School..

School.. For most people, it was the age of joy, bliss and innocence. But i was a sick kid, (no REALLY, there was no innocence whatsoever, i was a pervert then and i suppose i still am) and i had a bunch of very deranged friends. All in all, school was not my happy place. The happiest day of my school life, was when i passed out. I laughed the loudest and ate the most for my farewell, whilst everybody else were sad and gloomy.

Now after saying the afore mentioned you'd presume, I'd never go back to school. But life as they say, is weird with a capital W-E-I-R-D. I met all my 11th and 12th grade teachers today and a few others. I don't remember the conversations now, it was a blurry haze of words, summarising each other's lives of 3 whole years.

My goals and objectives in life, became more sharper and clearer after having spilt my guts out to all of them. I knew right then, I had to do something really mind-blowing in the next 1 year, namely : Be Barkha Dutt version 2.0

Although i hated school and everything about it, with every last nerve in my body, today was the best day ever. I feel so content and at peace.

The cute hairdresser boy..

A man who goes clip clip clip with scissors to cut hair. Nothing can get hotter than THAT. For a beauty parlour to do good sales, all they'd have to do is employee ONE very cute hairdresser boy who talks smooth, looks like your next boyfriend and has the most piercing gaze. *sigh* I think I'm in love.

What started out as a very boring day (a trip to the doctor, a trip to the nearest diagnostic center) ended with a trip to the beauty parlour. I don't generally get too excited about beauty parlour trips, but this morning, I could smell something in the air, woman's intuition told me that good karma was in the air and i was in for something exciting.

Mum wanted to give her hair a trim, i didn't protest, i just nodded along absently to the words coming out of her mouth. We parked the car on the street, walked down the street to the beauty parlour block, climbed up the stairs, reached the foamy glass door of the parlour, opened it and VOILA, our eyes met. He was a Greek God.

He was not too tall, not too short, just the height i liked, he donned a small diamond stud on his ear, had a smart pair of jeans on, very nice sneakers and a smart shirt. And he was cute. Not the boy next door type cute, but the OH MY GOD i think I just died and went straight up to heaven type cute.

I decided very impulsively to get a pedicure, partly because i care about my legs, they're legs after all, we need to take care of them, and mostly because i wanted cute thing to see my gorgeous legs. *evil grin*

Mum took her seat and the man began to clip her hair. I envied mum for the very first time in my life, i wished i was sitting on that seat and his fingers were running through my hair. I couldn't take my eyes off him, he was a complete professional, very focused, very dedicated, he had on a very serious expression whilst chopping mum's tresses. And at the end of it he advised her on the hair products to use and how to comb her hair. I was blown away. This man knew hair care like the back of his hand. I fell a little more in love with him now.

He finished off faster than my pedicure lady, which gave us some time to discreetly look at each other and then pretend we're not looking at each other. I wished he'd drop a note off with his number on it while walking past me. No such luck though.

Rest assured, i shall be a very regular customer. Pedicures say hello to your newest friend.

My Ammumma and Appuppa..

The title of this post is the very first Malayalam words i have ever used on this blog, which stands for, "My Grandmother and Grandfather"

When i was 3 years old, i got a very severe attack of Bronchial Asthma. My dad was posted in Calcutta then. Each trip to the hospital was hoped to be the last, but the Asthma kept getting worse, i don't remember much about the disease, except being injected with needles in both hands all through the day, with tubes all over my body and running around in the hospital hall and playing with the other kids there, until the Doctor came on his rounds. Then we all had to be "Good children" and lie on our beds for the next 5 minutes.

After being hospitalised for a month,with no sign of recovery, the only solution, was to take me to a less polluted city. And so, Trivandrum became my home for the next 6 years. I stayed along with my Ammu and Appu.

Ammu and Appu had a nice big house with hens and dogs and a huge compound with trees. 3 year old me was in heaven. And it goes without saying, i was spoilt rotten.

My Ammu has six siblings in total and my Appu had three. All of them came home everyday of every week armed with toys and chocolates. I titled myself "Princess Hemagiri" and bossed over all the grown-ups. (Hemagiri is the name of Ammu and Appu's house by the way)

Taking me to school everyday was my Appu's job. I used to cry all the way from home till the front gate of the school, then dragged Appu along with me to my classroom, gripping his fingers with one hand and stuffing a handkerchief inside my mouth with the other hand.

Every Friday, Appu did a pooja for me at a Ganesha temple, the Prashad was some sweetened bananas, which i ate like a pig, without sharing with anyone, not even Appu.

Saturdays was Rasna day. Appu used to mix the Rasna powder along with the water concentrate in a huge steel vessel. Next he poured it into glass bottles and stored them all away in the "meatsafe" (a cupboard with loads of junk food). Next me and him drank a glass each of Rasna, with very little water and loads of the Rasna. Highly concentrated sugar syrup, in other words.

Sunday was Fun-Day in Appu land. His definition of a peg of alcohol was very warped. He had one huge elephant sized glass, which he never washed and he gluged 2 pegs (4 pegs considering the size of the glass) along with sweetened peanuts, fried peanuts, roasted peanuts and various varieties of the peanut possibly invented by mankind.

Ammu was in charge of feeding, dressing, making me do home work, taking me to temples etc. And each ritual had to be done keeping in mind various factors. For example, my hair had to be standing on my head like a rocket-spider, the pony must come in the middle of my head (resembling a rocket) and spread out around my head (resembling the legs of a spider). Breakfast had to be fed to me ONLY after wearing my tie and not before wearing my socks.

And as for the temples, i lost track of how many i went to with Ammu. Even now in fact, when i go to some of the temples in Kerala, the poojaris look at me, smile and ask "Indira ammede kochu molle alle?" which means are'nt you Mrs Indira's granddaughter?

I slept between Ammu and Appu till i was 10 years old. It was my job to switch off the lights and cover them both with bedsheets.

To make a long story short, Ammu and Appu became my everything. So, when Dad got posted to Chennai and it was decided that I'd come and live with Mom and Dad, my world came crashing around me. I couldn't leave my Hemagiri and everything inside it. I begged mum and dad to just leave me alone and go away. But, every child has to live with her parents eventually, so i was introduced to the city of Chennai and the Cooum River.

As the years flew by, i remembered less and less of Malayalam, the city of Trivandrum and i began missing my Ammu and Appu lesser and lesser.

The yearly trips to Trivandrum during X-Mas hols and summer vacation was always done with a hope of coming back to my adopted home-town as soon as possible.

My Appu passed away when i was in the 11th standard. It came as a shock to the entire family because he was only 77, walked everyday, drove around in his Maruti 800 and brought groceries and fish for the house, managed all the finances and the plumbing, fed the dogs and the fishes everyday, tinkered around with the pump attached to the well.. It was not his time, it was just NOT his time. My faith in God went down completely, I became an Atheist, refusing to even look at the prayer room in the house.

I had dreams of Appu very often and i heard his voice calling out my name. Either i didn't want to let him go, or he was still around. I want to believe he was still around, trying to console me.

Ammu now, had to live all alone in that big house. And i felt guilty because i didn't want to live in Trivandrum anymore, i wanted to keep my Ammu company but i just couldn't.

2 hours ago i called Ammu and spoke to her. After hanging up, i cried for 45 minutes, because she sounded very weak.

I wonder whether I'm leading a selfish life, i wonder if i should go back to my roots and look after the things and the individuals who were instrumental for my being here today.

High On You..

There are some who walk into our lives and stay for an eternity,

There are others who walk in and walk out faster than a lightening strikes the face of the earth,

Then I met the third kind..

And you know, I’m such a fool for you,
You got me wrapped around your little finger
But I choose not to say a word, I choose the path of silence..

Stay a while Angel boy, you could stay a while
And lets shake things up,
Come again and tell me what you’re going through..

Sit up straight and look at me
Leave some crazy memories behind..

In you, I see a new life again
You’ve opened my eyes to something unknown and exciting..

This is the way I want to be with you,
I don’t want to hide away..

I want to bask in your light for a while,
You’re the rainbow in my ocean of clogged thoughts..

Children..

I've never liked them. Leaving out the tiny outfits and the cute slippers, whats the high? I'm sure i hated myself when i was a kid. They bite, scratch, throw up, say mean things and they always manage to get their way.

