Six Months

Close to six months, since I've lost my husband and Riaan lost his Baba. But I wonder, have we really lost him? We can't physically see him or talk to him anymore, yes. 

However, he is the voice of reason in my head each time I feel low. He quietly guides me to turn on Badshah everytime I'm stressed and I can almost see him shaking his head in dissapproval whenever, I overeat something spicy and fall sick.

So coming back to that thought of whether I've really lost him, I don't think so. While I've accepted the reality of never being able to live with him ever again, I'm not ready to let go just yet. 

I'll always have a dull ache in my heart, each time I see our deliriously happy photographs together. I'll always be sad when I see a father walking down the road with a small child in toe. I'll always be this half person. I'll never be fully whole again. I'll always feel "scooped out", like a half eaten tub of chocolate chip icecream.

I am happy, but I am sad too. I am happy in the moments my thoughts don't wander to him and then I remind myself not to be too happy, because what if something horrible happens again?