What is normalcy, after the death of your 35 year old spouse? Is it finding inner peace? Is it talking to your toddler everyday about his dead father, reassuring him, that he was madly in love with him? Is it coming to terms with the fact that you will always feel a little incomplete? Bingo!
You WILL feel incomplete and empty, forever. However, you will learn to live with the emptiness. Kind friends will check in on you, once a week, while the ones who got over the initial shock of a 35 year old man dying, would have long gone.
Dying for the departed, is probably not as painful in comparison to the ones who got left behind. While they're probably floating in heaven with a pint of freshly brewed beer and lamb tacos, we're left to deal with the "grief hijackers" and the "friendly well wishers".
Most people don't know, how to react in a situation like this. I get that, completely. But, I'm greiving, not brain dead. I don't need unsolicited advice on how to raise my child or how scared you feel about your partner dying, just because mine is dead. This loss is mine and mine alone, allow me to experience my heart being ripped in two.
I'm not sure I can ever really "move on", because we never got to say goodbye to each other. Was there something other than stuffing his face with green smoothies, doctor's appointments, forcing him to exercise and giving him grief over his soul sucking job, that I could have done, to have made him live longer?
Why did he not prioritize his health? Why were people's opinions about him, so important to him? Why didn't he spend more time at home, when he claimed he deeply missed us during his work travels?
I'll always have a million questions for him, the biggest one being, "How dare you die on me?"
Was our life together not good enough for him? Was the call of God so tempting, that he gave in without a fight?
I don't want to miss him anymore. But there's an adamant and persistent, dull ache right in the middle of my chest, that refuses to go away.
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