But this morning, something happened. I was in the kitchen making some toast, when the auntie next door waved hello and we struck up a conversation. A few seconds later, i heard the little monster's anklets and desperate squeals of "Akka Akka". Auntie immediately lifted the thing up and put it on the kitchen counter. I looked into that small face and i saw pure undiluted joy. I'd never seen someone looking more happier on seeing me. She was gurgling incoherently as usual, while auntie translated everything for me. A 10 minute nonsense conversation and a flying kiss later, i was back to attending to my toast, which was now burnt.

What is the point of this post you wonder, why am i rambling on and on about a child and burnt toast. The point is this : Kids are genuine, honest and in your face. So, when it comes to kids, trust them blindly and shove your head up in the clouds, because they accept you for who you are and they will never hurt you to the point of insanity.

What is life..?

Swimming in a mini ocean womb for 9 months, finally seeing the light of day at the end of the 9th month, screaming your guts out because you're in shame shame puppy shame outfit and the whole world is ogling at you.. Is that life?

Growing up, being bullied by siblings, screaming for attention, getting things done by biting and scratching the nearest arm or leg, being the youngest kid and naturally a spoilt brat of a loud crazy family.. Is that life?

Going to school, making fling friends, real friends, best friends, true friends, fake friends, close friends and finally loosing touch with all of them unknowingly.. Is that life?

The half child, half adult college goer who has the time of her life, given all the freedom in the world, painting the town red and then realizing she has to loose weight and throws herself into the cause whereby falling sick every 3rd month and looking more and more like Dracula's kid sister (because of the pale whitish face, all thanks to anemia).. Is that life?

Again i ask you.. What is life and are we living it the right way?

Ritu-ness..

Ritu. I didn't give the name or the person a second thought in the 1st semester of college. She was a pesky kid with glasses and way too many teeth. She was always butting into our scheme of action and ruining our well laid out ideas. She cried too much and spoke funny. She wasn't exactly one of my favourite people.

And then something happened. Female bonding. Ritu was no longer the pesky soda putti girl, she became close friend, confidante and source of all craziness to our somewhat sober group. She rubbed off the madness and now we can't do without her. Days without Ritu are boring, dull and monotonous.

So, when i saw Ritu walking in today after a zillion days (she had taken study leave to prepare for CAT) i sprung up like the famous cuckoo in the cuckoo clock, screeched Riiiiiitttuuuuuuuuuu and gave her a HUGE spot jogging falling on her like a sack of potatoes hug. And i wouldn't have let her go, if not for my friend Megha's breathless gasps. We had managed to flatten Megha's nose in the process of potato hug.

The rest of the day was a blur of activity, with everyone vying for Ritu's attention. And i spilt my guts out as well, telling her about the boy who has been running around in my brain like a chimpanzee for the past zillion weeks and we did a detailed analysis of his zodiac sign, dissecting every possible aspect of this new development, whether it has a future or whether I'm being stupid and wasting my time.

We bunked the last hour, walking out like soldiers on a mission with Megha and Vani on the lead. Meghs looked very confident and declared to the watchman, that college was done for the day whilst Ritu and i tried our best to suppress squeals of laughter, because we're lousy liers. We ran out quickly before the man could put two and two together.

5 minutes later we were seated at the brand new ice cream parlour which opened out nearby, walloped tiny blow up your nose proportions of fancy ice cream for which we payed through our noses.. again.

Finally it was time to say bye all over again to Ritu for 5 whole days. I gave her another signature G-Hug, wished her luck and walked away with Meghs.

God, Ritu and certain 'boy' have one common underlying thread. They work in mysterious ways, leaving behind them a trail of happy faces, light hearts and lifted spirits.

Kaakha Kaakha..

I could'nt pronounce the title properly back in 2003, when it was first released and folks made fun of me, asking me why i was squaking like a crow, and now if i dont hear a person pronouncing the title correctly with stresses at all the right places, i'll either pinch them or make them repeat after me 15 times or more.

I love this movie would be an understatement. I'm obssessed with this movie. I've seen it more than 55 times, by hearted all the dialouges and scenes part by part and i get so involved in the movie, its not a pretty sight. I scream and yell along with the 4 cops each time they beat the shit out of a rapist/pervert/kidnapper bad guy.

The very last scene where Anbuchelvan stabs Pandiya with a knife a few million times, with flashes of all his loved ones battered and bruised running through his head was the most intense of all the scenes. Surya is an absolutely brilliant actor and i dont think anyone else could've done justice to the role of ACP Anbuchelvan.

Kaakha Kaakha is THE BEST cop movie ever made in the history of Tamil cinema, or maybe Indian cinema for that matter.

What women want..

This is my 100th post, and i thought the best way to celebrate it would be to spill some deep dark secrets of womankind. So listen up gentlemen, keep your eyes on focus and your writing pads ready. Or you can just read this post a few 100 times and memorise the following.

1. No woman gets up every morning from her bed thinking, "I wish i DON'T get swept off my feet today. I wish i DON'T meet Mr. Right"

2. When a woman says, "I'm really focused on my career right now, i don't have time for a relationship" what she's really saying is try harder stupid or yea sure we can go out sometime, sometime called never and a place called never land.

3. Women never make the first move. This depends from woman to woman. Personally, I'd NEVER make the first move. I prefer leaving strong hints, which clearly screams out, "I like you, you dumbass, so ask me out already"

4. Women love listeners. We love talking. So when we talk, LISTEN to what we're saying. Don't look at our lips, don't look at our gorgeous assets. (I meant the amazing hair, you pervert!) So at the end of our HUGE monologue, when its your turn to talk, we'd appreciate it, if you could say something other than, "i love your lips."

5. This overlaps with point number 4. Make intelligent conversation. This is a HUGE turn on.

6. Appreciate women. Treat us like goddesses. Showering us with expensive gifts is not counted. Spending time with us, giving us a little bit of attention, say 10 minutes, would be more than enough. But the entire 10 minutes must be spent with the woman in question wholeheartedly and with enthusiasm.

7. When you say things, anything at all, really MEAN it, otherwise don't say it altogether.

8. Chocolates and flowers work. ALWAYS. Especially when she's angry and wants to grill you over a hot oven.

Go Getters..

Go Getters is the name of my production, which was screened today along with 46 other individual documentaries and docu-dramas. We had an external examiner from the Film Institute and all our confidence levels were zilch. We had absolutely NO faith in our documentaries and we were all nervous as hell.

Finally my chance arrived and the hot seat was mine for the next 30 minutes. The lights went off, Venus Productions, with my editing sir's meticulously crafted 3Ds Max Logo flashed on screen with some killer background music. The name of the show Go Getters flashed on the big screen, next the shot of a colorful palette with colours getting mixed flashed on, the next shot was of groups and groups of chirpy women, with my Voice Over (which actually sounded damn sexy.. whew). *evil grin*

At the end of the documentary my Voice Over went like so; "Thank you god, thank you for making me a woman". Killer background music again, and i heard clapping. Loud enthusiastic clapping. That moment was absolutely priceless. All my nervousness went down the gutter.

The audience actually LIKED my documentary. I felt myself swelling up with pride and i realized that, I'm officially an amateur movie-maker types person.

All the days of running around, getting permission for locations and getting my script approved from my horrible adamant stubborn professor was all completely worth it just for that one single moment. The VIVA was a complete cake walk after that. I chatted up the man for 10 minutes, left him smiling and amused. There was one question which he asked though, that left me quite surprised. He asked me what i wanted to do, what my dream was. And without a hesitation or a second thought, i said i wanted to be a writer. It was a reflective, impulsive answer.

Thinking back about it, i wonder whether i really should take up writing as a career option or movie making or just become a space cowgirl and hee haw around with a horse in outer space. Confusing world. Too many decisions, too many options. Sigh.

Back to the documentary making though, its the MOST satisfying thing in the world. Try it sometime. Good fun. Loads of hard work. But REAL out and out fun. :)

Second chances..

Movie : Hitch
Scene : The night after Albert and Allegra's first date, the conversation between Hitch and Albert

H : She's probably thinking about you and her as an item, but she wont let you in on it.
A : Oh, so its not a big deal then
H : It's a VERY big deal Albert!! One kiss, one dance, one date, that's all we get from being "oh some guy i did something with" to a happily ever after ending.

I feel like Albert now. In the words of Chris "I yam yinnocent", but I'm also very stupid. I think Ive blown my one chance, and now I'll never know what could have happened between us.

