15 days since you've been gone, where have you reached? Are you still with me inside the house or soaring in the skies like a free bird? I felt a boulder inside my heart last night and the tears were never ending. I think you've gone. Will you come back? Can you still see me? Are you happy or sad?
Is there a God? Do you regret not praying with me everyday inside our little home temple? I've stopped praying by the way. I'm still coming to terms with the massive challenge you've left behind for me. Today I'll clean your guitars, amplifiers and wires. I'll store them away in the loft. Riaan can have them when he is ready.
Riaan asks about you everyday. "Where's baba gone?", he questions. I try my best to explain to him that you are with God, but he comes back to "Where's baba gone?". Do you regret leaving your almost 3 year old behind? I'll design his third birthday cake as "Baba's big blue car".
I've been hearing the words, "Stay strong and be brave", quite a bit in the past 15 days. I'm sick of it. You were my strength. People will come and go, but you and I were forever. Remember? Now I have no one to share that forever with. I hate happy couples, especially couples with babies. Old married couples in their 80s and 90s make me cry.
Will you always be 35? When I die and go to heaven or hell, will I see you as a 35 year old? You told me, you will wake up next to me, even when I'm old. You promised me several more decades of mad fun, randomness and poopieversaries. I can never go to Bangalore again. Or live in Bombay. Or go to Delhi. Each city has a beautiful memory of you that breaks my soul.
Our son just woke up, he said you carried him last night. You've definitely left the house. I can feel it. Time appears to be vast, black and never-ending. No one to take me to the mall, to the movies, to restaurants, to the beach or to friend's houses. I can go alone, yes. But it just won't be the same without you. Nothing is the same without you.
I can never go to Starbucks, eat a McDonalds burger, go to Clearing House, Indigo Deli or look at a musician without crying. Why did you leave? I know I'm supposed to pray for your soul to go in peace. But how can I pray for peace, when I'm far from peaceful?
Did we meet as kids, so you'd leave me so quickly? You've left behind a jacket that still smells of you. Your toiletries have your scent. Your gold wedding ring, has become so sharp around the edges, that it pokes me. These material reminders of you comfort me, but only momentarily. I need you. I miss our fights, your laughter, our movie watching marathons in bed, our spontaneous drives that always led to you saying, "We need to plan these things better. Now I don't want to go back home so quickly".
The weekends have no meaning anymore. I have nothing to look forward to on Friday nights. No one to pull the sheets off me and tickle me until I wake up. No one to wake up our sleeping baby at midnight. I'm so sorry I paid a little more attention to him when he was born. I know you hated it. If I could re-live 2019 all over again, I would have dumped the baby on someone else's head and spent every free minute with you. To hell with his night feeds, sleep schedule and diaper changes.
I have and always will love you, more than him. He is a part of you, so am I. You created him, you created us. There is nothing without you. Riaan and I are broken. We have no one to mend the broken pieces. You've orphaned us.
Are you really at peace? Do you have even a shred of regret inside you? Why did you prioritise that murderous job so much? What has it given you? What has it given us? Riaan will never be a management consultant. None of the kids from the next generation will. I'll make sure of it.
Shame on them for not honouring you, even in death. God is watching everything. They will reap the karma of their actions soon. They have families too. They have the curse of a wounded young widow, following them like a shadow forever. I thank ammumma for teaching me every powerful Mantra in the world. I know what to do spiritually.
You promised me you would have "the chat" with Riaan, when he reaches puberty. I shudder to think about his teen years now, he has your genes and mine! Double whammy! Yikes! But his mind is yours, for that I am thankful.
I can't say rest in peace, how can I? You've left so much on my shoulders. I need you, every step of the way. Please stay, if possible. I'll talk to God.
2 comments:
Beautifully written Gayatri
Having seen loss up close- this "stay strong" is bit of BS. What option does one have- but to plod along. I think the closest analogy which I could relate to was that grief is something which stays - and some days it will grip you harder, some day it lets go a bit. And yes, while the size of grief remains same, life slowly starts expanding around it.
Your belief in spirituality will help (personally struggled with this- though have to come an understanding and broad acceptance)- the fact that souls are there and that this journey continues is soothing- our dear ones move on but are in a realm which we will reach to as well. So its matter of time- its like knowing that they are at a different station and yes we will board the same train but will take time to reach there.
Dont know if any of this would make sense- but can feel/emphathise with your pain and thats as much as one can offer. Have given up on Prayers too- but if there is some spiritual power- will wish that it brings peace to you. Nothing else to say- sorry if am being intrusive. Just wanted to say something- having gone through a trauma as well.
Post a Comment