What Next?

Once the initial hysteria of death wears off, you're left with oceans and oceans of time. You begin to wonder, "What now?" For starters, you realize, convincing your toddler that you can don the role of two parents, was not such a good idea afterall. 

The pangs of loneliness really begin to hit you now. Every aeroplane that whizzes by, leaves you feeling sick, right upto the pit of your stomach. Suddenly, your parents have a much more active social life than you. 

Your toddler is still wondering, if his Baba will ever come back. Which makes you wonder, where is Baba right this very moment. Has he taken rebirth? Is he a higher all knowing soul? Has he chosen to be your guardian angel to watch over you? 

You're not interested in small talk anymore. You don't want to be anyone's shoulders to cry on, because you have tears as volumnous as the Ganges inside you, which you've just adamantly held back. 

Your entire relationship flashes in your head,  right from the courtship days to when you got married to when you held your child together, for the very first time. We had it all figured out, or we thought we did.

There is no end to sadness. There is no "moving on" from love. There is only a whole lifetime of wondering, why the person you thought you knew so well, made some very bad life choices.

I can probably walk into Starbucks today, grab a lamb taco from Clearing House and chow down an entire plate of juicy grilled chicken with roasted potatoes and pesto sauce from Mia Cucina, without feeling blue. However, the romantic fool in me, would be hoping beyond hope, to catch one tiny glimpse, of my dear poopie, sitting on one of those tables, with a glass of red wine, Americano or a freshly brewed pint of exotic beer in hand.

"I miss you", would be such an understatement. I have no answers to give our son, each time he enquires about his father. What am I supposed to tell him, each time he asks, "Will Baba come back?", "Why didn't Baba take us with him?", and "Did Baba enter stars through a door?"

Are we supposed to continue our long distance relationship? Only this time, I have no idea whether my feelings are being reciprocated because I can't see, feel or talk to my partner anymore. 

How exactly am I supposed to let go?