One stupid crazy impulsive goof up, and poof he's gone. Why do we get only ONE chance? It's not fair.

When i think about the conversation i had with him not too long back which went in the lines of,
Him : I'm very fond of you, we're excellent friends now. So lets thread this path carefully. If i let anyone get to that very last circle and she breaks my heart, ill be shattered

To that right there, I should have said. "I'm scared too. But THIS right here is OUR time. This is OUR chance, lets take it! I like you, I like you a LOT, and i promise i will not let you down"

*looks up at God* Give me another chance sir. I think i deserve it.

The shriek of a woman..

Picture this : An exam hall. 40 odd women scribbling away. You can hear a dragonfly farting if you listen closely.

A shrill shriek pierces through the air. It drills a mini well in your eardrum. You drop your pen and look around you. Mayhem would be an understatement. Women jumping on top of their benches. Some just running helter skelter.

The examiner walks up to the shrieker and asks her what the deal is. "Ma'am, Spider" she retorts.

All that for a spider? Really? Snap out of it woman!! Think Spider man. Think superpowers. You JUST might have gotten lucky. JUST!!

Rain Gods and Exam Highs..

The rain gods have found a new victim.. ME.

Day 1
Light drizzle. I run out to get the clothes stand in, thankfully it stops. So the stand remains untouched.


Day 2
Light drizzle. I run out to get the clothes stand in. It begins to pour, torrentially. My steps quicken, i drag in the clothes as fast as my fingers allow me to. I heave in relief when every piece of clothing is indoors. I look outside and the rain has stopped.


Day 3, Today
I drive to college for my end semester exams. It begins to pour. So i pull over on the side of the road, take out embarrassing Winnie and throw him on. The minute i begin to ride again, the rain stops.

Message to Rain gods : Go pick on someone your size. Hrmph.

On to Exam highs. Exam highs are the state of not knowing jack shit or bullshit about what the subject is, but still having the balls to stand outside the exam hall and giggle like fools and comment on how much weight has been lost by person A, person B and person ME *yaay yaay*. After the examiner walks in, continue grinning like a fool.

By the time the question paper comes to you, you're so overjoyed just to be back in college after so many days that you forget the seriousness of the paper. You forget that THIS is your end semester paper and could potentially bite you in the ass, if you don't do well.

After 3 hours of scribbling, you walk outside to be greeted by your friend who asks "What the fuck is wrong with you? Wipe that silly grin off your face. This paper was horrible"

You continue grinning, hug a few more friends who you've missed like crazy during the excruciatingly boring study holidays and walk away.

Whats this life for, if not for exams highs and rain gods who have field days making our lives miserable. Suck it up and continue grinning, because grinning is A-Okay. *grin grin* :D

Elizabethtown..

A shoe designer, whose business is down in the dumps. He's going through a huge financial crisis, the world is laughing their ass off at his expense and to add fuel to the fire, his dad kicks the bucket. As the only son, he must travel to their small hometown of Elizabethtown, Kentucky to attend his father's memorial. On the flight to Kentucky, he meets a flight attendant.

Now this lady is downright out of her mind, she's 100% MAD, and I could absolutely relate to that. She falls in love with this man and somehow helps him get through the rough patch he is going through.

To find love in the most strangest of places, and with the most unexpected of people, now THAT is truly a miracle.

The whole father-son relationship and strangers falling in love thing was shown so beautifully in this flick. I did tear a little every now and then of course.

Bottom Line : Its a must watch flick for all the hopeless romantics.

Chak De India..

Why the hell are we promoting stupid cricket, (which by the way was a game brought by our Ex rulers, the Brits, its NOT even our game for Christ's sake) when we actually should be promoting and supporting our national sport - Hockey.

Number 2 : I'm a stupid fool. I'm wasting away my life orkutting, blogging, gymming, going to college, watching 3 movies a day and lots of other arbit random crap, while i really should be doing something. I'm 20, with an able body, a strong will (and i look decent, but that doesn't really matter) and a determination that can get me whatever i want, no matter what pains i have to go through to get it.

I'm really pumped up right now. The movie high is so high, i cant control it. My thoughts are going overboard. Every human being alive irrespective of age, sex, gender,castes, whatever whatever have to, HAVE TO watch this movie.

Something has snapped so hard inside me, i cant explain it, but i want to do something, i have dreams, i want to get them before someone else does.

There is a purpose of my existence on this planet and i WILL NOT stop until i find out what that purpose is and i will not let anything get in my way. So help me God and help me Mr. Universe, I'm a woman on a mission.

I love it when you do, what you do..

Awesomeness. That's him. *grin grin* I barely know him, but Ive written posts about him long before i actually spoke to him and after i spoke to him, it was just posts galore.

Some people are ONE in a MILLION. And he is ONE in a ZILLION. All he has to do is talk. His voice transports me on to a time and place far far away. And long after he's hung up on me, his voice and his words linger in my brain.

I did something yesterday. I hadn't spoken to him in three days so i send him a very pissed off yet sad sounding message.

Me : Yknow what THIS is ridiculous. You're just being silly and mean.
Him : My exams for this week are over, and they all bombed big time. Why do you get worked up so easily woman?!
Me : I'm not worked up, i just don't like the idea of not talking to you. One day is cool, two days are cool, but i WILL snap on the third day. I'm like this only. You can run now, if you want to, ill understand.
Him : No running needed. I'm cool with that. Call me today.
Me : Oh okie. I will.

And the rest of the day was a blurry haze of yaay, i get to talk to him today after 3 whole days, i kept looking at the clock, willing for time to run faster.

Finally at around 11 pm he called.

Me : Oh its you, i thought you wouldn't call.
Him : Whats the big idea about sending me these kind of messages. Huh huh huh?
Me : Well, you didn't talk to me for 72 hours!
Him : I don't talk to my mom for more than 72 hours
Me : Huh? Your mom
Him : Yes, mom. The lady who gave birth to me.

(By the way, the huh huh huh bit melted me a little, they sounded so sexy coming out of his mouth *sigh*)

And the rest of the convo was as usual arbit and random. But after we hung up, i was on cloud 9 all over again. What is it with this guy? How can a random stranger do this to me? I'm sooo _____ about him. Fill in the gap, because i don't know myself.

But, i LOVE this feeling, whatever it is. *jumps up and down like a jack rabbit* :D

Hitch..

I am the BIGGEST fan of this movie. It has dealt with the concept of falling in love in such a comical yet a somewhat realistic angle. Right from the first dialogue of the movie till the last is an absolute treat for the ears. They're witty, smart, humorous and full of oomph.

I have seen this movie more than a million times, and i have NEVER ever got bored of watching it. And every single time i watch it, i get completely involved with the characters, just like i did, the very first time i saw it, which was in the year 2005 at Mayajaal. I feel their pain, i feel their loss, and i feel their love, their joys. I don't feel like a third person whilst watching this flick. Yes yes, i know, that is the case with most movies we watch anyway. BUT, this one's different.

At the end of the 118 minutes, i always ALWAYS wish that there REALLY was a Date Doctor. Sigh.

When you like someone, and you just KNOW that he is going to be the ONE, but you cant really do shit about it, that feeling right there, that feeling of absolute helplessness... Now that's life. You cant always have what you want.

*munches on chocolate for comfort and 2 minute feeling of unnatural elation*

The Mayfly..

I really love this Vodafone Ad. The creativity and the imagination that went into making it. The voice over in the background, i hang on to every word he says. His voice itself by the way ; strong, determined, sexy, throaty. Overall very trippy advertisement. I rate it a 9/10.

Each time i feel a little low, or am on the verge of tears, i just watch this advertisement and all my blues sort of melt away. The last line is the most catchiest, if we embrace life, like the Mayfly, just think what a life that would be. And i nod along with it, i tear a little and i solemnly make an oath to myself to just take a chill pill and not take things too seriously.

And yep, here's the link to the Ad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvC_KHU4AqE

Enjoy watching it. :)

Boxing..

I felt like Hilary Swank today, from The Next Karate Kid. I had hit gym after 3 whole days. So my stamina was down. I could gym only for 1 hour, ran only for 10 minutes and i didn't have the energy to lift weights. But still, that 1 hour workout, was a killer workout.

I could feel the blood flowing through every vein in my body with enthusiasm and speed. My hands kept balling up into fists each time a random ogler drooled. It was a trippy feeling. I was angry, focused, happy and full of energy.

