My Make or Break Point

Everyone's life has a make-or-break point. You can choose either to be defined by that moment and remain there forever, or to move forward bravely, learning valuable lessons from the past.

I reached this point five years ago when my world collapsed. I could do nothing about it except stand and watch helplessly. In that moment, though, despite the grief, the anger, the sadness, and the sense of betrayal that I felt, I only saw my toddler's sweet, round face. 

I knew my job was to protect him from every evil in the world. I'm grateful for the fact that he was only two when his father passed, so he'll hopefully never remember me as that broken widow who woke up screaming from vivid nightmares every other day and night, or who broke down at the sight of a plate of food. 

I was half in the world of the living and mostly in the world of the dead. I wondered why God had kept me alive and what my purpose was. The pain was unbearable, both physically and mentally.

I was a shell of a person for a very long time. Nothing I did made sense. The skies looked different. I couldn't understand how people were just continuing to live, doing mundane things like eating out, working out, or bragging about a promotion. Everything seemed meaningless.

Four months into that insanity, I decided to pick up the pieces of my life and contribute my tiny skills to the world. I remember that job interview very well with a very senior HR leader, alongside my good friend and colleague of over a decade.

"Why do you want to work, Gayatri?" he asked.

I don't remember my reply in that moment. I just knew I had to get out of the house and do something with my mind and body. Months later, I thanked her for helping me land that opportunity. But, being the wonderful woman she is, she assured me that I was in that organisation because of my skills and knowledge. I don't believe her to this day, quite honestly. I know I got that job only because of her.

Over the years, my grief has taken various forms. Five years later, I can safely say I'm still heartbroken but never defeated; still cut up, but never losing hope in good people and miracles; still feeling a sense of betrayal, but trying my best to be cautious moving forward.

The immediate support system you have in the form of family, friends, and colleagues during such dark phases in life is so important. Each person has pushed me out of my grief and encouraged me to excel without looking back. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for such wonderful people in my life. You know who you are.