Almost 38

38 years old in four days and I'll be celebrating by watching my 6 year old take stage as a Chinese narrator for his school play. The highlight of 2025 would probably be the moment my mother encouraged me to attend Ed Sheeran's concert. I blinked at her, with my mouth wide open. 

The same woman who strongly discouraged me from doing anything adventurous in life, was actually telling me to go live a little. 

As I watch the replay of Coldplay live in Ahmedabad via Disney+ Hotstar, I can't help but be instantly reminded of my late husband. Also a lead guitarist, whose dreams of playing on a stage as large as Coldplay's will forever remain unfulfilled.

I don't have the courage to physically attend a concert anywhere anymore, because the stage, the equipment and the screaming fans all remind me of him.

I proudly admitted to a close friend, just last week that I had forgotten all about my husband. How is he running in my head now, alongside Chris Martin's angelic voice?

I'd like to think of myself as more than a widow. There are other colours that fill my life. The darkest one of them all, I try my best to shake off every single day.

I pick myself up and keep moving forward for, what other choice do I have? Death is a part of life and life is a part of death.

For now, I'm happy to listen to Chris Martin croon whilst wiping away the occasional involuntary tear that's rolling down my cheeks.

Three Years

Three years since you've been gone,

Strangely life went on,

That's who I've become now - strange,

My moods have quite a range,

I'm happy and sad,

Glad and mad,

I didn't shed a single teardrop today,

Instead, I shooed them all, away,

I walked like a zombie,

And stayed awake in bed like a zombie,

December 6th, what a terrible day,

Thankfully, it's not here to stay,

One life of mine ended today,

My mind is a disarray,

Everything is a mess and it isn't,

I rearranged all the broken pieces with precision,

It's almost as if nothing shattered,

And my soul isn't battered,

I'll live and I'll love,

Even if I'm pushed and shoved,

This is me,

Rising above the debris,

All day,

Everyday. 

Kunafa Cake

Crisp on the outside,

Gooey on the inside,

Dubai's viral pistachio kunafa cake,

Causes quite a shake,

Inside your mouth and belly,

Your soul suddenly feels far from empty,

Like you waited all your life,

To have that cake, instantaneously wiping away all your strife,

Be Dubai's viral pistachio kunafa cake,

It's sure to keep early sleepers awake,

You crave for it, long after you've brushed your teeth,

You constantly dream of what lies underneath,

Layer after layer,

Made for him and her,

This cake is for everyone,

One bite and you'll share it with no one.

My Dearest Poopie

Someone asked me, why I'm still single,

I replied quickly, "I'm not in a rush to mingle,"

Had I met a man, who was half as nice as you,

I would feel less blue,

Someone called you my ex,

I almost hit him on the face with a chair, like a rabid T-Rex,

Someone asked me, if I'm still hung up on you,

"He was the love of my life" I replied, straight from the heart, truer than true,

While the concept of marriage is great,

I'm willing to wait,

For some version of you,

That still exists, from my point of you,

Until then, I'm happy to be single,

Reluctant to mingle.

Rocky Aur Rani

If you must love, love like Rocky,

If you want to be brash and cocky, 

Be as successful as Rani,

If you must create waves, be a Tsunami,

If you must be fearless,

Be fearless,

Like Rocky choosing Rani,

Every single day, whether it's rainy or balmy,

If you must eat mithai,

Eat so much boondi laddoo, that you can get a sugar high,

If you must get married,

Get married,

Next to a large ocean or lake,

Or at least next to a sprawling man-made lake,

Inside a palace,

Wear so much lace,

That you look like a vision,

Making kids envision,

Their wedding ensembles,

The entire event will be far from dull,

Just like Rocky aur Rani kii Prem Kahaani.

Reebee, the Baby

The greatest blessing of my life has been my son. He is my All India Radio, my 24*7 commentator and the disruptor of all my calm thoughts. The noise in my house from 5.45am is deafening. The minute his eyes open, his mouth opens too and it doesn't close until he finally falls asleep by 9.30 in the night.

He brings his semi round, googly-eyed face right upto mine and squeaks into my face, until I pay attention. "Why does Mumma hate me?" he hounds, the minute my eyes or head turn in the opposite direction.

Attention seeking and noisy, he's a human sponge. Quick to pick up conversations and chatter, his antenna ears are always tuned in on the adults of the house. 

Mostly calm, playing with his kinetic sand or slime, he sometimes gets into various modes of destruction, such as tearing up money or abruptly punching people on their bellies.

Cute and gentle looking on the outside, a typhoon from inside, his energy is boundless. Refuse a snack and he climbs the kitchen counters and opens the snack boxes himself. 