I drove like a maniac today, almost killed 2-3 fellow bikes and some stupid pedestrians who have no road sense. More on the pedestrians, these people really deserve to die!! Why cant they just look to the left and the right of the road before they decide to run across. And just when they see a biker why do they have to run across? Do they get some evil satisfaction by doing dumb ass things like that? Today i was merciless. I purposely went close to a few pedestrians just to shake them up a little. They yelled abuses, i yelled back even worse abuses.

I reached back home in one piece, and i could think only of Mr. Miyagi and his wax on, wax off drill. All i wanted to do was punch something real hard for 20 mins just to break some steam.

And thanks to dad, i did wax on, wax off in the kitchen, courtesy the mess he had left behind in his morning rush.

But seriously, i would make a decent boxer if i tried. Maybe i should give it a whirl. I don't think i will be this fit ever again in my entire life. So why not make the most of right now. Besides, there are a few jaws i want to break, so the boxing would definitely come in handy.

Some obvious truths of life..

Some obvious in your face truths of life, which we refuse to see, which we deny, which we want to believe does not exist.

1. If things are meant to happen, they will. Simple. You cant force it, you cant accelerate or decelerate the force at which it happens or does not happen.

2. If things don't happen the way you pictured them to be in your head, then just forget it and move on. There is no point staying stuck at that one point, because that would be a complete waste of your time and energy. Besides, there must be something much better out there for you. So thank the good lord that it DID NT happen.

3. All men are pigs. Not figuratively, but literally. They have no sense of hygiene. They mess up sparkling clean kitchens, sparkling clean table tops and they don't realise the whirlwind of muck they've left behind. Women are god's gifts to men, because we clean up after them. We ensure they don't catch any diseases, because we provide them with a clean environment.

4. All women have mood swings, and i blame it on the "curse of womanhood". Why god why, did you give it to us for those few days every month. Dammit. Grr.

5. Every dog has his day. We're good people, and eventually good things will happen to us. So, maybe we have to wade through a lot of bull shit and horse shit, but at the end of that shitty journey, we WILL get exactly what we wanted our whole life. And at point in our life, we will smile to ourselves, look back at our past mistakes/immaturity, look up at the sky, smirk at God and whisper "YOU dog you"

3DS Max..

I have had the most gruelling 48 hours of my life, i have been completely mind fucked, tensed and worried to death. All thanks to this screw all software called 3DS Max which refused to get installed from two friend's CDS AND a whole night of download.

And to top it all, i had a BIG submission due today on 3DS. 80% of my work was complete. I just had to render my environments. And I'd heard horror stories of rendering from the gang and classmates. Apparently, rendering took 3-4 hours and in some cases, as long as 16 whole hours!!

And to top all this, mommy had left for Trivandrum yesterday. So coming back home to a mommy less house, was very depressing. The life source of the house had been sucked out. The walls looked accusingly at dad and me, asking us where their bosswoman was.

Sleeping peacefully at night was out of the question. I just kept tossing and turning. So, i called my agony aunt and spilled my guts out to her at 12am. We chatted up till 2, about why we had such a lousy animation teacher, the nauseatingly talented anime geniuses in class and the BIG submission.

Call me a nerd now, because i think I'm the only human being on the face of the planet who has had a sleepless night over an almost done submission. I got up in the morning with the first ring of my phone's alarm, rushed to college, blocked two computers and kept rendering my environments.

Finally, i was one of the first few in class to submit the BIG assignment. I handed over the CD and walked out. For the first few seconds there was a feeling of pure undiluted peace and relaxation. A bottle of overly sweetened lime juice and some friendly banter later, i was in my zone again. Crazy "i have to finish my submission right NOW or my head will explode me" had officially left the building.

And right now, sitting at home, in front of my PC and typing this post, that crazy tensed, anxious feeling is back. And i have no clue why. My head feels all knotted up. This right here, this feeling is a hangover. And ladies and gentlemen, alcohol didnt play a role. Mind fucked. Repeat after me, mind fucked. I need to catch a shrink, and soon. I'm going crazy.

Working Title : It's a small world..

It's a small world.. soon to be made into a major motion picture. Watch out for it at the cinemas near you.

During our 1st hour of college today, our Media Aesthetics m'aam gave us a little assignment. We had to split ourselves up into small groups and conceive a movie, keeping in mind all the aesthetic elements employed in movie making. She wanted us to describe an important 10 minute scene in the movie.

So, we brainstormed over it. We all agreed on keeping it on the theme of friends. And finally Ms Ritu's analytical brain churned out this:

4 boys, 12th graders. One of them dies. So the other 3 go for his funeral. Whilst sitting around the dead body of their friend, they reminisce and recall their days filled with laughter and fun. Finally they all get up, they don't cry, they don't talk to each other. They just bade farewell to each other in silence.

The house of the dead friend has a 3 way path. Boy A takes a path filled with orange flowers and he has a determined look on his face. He glances at the poster of a war movie and continues walking on. This boy, grows up to become an army officer.

Boy B takes a path filled with white flowers, and as he walks down this path, he sees a wounded bird and rushes to its aid. This boy, grows up to become a Doctor.

Boy C takes a path filled with blue flowers, he's a nerd. He wears glasses. This one, grows up to become a computer genius. Someone who can crack codes and can access forbidden websites and do super duper computer related stuff in general.

The 3 of them meet again, in later years, when they're much older. And they save India.

The above was our group's movie. There were 7 other groups in class, who narrated their movies as well. And at the end of this assignment, our teacher told us that this was a competition and that our group had won. And she said that because of "budget constraints" our prize was nothing hi 5. Saying this, she called the 6 of us to the front of the class and gave us a black sketch pen each, and she said that our movie could ACTUALLY be made.

Now I'm not sure where we'd all land up after we pass out of college. But i sure as hell, want to see "It's a small world" being made. I have never felt more strongly about a cause before. Pray for us movie lovers, keep your fingers crossed.

The winds of change..

I can feel the winds of change whipping strongly, and i know i have to give in. Although I'm lost, disoriented and a little hurt, i know this change is for the good. My life has changed. Its taken a completely different track and i just HAVE TO chug along.

On the personal front, the lad who meant the world to me is obviously bullshitting with me. And Ive cried over it for too long now. I want these wounds to heal, I don't want to bleed anymore. I want to be carefree and happy like the 3 year old child who lives next door.

On the soon to be professional front, my war journalism dreams have been tossed into the gutter. Technical writing is my bird in hand now. And i quote in the words of a wise man, (who i spoke with almost all night yesterday *grin grin*), CTS is your chicken , and you ought to like your chicken dead and deep-fried if that don't work , tandoor it, else make some chettinad out of it.

Life sure is weird. One minute, you're on path A and before you know it, you're thrown on to path B. One minute, someone means the world to you, and you curse the world and god and everything else involved in the love game when things don't go right. The next a complete stranger brightens your mood and there you are waking up early, hitting the gym, wondering when to call this new lad and say You rock man, i salute you.

Trainers.. Enna koduma idhu saravanan..

I saw Fido today, or his real life flesh and blood look-alike. He had a triangular face, toothpick like arms and legs, with very sad dopey looking eyes and he was cute, in a very malnutritioned feed me something right now kind of way.

He walked on the thread mill, for about 15 minutes and then vanished into the weight lifting room. I followed suit, after my 1st round of cardio was done. I walked in to see Fido struggling to lift 5 kg dumbbells, which he had grasped with both hands. The next 20 minutes was spent doing my weight sets AND listening to Fido moaning with pain every 2 seconds. The trainer was merciless as always, pushing him to do more and more sets.

Now Fido's arms, were the size of my wrists. And he was lifting the exact same weights that i was lifting, 2 kgs more to be absolutely accurate. His "Oh god" cries were quite pathetic, I had a very strong urge to throw my dumbbells on his trainer's head and scream at him for breaking the boy's arms.

What is the deal with these trainers anyway? Just because they're puffed up and look like Arny wannabes, does NOT give them the right to push cute skinny boys. Sheesh.

Message to cute skinny boys : DONT listen to your trainers. Be a man. Use your head. Just stay the way you are,work on what you already have. Carry yourself well. Walk tall. There is NO need for you to get all puffed up and look like hot air balloons.

The stud boy..

