the horrible moments, filled with your gaping absence,

Especially today and yesterday, where I found myself lulled into a melancholic silence, 

Each time the baby said "Look maamaa, Baba's Starbucks",

And "Look maamaa, there's Baba", no such luck,

For my poor baby and me,

Who are forever fatherless and husbandless, perhaps our pain will be the key,

To unlocking life's myriad mysteries,

Beginning with your senseless death and in answering my baby's constant inquires,

About why you left us,

In your signature style, sans a fuss. 

That’s Enough

A slip of the leg,

A sudden bout of cough and cold, despite eating an egg,

Was that you?

Do you want me to be forever blue?

Do you never want me to be at peace?

Why now, knowing fully well, I’m trying my best to put together all the pieces,

Of this conundrum called life,

You dethroned me from being a wife,

All that remains of me is being a mother,

So please don’t smother,

The decisions I take, for my son and me,

Just let us be,

That’s the least you can do,

From my point of view,

You’ve done enough damage,

You took undue advantage,

Of the blind affection the child and I,

Had for you, now you’ve left us both with tears that have gone dry,

The bitterness of your existence,

Along with the distance,

Leaves a bad taste in both our mouths,

I repeat, just let us be, we’re already tired with the bombs of truth,

That we firefight, day in and day out.

Disappointed

Just when I think I’m back on my feet,

You pull a stunt, that’s disgusting and bleak,

Did you ever have a spine?

No, you merely wanted to fall in line and align,

To the whims of your “well wishers”,

Disgusting vultures, all I want to do is rip their heads off with my bare hands and scissors, 

They mean nothing to me anymore,

They along with you, made that decision easy for me to reach and explore,

I’m free,

I should be filled with glee,

Instead, I’m filled with a rage,

That doesn’t want to go backstage,

It wants to be seen and heard,

I’m not voiceless like you, I never wanted to be part of an idiotic herd,

I hate you,

For all the decisions you took, leaving my son and I, without a clue,

Shame on you,

And good riddance to you. 

Pain

The logical side of my brain,

Has come to terms with the pain,

A huge part of me is forever broken,

And I’ll always be heartbroken,

I constantly recall conversations with you,

And try to view,

Everything from your shoes,

Speaking of shoes, I remember that milky white Lacoste pair, that endured much abuse,

With constant wear and tear,

Your sense of fashion, was as peculiar as your obsession with drinking beer, 

I’m slowly learning to live in your eternal absence, 

Earlier the absence,

Was temporary, you blamed it on your profession,

Let’s face facts now, you hated even the mildest exercise sessions, 

You paid no heed to your health,

I’m sure you didn’t run behind wealth,

You were not that person,

But as I saw you rise up the ladder, I saw you worsen,

From a polite, soft spoken man,

To a cut-throat, egotistical madman,

Your promotions scared me,

It gave you the license to flee,

From fatherhood, music and all the little things,

That truly plucked at your heart strings,

I miss you,

And your obsession with strange pairs of shoes. 

Rebirth

“He is with you”,

I haven’t heard words more inane, senseless and untrue,

No one is with you, once the soul is freed from the body,

So it’s best to maintain silence, than come across as stupidly shoddy,

I don’t want condolences,

For a man, who didn’t know how to create a life that was filled with balance,

I did love him,

And foolishly stood by all his unreasonable whims,

I digress, this is about me,

The parent who didn’t choose to flee,

I will continue to remain so,

And go with the flow,

I’m stronger today,

Than the 6th of December in Bombay,

The very thought of the city, fills me with nothing but sadness,

I’m glad I chose to walk away from that madness,

There is no need for pretences anymore,

I choose to walk away from people, whose very existence on Earth is an eyesore,

If there is a God,

He or she is with me, for I have seen this squad,

Fall flat on their face,

Each time they tried to suffocate me, in my own space,

To hell with them,

I pray they break like fragile pieces of bread crumbs,

Their egos, self righteousness and fake authority over our life,

Has perhaps costed you, your life,

Do you realise that at least now, now that you are a soul?

Or if my gut is right, you are already whole,

Back on Earth,

With a glorious re-birth,

I wish you well, 

Until we meet again, in a time and place, where I can once again be your belle,

Love you,

Even now, when the thought of you breaks me in two.