Beach Therapy

I've been listening to The Weekend, Poets of the Fall, Steel Panther and The Lonely Island just to keep you close. Every song weighs down heavily on my mind. It reminds me of the specific conversations and the activities we were upto as we heard each one. You compartmentalized your music, just like your life. Chill music, weekend music, drive music, slow jazz, inspirational music and work music. I'm doing the same. I've compartmentalized my life and music into, pre-poopie and post-poopie. 

Strangely, it doesn't give me any solace. Only more pain and heartache over the beautiful memories and life we shared together, one that I can never have ever again. So, I went to the beach this morning, on a whim. Drove the car straight to the water with the baby and parents in toe. The lashing waves calmed me down instantly. The baby began throwing mud all over himself and his grandfather in no time. He dug his palms into the sand, drenched himself with it, shoved some into his mouth and continued flinging it around, like he had discovered brown gold.

You would have chuckled, watching his antics. Better yet, you would've joined him. Then, I drove to Saravana Bhavan. We drank your favourite filter coffee and walloped some delicious ghee laden pongal, masala dosha and puri masala. Remember Pongal, my favourite South Indian breakfast. Therefore, your favourite. Because, happy wife means happy life. Your philosophy not mine.

The night lamp and hallway light have been flickering on and off furiously ever since I came home. Is that you? I've been getting concerned messages and calls from your friends and mine. Two of your colleagues from work (those two kids you adored) have been going on and on about how much they looked upto you, the stories you narrated to them about Riaan and me, our life together and so on. It felt good, talking to them. Yesterday of all days, I needed that reassurance from the universe that you did in fact put the baby and me ahead of yourself, in your own warped way.

I told Ritesh I want to join MMA classes, but nothing is open at the moment (because Chennai). He told me to converse with an autorickshaw driver in my broken Tamil, I'd have a live MMA workout instantly. I agreed with him wholeheartedly. We spoke about other important things as well, but this part of our conversation was my main takeaway. 

Coming back to this morning's beach therapy session; our last visit to Juhu beach made you a beach convert as well. More of Besant Nagar beach for the baby and me. It doesn't take away all the pain, but it makes us forget, at least momentarily.