I met him last year, in the most weirdest of ways and we became good friends almost instantly. He was Kurt Cobain version 2.0.. kickass guitarist, aerosmith beads around his neck 24/7 and an "i don't give a shit" attitude. This boy, had no time for women. All he cared about was his music and his gang of friends. I liked that. I liked the fact that he was, such a carefree person, without a care in the world.

Sometimes i wondered how it would've been to be like him. To have not fallen in love, to have not cried over it a million times over, to live just for yourself and no one else. I envied him. I wished i could be like that.

But when i spoke to him today, he was down in the dumps. Cupid had struck him at last. I tried consoling him. And he told me things, which I'd never known. He told me that he'd been through a broken heart before as well, and that's how he'd become Kurt 2.0 To the outside world he was stud boy, but that was merely a facade.

That's when it hit me. Love, the beginning and the end of everything good and everything bad. Don't screw with us Mr. Love for we're good people. We deserve better than this. Bring us peace, joy and happiness. Isn't that what you're supposed to do anyway?

Fainting spell..

There's a first for everything, as the saying goes. And today was my very first fainting spell. I blacked out for the very first time in my 20 years of existance.

It was a pretty cool fainting stint. Although i wish the location was someplace more elegant, someplace more exciting. I blacked out inside my bathroom, sadly.

I woke up today at 5.45 am, got up to wash my face, turned around to grab a towel, thats when it hit me. My feet felt like jelly, my head was beginning to spin, i felt very sleepy and relaxed, i could see a black patch. And then i felt a sharp jab on my skull. The black patch dissappeared and it was replaced by the ceiling of my bathroom. My whole life flashed before my eyes, the happy times, and the sad times. And before i knew it, i started howling like a dog. I was wallowing in self pity, because i couldnt get up. I hoped someone would hear my wailing and give me a lift up. No such luck though.

So i lay there for another 5 minutes crying, for no reason. Yes, i cry a lot. Give me a chance and i bet all the dry lakes in chennai could be filled up with my tears.

Anyways, i finally got up. Looked at my hair and eyebrows in the mirror, because they bring me great joy, its the only thing about me, which ive been proud about pre weight loss and post weight loss.

Stumbled on bed again and slept off.

Moral of the story : Fainting spells suck ladies and gentlemen. Starvation and working out like a maniac in the gym doesnt really go a long way in staying healthy. The road to skinnydom comes with a HUGE cost.

My BESTESTEST friends..

This is going to be a very difficult post for me, because whatever i say about these amazing bunch of ladies, would be saying too less. My college going cousins repeatedly told me, on some "school fraainships gone wrong" stories of mine, that college is where u meet your TRUE friends, school was merely a passing phase and that i wouldn't think twice about my schoolmates once i pass out. But, the aquarian characteristic of loyalty is very ingrained in me, and i fought back with them and said firmly that no way, i love my school gang and we'd never loose touch.

I was wrong. We all lost touch. I barely remember, being close with a bunch of school kids. I draw a blank, each time i think of my school gang. The only thing i can remember very clearly about school was the sheer torture. I was in hell, i was sucked dry. I HATED school with all my heart. I just did not fit in. I was never a mug pot and never shall be.

Then there are others who claim to be my "close" friends, but just don't get the "time" to write me a freaking testimonial on orkut or keep in touch with me, because they're too "busy". And the occasional SMS of "lets meet up sometime babe" and when i do call or message, i get a "Oh, not today, lets do it some other time"

Now these kind of "friends" just drain me out, mentally. They call me horrible nick names which i HATE. They only bring me downER when I'm already down (NOT helping) and almost always made me the butt of most of their jokes. And yes, i ALWAYS made an effort to dress up nicely, whenever i went to meet these "friends" and they never appreciated the gesture or said anything nice. Looking back, i think they were all just plain jealous, because i was a bombshell then and i sure as hell am one now. (thank you again very very much Fitness One)

Anyways, all this just made my confidence levels hit rock bottom, i never really felt good about myself, i always presumed that i was a bungling fool, who could never get things right, i somehow thought that i "deserved" to be the butt of their horrible jokes and yada yada.

And then, college happened. My life changed, it took a U-turn, for the good. I met Ritu, Vasavi, Megha, Vani, Archana, Bj and Priya. And all of them are godsend. Each one unique, each one
nothing short of amazing.

For the first birthday which i celebrated in college, they got me around 10 gifts, and each one was well thought of. I cried that day, i must've looked like a wuss to them, but that was the day, i realized that these women are my TRUE friends. I remembered vaguely of getting alarm clocks as birthday gifts back in school. And one of my "close school friend" returned, yes u read right RETURNED all the gifts that i gave her, on her birthday, on my birthday.

Anyways, back to my angels.

Ritu : The nerd, the i "so desperately want to bell the cat", ever encouraging, ever supportive lady. She has read ALL my posts to date. She is my ardent blog fan, and pre Cognizant, kept telling me to write a book. Now, post Cognizant, tells me that I'm just the best and I'm a born technical writer.

Vasavi : My agony aunt. She has stood by me, through all the "why are men such bastards" phases. And she continues to stand by me now, telling me constantly that men will die for me, and that I'm too good to be true.

Megha : The youngest, but the oldest. Confused? Let me rephrase. She is by age, the youngest in our group, but her mental years are light years ahead of ours. She is the rock of our group. Dishing out motherly advice and ever protective of her "kids".

Vani : Jungli Janwar. The tag has stuck for life, even though she's become a good girl now. The spoilt brat of our group, she screams, bites or scratches and we obey. Period.

Archana : My teacher. I manage to get decent grades in papers, all thanks to this lady. I have nothing short of respect for you.

Bj : Motormouth. Silence is an alien word for this one. 24*7 entertainment, she has us either in splits of laughter or deep in thought about a serious global issue.

Pri : Ms Congeniality. This lady would feature on every one's "bestestest friend" list. She has never said NO for anything we've asked for, be it submissions, be it to act in our documentaries, be it to come for a cup of coffee to discuss our tragic lives.

To make a long story short, Machis, you all ROCK. Thank you for being a part of my lives, thank you for moulding me into who i am today, thank you for constantly supporting me, thank you for noticing the little things like, how great my hair looks, the kick ass junk jewellery collection i have and for boosting my confidence sky high. I can now safely say, that I've become 100% snob material and nothing will ever be good enough for me, because you've made me feel like royalty.

So far away..

I will not call out your name, as you turn your face away from mine,
I will not hold you back, as you walk away from me..

But, as you move on, my love, think about all the things that we used to be
I pray you find someone who respects you, as much as I do..

You will always be on my mind
You will also be a part of me..

I thank you, for some of the high points in my life right now
For i don't think i could've accomplished it, without the faith you had in me
You changed me, you left behind a newer, wiser, better me
I can face any difficulties life throws my way now..

I'm happy now, knowing that you are at peace, knowing that you are safe and sound
And doing all the things that you want to do, fulfilling all your duties..

Keeping that in mind, i shall console myself and be strong
I pray that at least in the next birth, if there is one, you be mine..

Cognizant Technology Solutions ; Post : Technical Writer

Today was a blurry haze of activity. I woke up at 6.20am, drove mom up the wall, to shove some food down my throat and kept chanting like a mantra, i don't want to get into CTS, I'll rot as a Technical writer. This aptitude test is merely a practise test for me, i just want to get a feel of how corporates employ college kids. I was both aloof and nervous as hell.

I reached college dot at 7.45 am. As i was parking my bike, my friend Archana said.. "Dude.. WHAT are you wearing..???!!!" I just grinned and retorted, "Machi, who cares? I'm just going for the aptitude test. I'm sure i wont clear it and hence the question of interview does not even arise" With that, we walked up the stairs and reached our class. No sooner had we sat down, we were asked to go to the 2nd floor seminar hall for our aptitude test. The first thing i noticed was a scary looking HUGE lump of blue, he looked constipated and could easily pass off to be a local gunda.

Soon, he began distributing the question papers, we had 4 rounds to clear, one of which was purely maths. I concentrated real hard and tried to solve these sums for less than 2 minutes, after which i figured, what the hell, why am I wasting my energy on this crap? So i closed my eyes, played inki pinki ponki and shaded options A, B, C or D.

After a dragging 2 hours of the frigging aptitude test, we were free birds. We marched back to class and chuckled at each other over our fantabulous performances. I declared, "This test has enlightened me, I'm packing my bags, leaving this country, and I'm going to pursue my PG in firang land with hot firang men" And so ensued our post aptitude test discussion.

