Celebrating You

"Our boys had a peculiar taste in music. So each time you hear their favourite bands playing on the radio, you know they are around. It's a sign from them", said a fellow widow ten months ago. I didn't internalize it so much then, until it happened to me - multiple times.

Last week on my way back home from work, my Tamil-music loving driver, kept tuning the radio and stumbled upon "The Weekend - Blinding Lights". It played for a good 50 seconds, until he finally changed it. I was stunned. 

The same track played today at Soy Soi, one of my late husband's favourite Chennai restaurants. The last time I went there I was five months pregnant with my very much alive husband. Going there today, was bittersweet for many reasons. I told Riaan this was his second visit to the restaurant. We ordered all his father's favourite dishes - Chicken Bao, Pad Thai and Nasi Goreng.

The minute we exited the restaurant, a Blue Ignis parked in front of us. The same car, which he drove for five years. It was almost like he was standing alongside us, in the blistering heat. I could hear his playful laughter, ringing inside my ears.

Another time, while walking through my office lobby, my colleague and I were deeply embroiled in a conversation about our respective husband's; the lights inside the elevator blinked menacingly. She just looked at me, smiled and said, "Yes, it's him". We exited the elevator, walked between buildings, came back to the lift lobby, still in conversation about our husband's and the lift doors automatically opened. They are not automatic doors. You need to call for them with a foot pedal. My colleague, just smiled at me, once again and said, "This is probably his way of saying sorry, for giving you a hard time by dying. This is his way of making upto you."

But my experiences are not unique. Anyone who is a widow, like me, who lost their partners abruptly, have had these experiences. It's their way of telling us, they're okay and they're watching over us. I'll take it. Today and everyday. 

I can't even begin to put in words, how much I miss him. There is a physical ache inside my heart that is permanently incurable. This feeling of emptiness will never leave me. All the professional achievements in the world and all the fanciest clothes, from the biggest brands, won't be able to fill this hollowness inside me.

I am learning how to live in the sunshine of your life, instead of the dark shadow of your death. The thing is, my foolish heart, is hoping beyond hope, to bump into you, in every corner of every room. Every cell in my body, refuses to belive that you are no more. I'm in denial and will be for a very long time. 

You were a beautiful soul, inside out. No wonder I fell head over heels in love with you, despite the long shaggy hair and the hideous body odour, thanks to your hostel bathing habits. 

Your son and I miss you. Everyday.