On rainy days, he zips around the house on his scooty. On other days, he is taken to his favourite play gym or Agasthya's house. Agasthya is his little best friend, who is as noisy as him. 

Riaan's brain is a minefield of imagination. "Can you grow another baby inside your tummy?"             "Do you know why airplanes have oval windows?" "Do you know why planes are shaped like a cylinder?" 

"Can you open the bonnet of my car?" and so on.

I had Riaan after six years of marriage. My life felt complete when he came along. It almost felt like I was born just to be a mother. "Let him live the way he wants and marry whoever he wants", was my late husband's first reaction when he saw my bond with my child. 

I can't imagine my life without a dusty kinetic sand filled house, a debris of toys and incessant baby chatter. Reebee short for Riaan baby, is my partner in crime for life. There is some method to his madness, I'm sure I'll eventually figure it out. I only have the rest of my life to crack this formula. 

The Elephant

My mind hoards memories,

Events tumble out in big fat paragraphs and not mere summaries,

The good, the bad, the evil,

My mind's an angel and a devil,

I forget nothing,

I feel everything,

Is this a blessing or a curse,

To live in reverse,

I hold onto people and things,

Like they're precious stone filled rings,

Unable to truly move on,

I cling on,

To moments in time,

They stick to my mind like slime,

Gooey and difficult to scratch away,

But fling them I must and live in the today,

Nothing and no-one is dependable,

Self reliance is the answer, throw those memories away, they are expendable. 

Binge Eating

Too much Biriyani has been eaten,

The body is beaten,

There's too much acidity and gurgling,

From the pits of my tum, the mind is hurling,

Countless abuses at me,

Just let me be,

It's Chitti's birthday,

I promise to never eat like this ever again on another day,

But today the decadent cheesecake beckoned,

My mind, body and soul, didn't hesitate for a second,

I attacked that gooey delight,

Savouring bite after light bite,

Pausing only to see Singham's smiling face,

Which is when I decided to slow my pace,

Hardly paid attention to Shina,

Inside Ascendas food court which was as crowded as a market in China,

What a beautiful day has been had,

Too much food has been consumed which has made me slightly mad,

But it was all worth it, 

I'll go back to being fit,

Tomorrow, today is for burping,

And allowing my mind to continue slurping.

38

Happy 38th, my dearest poopie,

There's been no time for tears, moping around or being droopy, 

I've had to become you and me,

Despite all the debris,

There are brief moments of feeling overwhelmed,

But I quickly regain control of the helm,

I hope someone's throwing you a house party in heaven,

I've had the pleasure of throwing you a total of seven,

Those were crazy days and nights,

Today, my heart strangely feels light,

I feel peace,

A familiar ease,

It's your birthday,

I'll celebrate all day.

Thank You

Thank you for loving me whole and soul,

With all my quirks and moods, without a single eyeroll,

You took note of all my sadness,

And my happiness,

You took me seriously,

We loved each other deliriously,

In hindsight, what were we thinking,

We took every decision boldly without blinking,

We rocked each other's world's,

And witnessed things unfurl,

You're still not gone,

I feel you at the wake of every dawn,

You give me the strength to move on,

Even if there are moments I feel torn,

You are missed everyday,

Especially on special days,

The pain vibrates inside my chest,

Until I force myself to give it a rest,

Thank you for the love,

It still keeps me warm and cosy, like a familiar, well-worn glove. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Three years since you've been gone, but the mind-numbing pain and the intensity of that pain remains just the same. There's this deep, endless black pit that you left behind and I'm unable to fill it up.

The loneliness is intense, the grief is loud and my anger issues have probably hit through the ceiling and have gone all the way up, into the milky way galaxy.

I'm empty. The heaviness gets more profound on certain days. It sucks that you're not around on your birthday or mine. It sucks that I can't tell you important life changing decisions I've taken. 

I have people to laugh with and eat with and work with, but none of them are you. And I remember you, every single day. 

Tears do no justice to your absence. Instead, I want to break things and scream people down. Maybe I'll feel a little better then. I don't know. 

If I could go back in time and re-do everything, I know you'd probably still die, because you never listened to me anyway. 

Why? That's all I ask, even today. Why did you have to kill yourself with work? 

Blinding Lights

Riaan hugged the television screen last night,

And twirled on his toes, like he was about to take flight,

Can Baba be undead?

No, the dead remain dead,

Do you miss him?

No, I hated him,

He teased me too much,

So, I just wanted to give him a punch,

We quickly turned our sadness,

Into happiness,

By watching the rest of the song,

And we quietly sang along,

To The Weeknd,

Our favourite song, any given day of the week, especially the weekends,

As the music filled out cozy living room,

We quietly pulled ourselves out of our gloom.