15 minutes later, we were all called back to the auditorium. The 'i mean business'/ 'no nonsense' Cognizant lady, announced 8 names. Mine was on the 8 name list. I just opened and closed my mouth like a Gold fish and began to shiver a little. I tried drinking some water, but my hands did'nt let me, i spilt it over my outfit. The whole drinking water process was quite tiresome, so i turned to my friend, Abinaya and said, "Macha, I'm scared"

She immediately took me to my teacher, who grabbed my hand and said, "Listen, whats the worst that's going to happen? You may not get placed. So what? Also, look at it this way, you are going to get a feel of how corporates interview potential employees" I calmed down a few notches, smiled weakly and nodded my head.

My raw jittery nerves were somewhat calm now, but no sooner had this been done, a Surya wannabe (yes, he was scene potafying, like he was the sexiest man alive on the planet) came outside and announced my name, "Gayatri Bhadran, please go in for your interview" I was the first person to be interviewed.

My panel of interviewees were quite sweet, 3 women. I was a little nervous at first and didn't look her in the eye, but a little later i realized that the questions thrown at me were so damn easy, so i gained some confidence and spoke to her like she was my best friend.

After the interview ordeal was through, i walked out to be mobbed by my seniors, (PG grads) who were also shortlisted for the interview, i told them the questions i was asked and i advised them to calm down.

An hour later, we were all called back inside again, and we were told that it was a tough decision to choose among us, we were all pretty good and yada yada yada, the usual post interview talk. He ended his talk, by saying, the results would be announced right then and we'd get our call letters as well.

The 8 of us began discussing Cognizant, the work culture, the timings, the office building and so on. The more i sat there and heard the discussion, the more i wanted to get into this company.

Thankfully by then, the rest of my classmates trooped down, i ran out to them, clung on to Ritu, gave her a loooong hug and grinned like a fool for a few seconds.

We were once again, called back in, this time, i made Ritu sit right next to me, i gripped her hand tightly, took a few deep breaths and waited patiently for the results to be announced.

Soon, the 'i mean business' lady walked in with my teacher, and announced that only 4 of us had been chosen. At this point, i began to hyperventilate, she started reading out the names, i looked at my teacher, she smiled broadly at me and kept looking at me.

3 names were announced, the 3 women in front of me stood up. I clapped half heartedly along with the rest of the women seated in the Audi. "Gayatri Bhadran" she read out from the paper. My name sounded so good, coming out of her mouth.

I could hear my classmates whistling and hooting. I was stunned, shocked, overjoyed, teary eyed and nauseous.

As soon as she walked out of the Audi, my entire class, ran to me and group hugged me, that moment was priceless. I'll cherish it forever. Thank you class, thank you ma'am and thank you Ritu, my dear dear friend who i clung on to, during the whole nerve racking experience.

As soon as i got my call letter, i showed it to my friends and couldn't wait to reach home to tell my folks, that, the fruit of their loins had finally done something right and hadn't screwed up for a change.

Malluness..

August 27th was day 1 of Onam. I walked in to class and a classmate asked me "Dude why are you here? Go home" I replied, "Why babe?" She retorted, "Its onam today!!" To which i replied, "Oh, it is?" *sheepish grin*

Is the malluness in me dead and gone? Have i become less mallu and more everything else? How come i dont have a Lola kutty accent? I'm an ardent Mohanlal fan, but i don't remember the names of most of his movies.

I hate coconuts and all things to do with coconut like Bounty bar, coconut water, Cookie Man coconut cookies and a whole load of other stuff which are coconutey in nature.

Next, i dont have the signature curly mallu hair, i don't have an obsession for gold jewellery, HATE gold in fact, prefer junk jewellery.

The only thing, that probably gives away my malluness is the word "Aiyyada". It's such a cute word. I think, it should be incorporated, in ALL languages.

Little girls and random interesting man..

Today's workout was real fun. I ran for 20 minutes straight. Good feeling. Felt real proud of myself. The only thing that bothered me though was this little kid, this girl, she was walking on the machine next to me (apparently her mom and dad were working out, so they brought her along, now why do parents do that, really, REALLY..?! At that age i couldn't spell the word Gym) Anyway, she was ogling at me, constantly. And i felt very conscious, i was getting a little irritated, and i almost snapped at her.

I HATE people ogling at me. Ever since i was little, Ive hated people ogling/staring at me. Mom tells me that when we used to go out and random strangers merely looked, or pinched my cheeks, I'd brawl and make her lug me on her hip, till we reached home. I suppose the child in me, is alive and kicking even now.

After my workout was done, i went to the bike parking lot, to take out my vandi and there was another kid, probably 3-4 years old, and she ogled as well, she just kept standing there watching my every move critically.

It FREAKED me out, she looked right through me. I felt a little jittery. Little girls have this effect on me, they ogle, i get scared, i run away. Its a vicious cycle. I think i need psychiatric help. This is not normal behaviour.

Little girls aside, moving on to the much spoken about topic on most of my posts.. *drum roll* MAN..! (enna koduma idhu saravanan..? :/)

I just can NOT for the life of me, figure out the species called men. Especially when they're super intelligent, mature and wise. Now i know, these kind of men are probably way out of my league, but they intrigue me, they simulate my non existent grey cells, they're trippy, they're fascinating, they're a whole lot of adjectives. If i were asked to sum up all these adjectives and label them with just one adjective, I'd say, they're so bloody turning on. *drools*

If i were given a choice of a hot looking dumb guy versus an average looking super intelligent guy, I'd run to the latter any day. Looks don't last forever, once the lust fades away, intelligent conversation is the only thing, that can drag on man-woman relationships.

Anyway, that said, the current man in question, i presume is super intelligent, i PRESUME because i haven't had ONE decent conversation with him yet. But, i have read his blog, and he sounds really REALLY nice.

I get the feeling, no let me rephrase, i KNOW he's purposely avoiding long drawn out conversations with me. Now, the wisest thing for me to do, is to just let things be, and move on.

But God (yes, HE is in my scapegoat when it comes to all MAN related things) made us THIS way, he makes us yearn for things which is beyond our league, things which don't really make us happy. Why do we always run to forbidden fruits? Why cant we just live and let live?

But then again, stuck up snob, why can't he just talk to me for 3 hours at a stretch, fall in love with me, and treat me like a goddess. Hrmph.

Placements..

Our placements have officially begun. Cognizant came today, gave us a 2 hour presentation, they're looking for technical writers and graphic designers.

Their aptitude test plus interview for technical writers is on the 30th, and if we're selected our placement letters will be given to us on the same day. I'm nervous as hell, this is it.
My 17 years of education finally leads up to a 1.5 hours aptitude test plus a 20 minute interview. Will i make it? Am i good enough?

I now look at ALL working people with awe, admiration and respect. I tend to compare myself with them and i ask myself, what the hell have i achieved in my 20 years of life? Would i be able to stand on my own two feet, be financially independent and don a crisp smart looking suit?

What to wear for an interview, what not to say during an interview, making an official email address, writing my resume. This is the REAL world and i cant wait to leave a mark on it.

PS : I'm very VERY scared.

Long Distance Relationships..

I was watching How I Met Your Mother, and i realized that long distance does not work out. I always knew it didn't work out. But the eternal optimist in me didn't agree. Love crosses all barriers, including the geographical one. After today's episode of How I met your mother, I'd say I've been the world's biggest fool.

Some of the dialogues in today's episode, regarding long distance relationships were :
Long distances are meant only for girls, all talk and no sex
It's awful, just awful

Today's show was a wake up call for me, because :

Barney tells Ted and Marshall at the suit shop, that he was in FOUR long distance relationships.

Point to note : long distance equals license to stray and fool around, because its not a REAL relationship in the first place.

Ted and Victoria have been seeing each other for two months, hence making life changing decisions at this point would be absurd. So they decide to break up, but at the airport they change their minds, and solemnly promise to each other that they'd break all odds and try a long distance thing. But Ted's narration right after the promise scene was "But it didn't work out, long distance relationships are awful, just awful"

Point to note : Having a long distance relationship with the most awesomestestest of guy/girl, who you think is your soul mate will KILL the relationship.

Note to Self : Make someone kick the nicely shaped butt (thank you very much Fitness One) if thoughts of long distance relationships arise, however great the guy is.

Post Sickness Day..

