Is Riaan You?

Riaan has got into an International school in Chennai, just like you wanted. His interview went very well. He spoke endlessly about himself and I spoke endlessly about you. You would've been happy to hear about the student teacher ratio, their ideas on feeding toddlers and how to potty train. I loved the school's principal. Can't wait to see him settle down nicely into that environment. 

Ever since you passed away, I've been noticing an uncanny resemblance between you and Riaan. He has become as sensitive as you overnight. Whenever he sees me howling uncontrollably, he holds my hand and says, "Don't worry maamaa. I'm here for you". He showers me with "I love you", very often. He massages my hands and face gently and says, "Don't be sad. Don't be angry. Be calm"

Whenever he sees me walking around aimlessly he tugs at my legs and says, "Come quick! Let me shut you inside this room, otherwise Baba will take you to the office, then you will also get lost" and "I won't let you go maamaa, don't leave me alone. I'll miss you".

You said you wanted to toughen him up and that I was not strict enough with him. You felt his life was filled with rainbows and cotton candies. Not anymore pupu, not anymore. His life has a void now. One that can never be filled. Not even by me. I am maamaa, not baba. 

Baba was the love of his life and mine. You've broken our happy family unit. All we ever wanted was your time and attention. We wanted you to play with us and listen to us. You did as best as you could. It just wasn't enough. We want more of you. So much more. 

I slept with your jacket last night. The one you wore for that last meeting. I smelt you all night long. But you didn't come in my dreams. Why? How dare you decide not to talk to me anymore? I'll give you two more nights. If you don't talk to me, I'll come find you. And if I come, there will be no going back. I know you're not that selfish. Think about Riaan, you don't want that for him. So talk to me, that's all you need to do. Talk. 

I hated the fact that Riaan resembles only you. In which world is it possible, that I carried him for 9 painful months, birthed him and he looks only like you! I was so angry each time someone made that remark. But today, I'm so glad he looks like you. He has your hair, forehead, eyebrows, eyelashes, ears and lips. Most likely, your brains and heart too. I'll forever be indebted to you for this gift of motherhood. I will see you through our little boy now. My only reason to live and smile. 

He has become naughtier and naughtier by the day. He has destroyed his grandmother's living room. Half her curios are broken. His grandfather has reached his wits end. He has been attacking his desktop computer, keyboard and mouse like nobody's business. My parents are most likely having second thoughts about letting me and your chimpanzee of a son into their house. 

Miss you pupu. Wonder why God didn't take me instead. Just counting the days until I can be with you again and have a roaring argument with you, about why you left so abruptly. Love you forever, with every last fibre of my being. Keep a box of brownies or a bowl of piping hot Gajar Halwa handy, you'll need it.