Night and Day

Old my soul,

With one too many holes,

The noises in my head,

Won't stop even when it hits the bed,

Take me to a loud crowded place,

And I'm still in a daze,

The sadness in my heart worsens,

The tears I hold back begin to get fierce,

Noisy nights,

Remind me of all the flights,

You took straight to me,

The only spouse in the midst of an office party spree,

I was secretly embarrassed and proud,

That you made your presence loud,

You won over everyone's heart,

Just by being you, funny and smart,

You are missed, night and day,

Even your absence fills my life in every way,

Unsure how I even get out of bed, with you gone,

I see only darkness whether it's night or dawn. 

Venom

Eddie Brock and Venom share a bond,

That can't be explained in words to a generation that wants to don,

This role of commitment phobia,

Something long term and real bring them claustrophobia,

To you Venom would say, be a man,

And I would chime in, be a woman,

When a human and a symbiote,

Can stay afloat,

In an impossible relationship,

Dont give me this trip,

Of non-vulnerability, you can take a hike,

Someplace far far away with your nonsensical mic,

I'm all in or nothing, just like Eddie and Venom,

I've experienced crazy love, with zero space for soulless and numb,

I'm rooting for you Eddie and Venom,

Your bond is warm and cosy, just like my favourite pair of denims. 

Hi and Bye

To the man who loved me in life and death,

Long after there were no more breaths,

Thank you,

For being you,

Grumpy and difficult,

But never indifferent,

To showering me with brownies,

And attempting to wipe away my frownies,

We didn't get to say goodbye,

And I've become this person who flings around her byes,

Like loose change,

I'm able to sense when people turn strange,

And to them I say goodbye,

I was married to a great guy once, he's probably in the skies,

Be great,

I don't like to wait,

I have things to do,

Other than trying to fix your internal screws,

After abruptly losing the love of my life, 

My tolerance to strife,

Has gone to zero,

So be a hero,

Or step aside, 

And watch me walk away with pride.

Mad Mondays

Just one of those days,

When there's just too much haze,

The brain is exploding,

The stomach is ticking,

Should have eaten more,

To stop my heads' pounding roar,

Calls to catch,

Baby's swimming class to match,

A call coincidences with his class today,

I have to be in two places at the same time, today,

Miss the class, the boss at home is annoyed,

Miss the call and I'll not be met with joy,

The juggling is endless,

The tasks far from mindless,

There's always icecream,

For everything else, I'll let out an occasional scream.

Not Really Alone

Another year around the sun,

With my little bun,

No longer saying our,

For the finality of death solidifies with every passing hour,

What a pointless way to die,

We could never meet eye to eye,

When it came to conversations on your work,

I understand hard work,

It's all I've ever seen,

But you were always in a maniacal state of being,

Sleeping with your laptop,

The typing and the calls, non-stop,

I wondered why you worked that way,

What was the point of it all, anyway,

I'm three years older than you today,

While you continue to remain young with every passing day,

Strange this life, without you,

But I've grown accustomed to walking in both our shoes,

I'm a dad and a mom today,

And I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way,

Happy birthday in advance, my love,

I hope God throws you a fantastic bash up above.

The Rains

The rains, heavy and hard,

Similar to your feelings, cut up and charred,

The fat raindrops,

Remind you to wipe away your teardrops,

The invisible ones,

That you hold back for the world, but slips out in front of loved ones,

This gloomy weather,

Makes you realise you can storm any weather,

But there's a world of pain,

Similar to this heavy rain,

It will stop, both the rain,

And the pain,

The water always dries up,

There's always a reason to look up,

Chin up, stare at the skies,

Admire the clouds, misty and high,

Rains are only temporary,

The sun will soon be out, to dry away all your worries.

Travellers

The world is not a place you understand anymore,

People come, only to go,

Everything is temporary,

Less than ordinary,

Expect nothing,

Expectations only bring,

Disappointment and heartburn,

But I suppose this is how you learn,

About the ways of this empty world,

And it's empty people, count your blessings for you belong to a different world,

One where you've seen peace and love,

Anything less you must push away and shove,

It's not for you,

This world and it's empty people, it's not for you.

The Void

There is a void,

People want to avoid,

Getting in touch with their emotions,

They just want to go through the motions,

Without feeling or thought,

It's a nightmare to be caught,

In a situation void of love,

Just disallow,

And step back,

If you feel taken aback,

That's not you,

Never will be, you understand what the other person wants through and through,

Cut off, walk away,

It's alright if your mind feels disarray,

You want the once in a lifetime stuff,

Finding that today is tough,

But find it, you will,

Slowly and steadily, if you have the will.