I've always had the feeling that something terrible would happen to me, and 4 days back it did. I had the MOTHER of ALL DISEASES.. cough, cold, stomach infection and constant hurling all through the better half of the night. I really thought, i was dying a slow death. I was so weak, i could barely stand up. And i was depressed as hell, partly because my granny had just left town and gone back to Trivandrum, and partly because i hated the feeling, of not having control over my own body.

Today, i feel almost back to normal, the cough-cold is still around, my stomach still hurts, but what really made the difference was going back to college, back to my friends. I missed them all so very much. It felt soo good to be back in that class, to be giggling and talking loudly with each other. I was on a high. No moment can get better than this. Each day, in that class room, is truly a gift.

I was starving, for the past 4 days because, i couldn't digest anything i was eating, i was throwing up like a machine, but today, at college, the 30 minute break we had, i had a bite from all their lunch boxes. And i didn't feel a tinge of nausea.

Right after that, we had an orientation session with Google, they had come to select a Campus Ambassador, someone who would work as a bridge between them and with college. So, all of us filled out the application form, waited half an hour, for the results, and none of our names were read out.

"I'm never going to use Google again" i announced with a broad grin to all my friends, they grinned back and said, "Macha, lets wear shirts henceforth that reads We Hate Google." Loud giggling followed, after which we all parted ways.

So, today may not have been a very spectacular or a fruitful day in any sense, but today was my "I'm alive and kicking again" day.

Thank you ladies, for bringing me back to life again. I love you all so very much, and i will truly miss being a part of class of 2009. I cant believe we have exactly 7 months left. :(

Grudges..

The very word, leaves a very nasty aftertaste in my mouth. I just had the worst conversation with a used to be very good friend. His exact words were, " u are such a prude gayu... god help u change" "i ve been thinking of how to tell u this after each of our conversation... and decided,straight approach best suited u ... that's all.. somebody had to tell u .. sorry it was me"

And a lot of sentences in between which i cant say because I'm too embarrassed and hurt. Now from his point of view, all the above stated is justified because i have been really REALLY mean to him, but not without a reason.

Rewinding back to 5 years ago, the way we met was right out of a fairy tale. He was definitely the sweetest guy, I'd ever met in my 14 years of existence. (Who brings a HUGE bouquet of red roses for a girl you barely know)

Things were fine, till my mean streak popped out (i was a very nasty little girl then, i wonder why) and everything went downhill after that.

He still makes an effort to come and see me whenever he is in town, but i can sense the rift between us now. And this saddens me. One minute you're such good friends with a person and the next you're complete strangers, who meet up just for old times sake.

And when i'm sad, i snap, i snap like an alligator, and he unfortunately is the victim of my line of fire. I'm sorry dude. Really am.

I'm really not that bad a person, my friends stand testimony to that. But hey, go ahead and hate me if you want to, balances out the whole, love-hate circle.

How to loose 10 kgs in 5 months..

Month 1
Goof around the weights and the cardio machines, drive your trainer up the wall, eat like a dog.

Month 2
Continue goofing around, go for a physio session, your physio tells you that you, have lost some weight and a few inches everywhere, ponder over this new found achievement for a few minutes and get on with life.

Month 3
People begin to comment on how good you look, fellow gymmers begin to check you out, a feeling of pride and confidence creeps in.

Month 4
There's no looking back now, eat like a bird, workout like a dog, go for another physio session to boost your already inflated ego.

Month 5
Get a weird stomach infection, which makes you hurl all night, and naturally, you cant eat at all, because food makes you hurl.

In conclusion
Weight loss is cool, if you want to look sexy and want people to check you out. But health wise, your resistance falls and you become a walking talking self obsessed zombie.

Tagged..

Righto.. so Ive been tagged by a certain, psychedelic blogger, so below mentioned are 8 random facts about moi..

1. I love the vanilla ice cream, which is nicely packaged in a white plastic ball, with a blue cap lid. The vanilla never to seems to end inside it and it reminds me of my grandfather and the beach in Trivandrum. I recall vividly eating at least 4 of these things in one go, and cleaning them with sea water and then filling it with sand, and bringing it back home as a memento.

2. On the weekends, after particularly tiresome rigorous and back breaking workouts at the gym, i come back home, giggling and blushing. The world seems like a less evil place, i see colours, birds chirping a happy song, and most importantly, i feel like a goddess. I feel exceptionally beautiful and pretty. The very same workouts on the weekdays though, don't have the same affect on me.

3. Each time I'm about to sneeze, i think of potential people who could be thinking about me, and if my sneeze has been stopped at the same time when i visualised a person in my brain, i presume he/she is thinking about me.

4. I'm shit scared of lizards. Each time one comes into my bedroom, i run behind it, with my bathroom water pusher in hand. I somehow manage to chase it out of my room. And I'm extremely patient, i will run behind the disgusting, smaller dinosaur version, for as long as it takes.

5. I count while brushing my teeth, 50 strokes for each row.

6. I have a lousy memory, when it comes to dates. I forget birthdays of my closest friends, my close cousins, mom, dad. And i have to mention my older sister Sowmia, i forgot her birthday this year. She was in Trivandrum visiting my grandmother. So, i called her on her birthday and spoke to her like i always do, which goes in the lines of "Ay machi.. Wassup di? How are things" and then i hung up. At the fag end of the day, mom asked me, whether i had wished the cousin in question, i felt like a complete ass for forgetting, called her up immediately and wished her, whilst she laughed her heart out and asked "So who reminded you?" I felt very small, because she is one person who is always loaded with gifts galore for me, irrespective of the occasion.

7. I hate 3rd, 4th and 5th standard boys, they're violent, they box each other up, swear at each other and throw movie dialogues around like "Daaaaiiii.. Unna Konnuduve"

8. I love deserted open empty roads, because I'm a speedoholic. Crowded roads are fine as well, i just seek for the gaps in the traffic and i zip by. But, if i have a pillion rider with me, i drive at 30kmph because i feel responsible for the person's life and i would be guilty for life if something happened to them. I have to mention here, my friend Archana who was once sitting behind me, while i was riding, i overtook 2 auto rickshaws which were very close to each other, i drove by in the little gap between the 2 autos, and Archana's toe got jammed in one auto rickshaw's wheel. To date, i feel guilty as hell for hurting her toe.

Him..

Metal was life, until i met him, I was always anti-bhajans, anti-old Tamil songs, and anti Enrique's girly vocals.. For the life of me, i couldn't understand how a man could strum Opeth one minute and the next minute switch to an old Tamil song, which i would have some vague recollection of.

He was not perfect. He had the temper of a rabid dog. When he got pissed, God help me, and God help the people around him.

He had the maturity of a 50 year old woman. His words of wisdom, were priceless. They still linger in my head when things go screwy.

I have a lousy memory when it comes to dates. But, here are some dates i can never forget.. 29th September 2006, the day we met and spoke all night. December 25th, the last message i read from him. He sounded unhappy and worried.

We fought like animals. We'd say the meanest of things to each other, hurt each other to the T and in less than 2 hours we'd patch up.

To say I cant live without him, would be absurd, because i lived 19 years quite happily without knowing of his existence. And I'm quite sure i can live the rest of my life, quite peacefully, without him in it. But, life just doesn't seem right without him around. I don't like waking up at 3am, and sobbing into my pillow on random nights.

I remember distinctly, one of our BIG fights, i told him.. "Just stay away from me.. Don't talk to me till your stupid exams are done with" And i logged out of yahoo without saying bye. In less than 15 minutes i called him, i got his voice inbox. I didn't hear from him until his exams were done with. After 3 days, of cold war, we logged onto yahoo messenger, apologised for 1 hour to each other. After which i called him, and he strummed a cheesy Enrique song for me.

Him : Would u dance, if i asked u to dance?
Me : No
Him : Would you cry if you saw me crying
Me : No
Him : Would you tremble if I touched your lips
Me : No no and NO..!!!! Grr
Him : Alright alright.. *chuckle*

Looking back now at that very moment, I wish i hadn't stopped him, because whenever i listen to that song now, I break down.

Script Approved..

In the movie, Pursuit of Happyness Chris Gardner's only aim was to get the internship at Dean Witter's offices, get a job there and lead a happy and peaceful life.. He eventually achieved all that and more, but NOT easily, he had to go through a zillion hellish experiences.

When i woke up, this morning, I felt nothing like Chris Gardner. I was a calm, composed woman with an air of an ice cube, IE chilled and brain dead.

