Thursday, March 08, 2007

Oh where oh where did my baby go..?

While reading this post keep humming Last Kiss by Pearl Jam..

Those mother-daughter talks are nice when one goes through a rough patch.. My mom and i just took a nice half an hour stroll on the terrace.. It was nice and breezy and pitch dark.. And the lump began to form in my throat and it all came gushing out.. memory after memory..

I told her about the only boy who i ever really cared about all through my 20 selfish immature years of life and how he left my world without saying a word..

I told her about how he walked into my life.. like a breath of fresh air.. the 12 hour conversation we had all night long that day, and how we got close to each other over the next couple of months that followed..

I told her about how much i miss him now and the change he brought about in me.. he rubbed off on me by leaving behind his analytical thinking and his pearls of wisdom..

I told mom why he was so special for a 24 year old boy.. He was a modern day Jesus Christ in many ways.. kind, generous, giving and understanding people's fears and needs.. I told her about the conversations we had, with me talking like a 5 year old and him retorting to my goo-goo-gaa-gaa-ing in his wise grandfatherly fashion.. for example..

Me : Hey look at my arms in this picture.. they look like tree trunks..
Him : *grins* what rubbish.. your arms look like clouds drawn by a child..
Me : Hrmph.. Poda monkey
Him : Mmmm.. Sometimes we dont realize that there are people in the world who have no arms..
Me : *sob* yeah.. you're right.. im such an idiot.. :/
Him : *hugs* thats alright.. you're my child.. you didnt realize what you were saying.. :)

Next i told mom that the reason i can't move on with my life is because there is no closure.. he didnt tell me that we were kappish.. that we're through.. the last conversation and the last message i got from him had no signs of it being our LAST conversation and LAST message.. He was not cold, rude or bitter.. he was chirpy, happy, full of life and making smoochey noises on the phone.. or in other words.. he was still the boy who i flipped for..

And finally i told ma that i wanted her to pray with all her heart and soul for him to come back in my life so i can smile once again whole-heartedly, instead of pretending to be happy..

And when i said that, i realized that though he's gone now, a part of him will always be with me and no one can take the memories away..
All i have to do is close my eyes and his voice comes back to my head.. singing for me, preaching to me about the importance of education, telling me how lazy i am and that i'm capable of much greater things in life.. His trust, faith and belief in me scared me at times.. I wondered whether i could ever live up to his expectations..

You will always be on my mind Srivathsan.. each time i see a plane flying through the skies i'll wonder whether you approved of that one..


nyscha said...

yeah a lotta men do that.what did ur mom say?

i am happy said...

im touched.. truely emotional.. tears rolling down!

Anonymous said...

u have put ur heart and soul on display where everyone can have a peep. ru sure u want everybody to know this?

munchkin said...

hmmmmm :)
u can actually write a mushy novel for all ur skills :)
a good one abt the gone lover...
don wish he hears u wish for a greater and a better person in life:)
wish for a person who wil make u happy thrughout rather who will leave u away in strain:(
u will get a better one........
hope for the best:)

munchkin said...

a good one:)