Pain

"The pain needs a place to go", says Shina almost everyday. "You can't suppress these feelings with work or food", she says with emphasis. While I don't actively listen to her, there are days when I'm completely bowled over with the grief.

I haven't accepted that my husband is no more. He is still alive in my head. We have conversations at night, where he looks happy and jubilant. Then I wake up in the morning, only to realise my reality is entirely different. 

Riaan and I miss him everyday. He lives on, in everything we do, in the chaos and in the moments of calm. He was mine and Riaan's home.

I wonder, how I can be so in love with one person and feel equally dissapointed, that he abandoned me. How can two emotions co-exist, at one time? 

There is no burying this pain. Not with work, not with alcohol and not with food. I wonder, will I ever be happy again? 

Close to ten months, since his demise, but I talk about him everyday. Phone calls from his close friends, instantly brighten up my day. 

Death; a brutal end to our beautiful love story. Death; a reality I'm still coming to terms with. Death; something our son just doesn't want to accept. Death; I won't bow down to it.