As a part of my curriculum, i have to do a 10 minute Documentary. I figured, 10 mins, no biggie. Should be fun. And i left it at that. I got busy with the motions of gym, movies and the occasional bouts of self pity/depression.

Back to this morning, i had to go to college, for my Editing class and i figured, i might as well meet the old hag, who is in charge of approving our shooting scripts.

When i walked into the room, my friends and classmates were already seated around the table, with her at the head. I grinned sheepishly at her and took a seat near my friend. I looked at her script, synopsis, outline, treatment, research, and a 4 column script of ten pages. I gave a her a "Dude, what the fuck?" look. Whats the difference between outline and treatment anyway, I pondered.

I turned to look at the hag, she was being her stuck record self as usual, harping on the same sentences over and over. She has an acute case of verbal diarrhoea. She just loves chewing people's ears off. Suddenly, dad seemed like the lesser evil. I wished i could trade places right then. I preferred listening to Dad's nonsensical chatter about the Nazis,aeroplanes, shares, forensic investigations, Attila the Hun, his security agency and god knows what else, to this woman's yap-yap-yap.

Finally after a few dragging minutes, my chance to flaunt my 2 page 'script' was 'bestowed upon me'. (Oh joy) She grabs my Stic file, looks at me with a shocked expression and asks me, "What is this?" I answer back calmly, "My script ma'am"

Her : Where is your research work? Have you done your homework? I cannot accept this.
Me ( slightly worried now) : But ma'am THIS is it.
Her : Please wait
Me : (stares into space)

10 seconds later,

Her : How is it that you have missed out on all this while all your friends have done their work? Please take a look at their work

Me : Wokay ma'am.

And i walk out of the room and run to the editing suite where i find two of my friends already seated on plastic chairs. I narrate to them my tale of woe. They look more worried than i should've been at that point of time. One of them shoves at me her stic file and the other advices me to go to the nearest Internet cafe.

The walk from college till the cafe was nerve-racking. The details had JUST sunk in. If i don't, get my script approved TODAY from the hag, i wont be able to shoot my documentary, and i wont get the college equipment on the actual shoot date.

As soon as i reached the cafe, and sat down opposite a computer, my fingers shot out like a Rocket post countdown. I was done in 15 minutes. I ran back to college, with my "many more pages and details now" script.

I waited once again, for my chance to come, she took my stic file from me, after giving me an 'Oh no, not YOU again' look.

Her : What is the objective of your show?
Me : Ma'am dream big, achieve bigger
Her : I don't want all this blah blah blah of words in your synopsis. I want to know what your objective is. You say you want to do a profile on these 4 women. But their professions have no connection at all. What exactly are you trying to say?
Me : Ma'am why should their professions have a connection at all? I'm just trying to show a few well established women in their respective fields of work. Plus, I'm trying to say that WE are the future. WE have to tap our hidden potentials, stretch it to the maximum and eventually the world will be under our fingertips.

(Argument Continues)

Her : You're a lazy person
Me : Sure, what would that make YOU? (not out loud)

(Argument Continues)

Her : Okie, your script is approved, but you have to work on it further. Please mail it to me
Me : Thanks a lot ma'am
Her : Good luck ma.

During the whole arguing process, i was nervous and tense. The blood on my face had probably flown to other parts of my body. And when i walked out of that room, I was still cold, partly with fear and partly because of the strong air conditioning in the room.

Honestly, productions, shooting, handling a camera, NOT my cup of tea. I don't have my heart and soul into it at all. But after this morning, I realized, I HAVE to make a kick ass documentary. I want the hag to watch it and think to herself, Oh my, that girl has talent.

My Dad..

My Dad.. Ex- Army Officer. Social butterfly. Workaholic. Sweet tooth. Chatterbox. The Multi tasker. The ladies man. Soon to be kickass Salsa dancer. There are one too many phrases to describe my dad. And whatever I write about him, would be saying too little.

Growing up, i never saw too much of him because he was always posted to some exotic location or the other, so i pictured him as a Superhero, the annihilator of all evil in the world (he fought a war when he was 18!! how cool is that?) some-one who i caught a few glimpses of, every once in a blue moon, and he always came loaded with goodies. And before i could blink an eyelid, he'd be gone again. And my wait would continue all over again, for him to be back again next year or the year after that.

Finally when i was 10, Dad got posted to Chennai, and i was made to pack my bags and bid adieu to my grandparents and my home of 6 years, Trivandrum. Finally, we were a family. Dad, mom, me, big brother. All under one roof.

Mom was always the disciplinarian and dad, the eternal fun train. If i want something real bad, i just have to say the word 'Daddy' in the most school girlish, i'm the apple of your eye way possible and he melts. ALWAYS. Victory is mine. ALWAYS.

Now you'd think, I'm a spoil brat. Yes, I am, 105% spoilt through and through. Despite the fact that he does things for me constantly and makes sure that I get my way, I have a short temper around him. I scream and yell at him, for the most pettiest of reasons.

Just an hour back, he asked me to heat a huge sandwich for him in the microwave. The sandwich was neatly packed in a plastic transparent foil. So, naturally, I undid the foil, placed the sandwich on a plate and set it inside the microwave. No sooner, had I done this, dad walked into the kitchen and said, "Don't put it in with the plastic foil". I didnt say a word, i merely gave him a disgruntled grumpy look. So he switched off the microwave and took out the sandwich. I did'nt hesitate to chew his head off. "Do you think i'm 5 years old? Why did you have to take it out now to see if the wrapper was on or not?" With that, I walked away, muttering curses under my breath.

I settled down with my sandwich in front of the TV, 10 seconds into the munch-munch, I began to feel guilty as hell. Why did I have to make a big deal of something so silly like that? Could'nt i have just let it go?

So, the minute I finished my sandwich, I ran to dad and apologized for being a rude bitch. He looked up at me from the book that he was reading, smiled and said, "You're a girl after all, you're entitled to your mood swings, it takes a lot of effort for a person to say sorry and plus i've known u since u were that small. So vent out all you want on me"

I felt the tears stinging in my eyes. Why do parents put up with us eternally bitter selfish breed? I think, they deserve much better children.

Musicians..

I think it's a universally known fact (okie not universally, I'm exaggerating, just my friend's circle would definitely NOT comprise the whole universe) that i have a thing for long haired musicians.

This post would explain why..

I was 15, he was 18. The HE in question was my first brush with the long haired musician variety. I had an elephant size crush on the lad. He was wild, completely mad, uber talented with his strings, chubby, curly haired and bloody exciting. I was probably more in awe with him than boing boing over him. Nothing happened between us of course because either he was out of my league or i was out of his. And we abruptly lost touch with each other.

My 15 year old brain began to loathe him. (Remember the story of the grapes and the wolf, when wolfie boy couldn't get to the darn grapes he started loathing it and called it sour, same principal was set in motion here)

Now, i have this really bad habit of NOT letting go of things. I somehow can't seem to forget, move on and let peace reign. I let petty things gnaw me inside out. The musician in question, is really famous now and i hadn't heard his music till half an hour ago. I was flicking through some music channels and this band caught my attention. I instantly began tapping my feet to their music. After about 2 minutes, i looked close at one of the members and i saw a familiar looking round thing.

It struck me then, that, to hate musicians is one thing, to NOT appreciate their talent is a whole different ball game altogether. Respect talent, put aside personal differences, give music a chance to do it's thing and life can indeed be, something on the lines of, happily ever after.

Final Note : Musicians, pig headed or mature, applaud their skills and walk away politely.

The Downs..

It's been 7 months and passing
The rawness of pain has been replaced by a numbness of acceptance..
The acceptance, of a cold reality.

Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
How could you walk away from it all?
Was i living in a web of lies, spun so perfectly by a master craftsman?

I want to hate you. I want to hate you with all my heart..
But i can't bring myself to feel anything, but respect for you.
I fell in love with you, long before i'd seen your face
I heard your voice filling my senses, much before i ever spoke to you
You were all that i needed, all that i wanted..
My world was YOU.

I miss you, would be saying too little.
You took away from me, my best friend, my teacher, my love, my better half.
You left behind a flesh and blood body with a scarred empty soul.

And then there was a solitary tear which rolled down my cheek..
I cried. I cried with all my heart and soul. Angered by the injustice of it all.
I do not deserve this.. I do not deserve this.
I want to forget. I want to let go.