Confessions of a Nonsensical Online Shopaholic: Where My Adult Money Goes to Die

I have been a victim of online shopping since time immemorial. Today, I would finally like to speak up about the atrocities committed by me—and the e-commerce sites that lure me into buying cute, shiny things. 

I hit my absolute last straw today. I ordered what looked like a nice, medium-sized Spidey pendant for myself. Instead, I received something so invisible it would escape even Superman’s eyes. It is so tiny that an ant could be best friends with it. 

I am finally ready to answer my chartered accountant and my parents. Every year when I file my taxes, they ask me that one dreaded question: "Where does all your money go, girl?" 

I would like to answer remorsefully now: "Online shopping." 

For me, online shopping is the equivalent of gambling in Vegas. I have completely lost track of the number of tops, watches, pieces of junk jewellery, and that one Chikan-work kurta set I've bought. Speaking of the kurta, it completely damaged my washing machine in a single wash because all the mirror pieces came unglued. This is what I have done ever since I gained purchasing power. 

To misquote a funny Instagram meme: "We're grown adults with adult money. We can buy and eat chocolate cake all day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and no one can stop us." If I hadn't been dealing with weight struggles all my life, I absolutely would have spent my adult money on chocolate cake. Instead, I choose non-fattening things: clothes, curios for the house, and the occasional Masaba lipstick shade that never quite cuts it compared to the fabulous brands my sister-in-law promptly gifts me every six months. 

I digress, as always. Online shopping is the absolute bane of hard-earned adult money. Someone needs to either ban these shopping sites or ban me from shopping by taxing my existence. Either option works. 

Nonsensical online shopaholic, out!