The Physical Pain Of Bereavement

The pain of bereavement is not restricted to just the insides of your head. It travels all over your body. You feel it in the pit of your stomach, you feel the heaviness in your chest and you feel it on your lower back. It's like carrying a ton of bricks that you never wanted to hold in the first place.

Therefore therapy doesn't work. I realised this very quickly, two months into my grief to be precise. I had to bid goodbye to my very sweet lady therapist after eight weeks. Talking about it, wasn't helping. It was doing the exact opposite!

An illness I thought I had gotten rid off, came back to me with full force. That's grief. When you try and suppress it with forced laughter and piles of work, it comes back to haunt you as a painful disease. My colleague and work mentor, Shina warned me about this from the moment she saw me. I'm a living testament of her warning, "The pain needs a place to go. If you don't release it, it will eventually sit inside you and kill you".

I can't live for my child, unless I learn to live for myself. "You can't rush the process. After a year, you can't beat yourself up, asking why do I still feel so low?" adviced Mary, another work mentor, I look upto. It will take days, months and years, to feel "normal". This is my "new normal" now.

My husband's death broke my child and me. There's no undoing that damage. My child is always anxious and insecure. He keeps asking his grandparents and me, if I'll disappear at work, like his father. He expects me to not come back from work, just like his father. And he expects, that I will forget him and choose work over him, just like his father. 

I don't know how to fix my child, because I don't know how to fix myself. No team outings, no boozy sessions with colleagues and no amount of holidays can make me forget. My late husband slips into my head, sneakily and without warning. 

I thought of him when I went through an MRI machine last week. I recalled that he went through the same machine, one month before he died. I recalled walking with him and the baby at a local mall in Powai, on a Sunday afternoon, just before knocking off to sleep, two nights ago.

I'm trying my best to uproot these memories from my head, but they always come back to haunt me. These memories don't evoke joy anymore. They remind me of a life I once had and can never experience again.

I've been told to get married from the moment I've sprinkled my late husband's ashes away, into an obscure looking tank in Bombay. "Get married, you're too young", "Get married, for the child's sake", "Get married and you will be happy again" and the icing on the cake, "Did you not check your horoscope before marrying this boy? This tragedy could have been avoided then" The last remark was made by a fellow widow!

I've watched "Beauty and the Beast", more than 40 times as a child and have scoured through every last Mills and Boons novel in Madras Gymkhana Club's library. To call myself, a romantic fool would be the understatement of the decade! My relationship with my late husband was a Bollywood movie. I'll just leave it at that. 

Pain, it's completely physical. I don't know how to fix it, but I will fight it. I will stand up to it and I will push back. In the fight and the war against pain, I will always win. 

I've been cut up and heartbroken ever since my husband passed, but I've never allowed myself to feel depressed. In the first week of his passing I folded my hands across my chest and walked shakily through the hilly roads of Chandivali, wondering, "Who will protect me now?"

Close to 12 months since he died, I realise, "I, me and myself". I'm the only saviour I need, I'm beauty and the beast, I'm Rapunzel and her charming prince. I'm my own knight in shining armour.